You people are making me nervous!

You – yes, you!  All you gazillions of visitors clicking over here from that other place.  What’s your deal?  What is drawing you here?  And once you’re here, what the hell are you looking for?  Huh??

IF YOU WON’T TELL ME, HOW CAN I MEET YOUR NEEDS?

Alright, so maybe there aren’t gazillions, but there are definitely gadozens.  And that’s, like, a lot (or ALOT, even) for me here on my little blog.  And, dammit, I’m glad you’re coming by but you are setting off my anxiety-o-meter.

Who R U 2 judge ME?  Huh?

The truth is you probably don’t give a fig about me.  Probably because I use phrases like give a fig.  That, there, is enough to chase most people off.  I know that – it’s part of my charm.  I may only have two regular readers, but they think I’m charming.  Probably.

But you – all you gadozens of new visitors, you’re just trying to be so stealthy and sneaky.  You come in and read something.  What – like maybe my boring bio (I admit right there that it’s boring!) or my most recent post which is my worst post ever.  Probably.

And then you leave.  Just like that.

I’m left over here going “I can do better!  I can tap dance.  I know how to do jazz-hands.  I have poetry to recite.  I know how to make delicious buttery dill potatoes.”

I have talents, people.    I’m not sure what you’re looking for, but I probably have some sort of talent to draw you in.  But are any of you giving me a chance?  Noooooooooo.   You just strut in here like you’re all that, look around, turn your noses up, and leave.

WHO IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Frankly, I’m pretty pissed off.  I go to all this hard work – I put up a fucking POST CLOUD for you!  Last month, I didn’t even know what a post cloud was, but now I have one because I care that much.  For you.  It’s all for you.

But you don’t appreciate anything I do.  I work my fingers to the bone, you waltz in here (oh, for the record, I can waltz too – do you want waltzing? I’m probably better at waltzing than tap-dancing.  In truth, I haven’t got a clue how to do either, but you wouldn’t know that because you’ve never even given me a chance!) and just decide my contribution isn’t up to your snooty standards.

I can hardly stand to look at you anymore.

I used to think that whatever you could give me, it would be enough.  I used to think “If they would just visit, that would be fine.  I’ll ask no more from them.”  I used to think that I loved you so much, I would just accept whatever leftovers you had to give me, without complaint.

But, dammit, I’m worth more than that.

I guess what I’m trying to say is…. well, at first I was afraid – I was petrified.  Kept thinkin’ I could never blog without you by my side.  But then I spent so many nights minutes thinking how you did me wrong and I grew strong and I learned how to get along.

Although, yeah, sure – I’m all strong and I don’t need your judgment and all that.  But if you buy me a drink, I will totally clean your tile grout for you.

Maybe I’m not as strong as I thought.

Welcome to my blog!  Come on in without wiping your feet.  Go through my medicine cabinet.  Eat my left over macaroni salad.

Will you teach me how to waltz?

Tags: , , ,

8 Comments on OK, something’s gotta give…

  1. googiemomma says:

    HAHAHAHAHA!!!! You had me at “I know how to do jazz-hands!!”
    Never fear, I”m not clicking away–you’ve made me laugh and cry in the space of 30 seconds–I’m sticking around to see if you can make me angry…or blush…or something…

  2. Hey, *I* always comment. Almost. Always.

  3. Ken says:

    Hey, I almost never comment, well, there were those two times, where I was inspired, maybe 3, but you know, lurking is so much safer. Not everyone understands the fun of lurking, dropping in for a laugh, or sometimes a Ewww, TMI, TMI. But even the TMIs are funny, and I keep coming back.

    I loved the husbands should not be trusted with a camera one. I was LOL, and had to read it to my wife, who just shook her head and said MEN!!!

  4. People whiz by my blog all the time. I kinda figure if they don’t stick around, that’s okay. All we can do is blog for ourselves and hope someone else gives a rip. Two things:

    1. I’d love that buttery dill potato recipe

    2. What the hell is a Post Cloud?

  5. Holly says:

    That was all very funny. I know what you mean about people showing up and leaving. Don’t take it personally. Keep writing because you have great insight. Maybe put up a tap dancing video.

  6. Rabs says:

    I’m one of the ones that found you via Allie but now I’m here for a while at least (I’m not sure how long because i have a short attention span and get bored of the internet every now and again, but I’m planning on hanging around and following your blog for more than a month if that helps?) What do I want? well I’m trying to write a blog myself (don’t worry I’m not going to ask you to read it or even tell you the address, because it might not be good enough to ever be read, in which case I’ll scrap it and move on, if its ok then I want to put up more posts and get into a habit of doing it befrore putting it out there, as it were) and I’m doing research by reading yours, I like the way you think and you remind me of my boyfriends mum who also has 5 kids and I love her, she’s very down to earth which is great in my opinion :) Where do you come from by the way? america, england australia? Sorry if you say so smewhere here, I just haven’t found it yet.. um I really should stop waffling, but I like your stuff so far anyway x x

  7. jen says:

    you are at least five kinds of adorable! :smile: i think i’ll check in more often.