Apr 25 2008
Snip Snip
The deed is done.
There will be no more offspring in the JustLinda family. That phase of our life is past and we are now fully transitioned to the next.
On the drive home from the procedure this morning, my husband was reading the post-surgery instructions. He is to take it easy, no activity for a few days.
And yet? This house is a mess, the place feels to be falling down around us. I have eleventy billion loads of laundry to do. The nanny put in notice and I have to interview candidates. The Counter of Doom is once again piled high with mail and school papers and girl scout forms and a boot box that has two left boots which I have never managed to return to the online merchant. There is grocery shopping to do and house cleaning and did I mention laundry?
All of this while my husband sits on the barcalounger with ice on his balls.
Monday, I have to get on a plane again and so I really need to kick my ass into gear this weekend doing all this work at home. (Don’t these people know I’m a slacker???)
Here is the conversation that ensued in the car this morning:
Me: I have so much to do. Woe is me. I’m overwhelmed. Woe is me. Wah wah whine lament. More woe. Whine.
Him: I feel so bad. I can’t help at all.
Me: Try a little harder to squeeze out a tear proving how badly you feel, will ya?
Him: No, seriously, in all the years we’ve been together, I’ve never been down and out like this, unable to contribute or participate.
Me: I haven’t either.
Him: Sure you have. During your last two pregnancies, you sat on your ass for months.
Me: {Sheepish grin, rightfully chagrined} Oh, yeah. True dat.
Him: I did all the work for months. Everything. And I didn’t even get any points.
Me: What?? You got HUGE points, tons of points. Millions and millions of points.
Him: Really?? I’d like to cash in my points now, please.
Me: {Me, near panic, thinking on my feet} I’m so sorry. Those points can only be cashed in on certain dates. Did you read the guide to cashing in points? You must give 180 days notice in writing in triplicate. Please double-space and have it notarized. The program has many blackout dates, including any dates where I am or may become tired, irritable, crampy, bloaty, headachy, tired (did I say tired?), busy, or otherwise unwilling.
You must use the forms and guidelines in the booklet issued upon the inception of the program. If you have lost or misplaced this booklet, we regret to inform you that no replacement will be made available. If such a situation exists, you will need to learn this important information via mind-meld with regard to the program rules and guidelines. 100% of those before you who have tried this have failed.
We appreciate you as a customer and value you immensely. These seventy gazillion points you have are proof that we recognize and treasure your contribution to our success. We shall continue to allow you to accrue these points and hope that they give you a sense of being cherished. We also hope you are way too stupid to realize that we have made it virtually impossible for you to ever use any of these points.
In the event of an emergency, please follow the escape path lighting on the floor.
Buh-bye!
