Jul 26 2006
If I only had a brain….
Oh, sure, it was the scarecrow who wanted a brain, and the tin-man who claimed he wanted a heart but what the tin-man REALLY needed was OIL.
Kind of like my van.
I was driving to the orthodontist with my kid and my van seized up right there - holding its ax right up in the air. There wasn’t rain but the humidity was so high I’m sure that’s why.
So there we were in the middle of the glade road with a frozen minivan. It was like it was trying to say something to me. I listened closely. Oiiiicnnnn. What? Oilllcann. Oh, OILCAN? Oiiiilcannnnn.
The damn van needed some oil.
Of course, we had sent it into the grand buffet of all things oil related back before our recent vacation. It was like a spa day for minivans. We gave it a pedicure new brake pads and a full body massage tune-up and got all those bits and baubles changed. You know what I mean, filters and fluids and such. We went in there and said “The works! Give her the works! Because nothing is too good for my minivan!”
So when she seized up with her ax in the air, we were perplexed. I called AAA and had her towed into the dealership where we have ALL her work done. We said “Our girl, she is ailing, help her. Helllllllllllp her!”
They said “She has no oil. She is out of oil. You are an idiot who did not give your beloved vehicle the oil it so desired.”
We said “But we told YOU to give her the oil! We asked for the WORKS. We told you to take care of our girl for us, as we have no mechanical skills to do so ourselves.”
They said “But you didn’t ASK for the oil to be changed.”
We said “But we wanted THE WORKS - we told you to make her ready for a long trip. Surely THE OIL is part of that?”
They said “You are morons who didn’t look at the paperwork. We didn’t write OIL on the paperwork and therefore we maintain that you didn’t want OIL.”
We said “Who doesn’t want OIL for their beloved vehicle prior to a long trip?”
We said, they said. Who the fuck cares. What it boils down to is NO OIL. Engine seized. Car broken. VERY expensive to fix. Very.
I tried to give them a charismatic four year old as payment but they said NO WAY. Evidently, her tantrums can be heard all the way up at the Dodge dealership.
FUCK.
I already knew I wasn’t responsible enough to have a library card and please do not ever give me a Blockbuster card ever ever again. But I thought I could handle a CAR. I’d been handling cars for over 20 years now. I hadn’t killed one yet. Oh, I’ve worn a few of them down but none of them died in the middle of the glade road with their ax in the air like this one.
My minivan, she is dead. Can we all have a moment of silence?
OK, that’s enough (you know how I can’t stand the silence and must fill it with words, right?)
My tribute to my dearly departed minivan, as well as my lament about my poor, irresponsible, non-functioning brain…
(Sung to the tune of ‘If I Only Had a Brain’ from The Wizard of Oz)
I might let the car go oil-less
The engine seize in distress
While my head explodes in pain
On my blog I’d be postin’
It wouldn’t quite be boastin’
‘Cause I really have no brain.
I should check the oily weekly
The dipstick placed obliquely
Whether snow or sleet or rain
I should refill all the fluids
Not like those ancient druids
If I only had a brain
I shall begin the mourning process
My bank account in distress
My husband gone insane
For a van I’ll be shoppin’
And its oil always toppin’
If I ever get a brain
What now??? Do we take our chances with a rebuilt engine or just go buy a new van. “Honey, the oil’s empty. Let’s go buy a new van!” This is soooo not us. We are not frivolous car buyers. We drive them into the ground, usually for 10 years, before we replace them. Next thing you know we’ll be shopping for a new house because the wastebaskets are full in our current one. Or the weeds are out of control. Or the place needs painting. Or the handle on the microwave is broke. Or the banister is pulling out from the wall. Or the garage is full of crap. OR ALL OF THOSE THINGS.
Holy crap, am I an idiot.
