Give Me ‘Pause (menopause, that is)
Posted By JustLinda on March 4, 2010
The topic? Menopause.
It’s not too late to turn back. Just click that button up on the browser bar and you’ll be free of all this messy woman talk. Go on. Do it.
OK, but you’ve been warned.
Here’s the deal with menopause: I’m waiting… Come on, bring it. Let’s do this thing. I’m throwing down the gauntlet.
On my feisty days, I’m all “Be gone, you witch, before someone drops a house on you,too.” On my desperate days, I’m more like that YouTube boy lamenting the way the press was crucifying Brittney Spears, crying dramatically “You leave my friend uterus alone. You leave her alone.”
There is this thing that happens before menopause called perimenopause. Are you familiar with it? Yeah, it’s real scientific. It is basically everything that happens leading up to menopause. Go Google the symptoms of perimenopause – I’ll wait right here.
Did you read them?
‘Cause here is what I got from doing that. Perimenopause could start the day before you hit menopause or it could start up to a few decades before. It could mean heavier periods or it could mean lighter periods. It could mean you sleep all the time or it could mean you can’t sleep at all. It could mean your periods get closer together or it could mean they get further apart. It could mean you get depressed or it could mean you get manic. It could mean your cramps get better (hey! better cramps! how exciting!!!!!!) or it could mean they get worse. It could mean you have hot flashes or it could mean you have chills. It could mean you have changes in your sleep patterns, or not, or changes in your moods, or not, or changes in your body hair, or not, or changes in…
Well, you get the idea.
Way to narrow all that down for us, Doc! Wow.
So, here’s the deal: I could right now be in perimenopause. Or not.
Who knows. I mean, I’m breathing and I’m pretty sure that’s probably one of the symptoms.
But let me repeat – I’m waiting for the end! I’m done with the pre-menopause part of my life, it needs to be over, finito. That whole uterus thing, it served me well back in the day but now it’s like having a big ol’ 8-track tape deck just taking up space. The factories that manufactured the components of an 8-track tape are all out of business – the production lines are shut down. Shut down. The tape is now all blank and cannot find purchase in the cassettes. So the deck serves no purpose whatsoever. It’s just in the way. The world has moved on.
(Damn, I worked way too hard on that lame-ass analogy, didn’t I?)
Waiting for our periods to stop is almost as anxiety ridden as that time back when we were all 12 and waiting for them to start. “Did I start? I think I started. I think I have cramps. Check the back of my uniform skirt. I probably started. How did you feel before you started? I think I feel faint, and crabby, and I have been prone to the dramatic lately. Surely I’m about to start. I heard Peggy started right in the middle of band practice. Oh my god, what if I start at gym? I’ll just die.”
Same players, same stupid drama, only with the word STOP instead of START.
“I think I’m ready to stop. I’m having symptoms. My cycles are shorter and longer and I have hot flashes and the mood swings and I can’t stop eating chocolate. How did you feel before you stopped? How old were you? I heard Pam say her Aunt Millie didn’t stop until she was 63! I’ll just die if I stop at age 63. It must be perimenopause, I mean, I’m breathing so what else could it be??”
And in all the years in between, all we seem to talk about is how our cycles are too short or too long or the cramps are worse than they were or the PMS makes us want to harm our husbands for breathing and the chocolate, oh god, the need for chocolate. Even when that witch doesn’t come, it’s still drama. “Oh god, I’m 3 days late. I’m never late. Why didn’t I start? I’ve already gone through 7 pregnancy tests. I better not be pregnant. Where the hell is my period?” We’re never happy. It’s her fault.
I have a group of women friends (Hi there, women friends!!) with whom I go out for margaritas each time one of our birthdays comes up, and when I come home, my husband says “How was it? What did you guys talk about?” He never believes me when I tell him we spend the entire time bitching about our periods. Of course, last year, our daughters all turned 13 and we did spend quite a bit of time talking about their periods, too.
You men think we’re making this up. (Ha. Who am I kidding… you all hit the BACK button way up in that first paragraph, didn’t you??)
So anyway, I think I’m in perimenopause. I’m pretty sure it started when I was 7. I can’t wait for it to end.
If this shit got me out of gym class, I might consider keeping it around,, but no….
I’m over it. Period.
ps: This crabbiness can be blamed on lack of chocolate. I expect to have this situation remedied by Saturday evening.
It's not easy being an astronaut. It is, however, pretty easy to be a pretend astronaut. And on the days it's hard, there are always red Skittles to help one through it. I write here to share with the world the wisdom I have accumulated over these many years. Of course, that only takes about 13 seconds per day, given how little wisdom I have actually accumulated, and then after that, I write mostly nonsensical drivel. The good news is that it comes at no charge! Free drivel! Take all you want, we'll make more!
I hate to be Debbie Downer
But I’m a gunna! As long as we are in perimenopause (not sure how old you are) we are still receiving protection from the estrogens in our body for our heart. When we enter true menopause (no period for at least a year) then we lose that protection. That’s the only reason I am happy I am not in true menopause.
Now with all that shit being said — perimenopause sucks. The hot flashes, mood swings, foggy brain, but for some we still have somewhat of a libido. True menopause your libido often tanks. So I am note sure how important sex is to you.
I am 46 and still in the unpredictable throngs of perimenopause, been doing it since I was 40.
Gah.
I’m only 27, but I wonder if it’s possible that I could have premenopause!? I am so irregular. Why is being a woman so hard?
Ahh…such lovely things to look foward to. Seriously, do we never catch a break?!?
I ate some chocolate in your honor. Like pouring a 40 out for a homie.
I stuck around to the end.
no back button for me!
of course I’ve got nothing to add sorry. Enjoyed the post though.
I forced my 15-year-old son to read this blog entry after he bitched about how hard it is to be a teenager. I figured it was a nicer way to get the point across than saying “BITE ME!”