Nov 28 2007
Is this rock bottom or do I still need to repel down a few hundred more feet?
I got on a plane yesterday.
I could not make the two ends of my seat-belt meet in order to secure the buckle.
I had to summon my courage, swallow my humiliation, and go ask for a seat-belt extender.
This is something I have never had to do before. Perhaps, in the back of my mind, I had this vague thought that was something like “Well, it could be worse. I could require a seat-belt extender in order to take a flight.”
But now that thought is vanished. So what do I hold over myself now? “Well, it could be worse. They could require a crane to lift you out of your bed.”???
No, it could not be worse.
Well, sure, I guess it could but I am not sure I could handle it right now. I’m not handling the seat-belt extender thing too well. I cried for the first hour of my flight. Oh, not racking sobs that would call attention to me. They were those hot, bitter tears that just slip out with no permission, the tears that betray my desire not to cry. Just another way I cannot get my body to do what I need and wish it to do. Same shit, different day.
I am now firmly back in the territory of seeking information on weight loss surgery. Lap-band. Gastric bypass. Whatever, I don’t much care. Something that forces my hand, that says “There is no going back now. The emergency exit is that way and I suggest you take the most direct and expeditious route to it.”
It terrifies me though for a million reasons. I don’t think it will be easy - I think it will be damn hard. I wonder how I’ll hold up under the stress. I wonder how my marriage will hold up. I wonder if I am such a failure that I would even fail at this. Others have - John Popper gained his weight back, Carney Wilson gained much of hers back. If I had weight loss surgery and managed to lose and then re-gain, I don’t know how I’d survive that. I wonder if I would lose all the weight and then my husband would stop finding me attractive. I wonder if I’d feel bitter and angry on Thanskgiving when I could not indulge in the feast.
As much as I fear failing, I think I might fear succeeding even more. What if I lose the weight and things don’t get better - all the things I currently blame the weight for. What if I’m still tired with no libido and bad knees and high blood pressure and suddenly I can no longer blame it on the weight. What then, once my built-in scapegoat is gone, what then?
In spite of all of that, the questions, the fears, the concerns - in spite of all of that, there is something I fear even more. I am afraid to get to a place where I’m not bothered by asking for the seat-belt extender. Where doing that isn’t some sort of a wake-up call for me.
I live in no man’s land on this topic, in the ether. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I believe, I don’t know how to succeed, I no longer have any appetite for failure or for fighting. I’m mired in hopelessness alternating with numbness.
Here is what I know: weight loss surgery has a very high success rate. It would be hard, extremely hard, and it would force me to deal with all the stuff I’m avoiding or denying right now. But right now is really hard too. My health issues abound, my emotional and psychological issues, sleep and sex and everything else. So the choice seems to be: difficulty and failure in achieving goals (which is where I sit now, and have for so very many years) or difficulty and success in achieving goals (which seems to be what weight loss surgery promises).
Risk, you say? You cannot consider the risk of surgery in a vacuum. You must consider the risk of surgery as compared to the risk of no surgery, of status quo. Don’t accept the status quo, you say? OK, even then - apply a confidence factor to success in the manual way without surgery and then compare that risk to the surgery risk.
I’m out of town on business this week and next but I intend to seek consultation when I get home.
Buckle up, with or without a seat-belt extender. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.
There’s a blogger (okay, there’s lots of ‘em but this is one I read) who writes about her weight-loss surgery. She doesn’t leave anything out, and was immensely well-prepared for her surgery.
http://happycatbert.typepad.com/sharons_so_called_life/
Bumpy or not, I enjoy the ride you take your readers on and look forward to whatever comes next.
I take Dextroamphetamine (aka Dexedrine) for Attention Deficit Disorder. One of the side effects is the suppression of apetite. In the past month I’ve lost 10 pounds just because I don’t feel hungry. It’s a weird feeling. My stomach might be gurgling and it feels hungry, but my brain goes “Meh, stomach is lying… your not hungry.” And I don’t eat.
I’m currently 212 pounds. In all honesty I don’t really WANT to lose weight. I mean, it’d be great to get down to 185, but that’s not the main reason I’m taking these.
The point is, I’d look into alternate methods before considering the surgery. I’d also consider the lap band as it is later reversible instead of the bypass.
Oh, my darling girl, those surgeries are worthless. They are acts of desperation… and cost about 50K to boot!! The only thing they do, is allow you to starve yourself more comfortably!
Please please please go to Weight Watchers instead. Walk a mile a day, and learn how to eat properly. It’s really like being an alcoholic — regular meetings and support are NECESSARY to be able to handle your food addiction over a lifetime. I have the same issue, coupled with an entire family of morbidly obese people, and I have learned to manage. You have to treat it as seriously as you would alcoholism.
Please please please!! I’d hate to see you do this to yourself - it’s so unhealthy!! There is no magic cure… you have to do a whole lifestyle change. And they’ll even tell you that in surgical consults, that the surgery has to be accompanied by a lifestyle change. So why not skip the expense and the danger, and just change your lifestyle?
Please don’t do this to yourself. Please.
I have been reading your site quietly for a long time and never sent you any mail. I had gastric bypass surgery. I failed at it. I lost tons of weight and gained 70 percent back. You kinda hurt my feelings saying “what if I do it and fail.” you make it sound like only a complete losser could mess it up. it’s a very stressful, hard, long, emotional process. it takes loads of work. it is the answer for some but not for me. i still get sick when i eat, i can’t enjoy holidays, people are all the time asking me what happened to you. why have you gained the weight back. it’s very sad. i went thru a lot of pain and sadness with the process and i have screwed it up. i am now going to take on a new attitude and lose this weight the right way. i am not going to have very much positive support i don’t think because I have lost the weight so many times just to regain it. But I have decided I’ve got to do it for me this time. Not to please everyone around me.
If you do decide to go thr the surgery and have any questions on what not to do I would love to help. Just think long and hard about it. It hurts. If you don’t follow a strict plan it makes you sick. There are scars. And people will be watching you under a microscope.
If you ever need to talk please email me.
Amanda
Much love to you!!
I wasn’t going to post because I had no idea what to say (and I lurk). I keep writing things and deleting them.
I don’t know what the choice is for you. Recently another blogger I read came out about her decision to get a gastric laproscopic band. Link goes to the day she told her readers: (http://www.jenandtonic.ca/2007/11/knee_mri_on_the_radio_and_i_am.php). She’s less than a week away now from her surgery, and has some interesting information in her posts. She writes a great blog and you should give her a try. I’m not linking to someone who has chosen surgery as her best option as a pro or a con in your choice, just to help you on the way to being informed. Investigate all your options with the help of professionals and family/friends…then make the choice that is right for you and your family. People are going to throw shit at you no matter what you choose–and people are going to support you. No choice is easy. You are your own best advocate and at the end of the day you are the one who has to live your life.
However, I do have one piece of really solid advice. Take a chunk of time. Take it now. Take a bubble bath, or read a “fluffy” book (one with no war, or disease, or such), curl up and watch a Pay-Per-View movie on the hotel’s TV. Just take a small chunk of time and don’t think about any of this–or anything at all. Yeah, you’ve got work to do. No, I’m not suggesting you ignore this wake up call. I’m suggesting you had a crappy day and need an hour or two of time to yourself to refocus. You’ll be better able to deal with life afterwards–No matter which way you decide life must go.
For some reason, I really want to say “Have fun storming the castle”. Does a Princess Bride quote help at all?
Linda, my heart goes out to you. I have been battling the weight problem all my life, and now at 43 I am at the point (yet again) where I must. do. something. I am trying to do it the so-called “right way” this time, trying to establish healthy eating habits and start exercising. Whoever made the comment that it has to be a lifestyle change no matter the method is so right. I was scheduled for gastric bypass 3 years ago, and my finances fell through at the last possible moment. To this day, I am glad that they did, because I know in my heart that surgery was not the right option for me. Please, do what you have to do, but whatever you decide, make it as informed a decision as possible. If you need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to bend, feel free to email me. You don’t know me from Eve, but I feel like I know you from this blog, and I have come to care what happens to you, so know that I am here for you.
Trish
*hugs* I just want to reach out through the internet and give you a squeeze. As I get older, I am starting to see that for me, weight loss is harder not just because of the physical, but because of the emotional stuff. I finally posted about it here:
http://annenahm.com/?p=350
But that was just last month and I am still working through it. I also started putting up pictures of myself to help me figure out what is what. I am interested in hearing what conclusions you reach when you come back. Have a safe trip.
No advice (or assvice)–just sorry that you struggle with this. I hope you can find what is right for you and not worry about the opinions of people who don’t have to walk in your shoes.
Oh—and glad to see you posting again. I love reading your posts.
I am sorry you had that experience. I am sorry that you are feeling so desperate. My only advice to take some time to think things through. Go to the consultation, talk to Bill, think it through and then do what is right for you.
you’re a smart woman and you’ll do what’s best for you. you have every right to feel good.
i don’t have any words of wisdom or anything.
i just wanted you to know that i’m sorry you have to struggle with this. i have seen from the outside how heart-wrenching it can be.
i hope you’re feeling better about everything, and am glad you’re taking some time for you.
Linda,
Would you consider giving yourself a few months from winter to the end of spring to focus on healthy eating and exercise? Maybe join weight watchers or something and throw yourself into it like you never have before? I’m sure you’ve been down this road before, but one super attempt prior to surgery seems like it’s worth it.
The weight loss surgery is so drastic.
But whatever you decide to do, good luck. I know the surgery works great for some people and maybe that is your best solution.
Been there, done that, cried for the first hour of the flight, too.
I have no words of wisdom, but do I have a very fluffy, pudgy shoulder to cry on if you need it.
I hear you, girlfriend! I just ran across this web site by chance.
I’m in the exact same boat you are. I’ve tried every diet that there is over the last 20 years. I did NutriSystem, WeightWatchers, a medically supervised liquid fast just to name a few, and they all worked to take the weight off, but as you already know, the weight came back and then some. My last attempt was when I lost 70 pounds on Phen-Fen. I’ve gained 90 pounds back, and now I’m ready for a more permanent solution.
Anyone can lose weight for the short term. It’s keeping it off for the long-term that is a great battle. As you can see from numerous celebrities like Oprah, Kristie Alley, Carne Wilson, it is nearly impossible to keep weight loss off once you have experienced substantial weight gain. I read that people who have had gastric bypass can gain 1/2 or more of their weight back.
I think the hope for us lies in Laparoscopic gastric banding. I think Sharon Osborn had it, but I’m not sure about that. Some insurance companies will cover the cost if you have a BMI of 40 or over. If you have a BMI of 35-30, then they will cover it if you have a serious medical condition such as sleep apnea. Lap bands are getting more and more common, and it is done laproscopically and is reversible so that makes it safer than full-blown surgery. I plan to have it done very soon and am awaiting approval of my doctor’s referral to the bariatric center.
When I was on Phen-Fen, it worked beautifully. I ate whatever I wanted, but I would have a bite or two and feel satiated and full. I lost all cravings that would drive my actions in the past. Honestly, I think you are imagining the worst. You won’t be bitter at Thanksgiving. You’ll be in love with your new body, and you’ll have a bite of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and pie and feel happy. You’ll chew and savor more slowly. Your husband will find you even more attractive than he does now.
Take a chance. If you are like me, life sucks now and is filled with medial problems, snoring, back pain, high cholesterol, and more problems and inconveniences. Don’t fear success. Go for it! Email me if you want to. Whether insurance covers it or not, I’m going to get the lap band very soon.
Correction for typo above: if you have a BMI of 35-39…