Nothing to See Here…

It’s past midnight.

You’re thinking “What the hell is Linda doing up writing a blog post this late?”  Good question.

I’m in Columbia.  No, no - not that place with the good coffee and great weed, not Colombia with an O.  This is Columbia, Missouri.  With a U.  The coffee is OK and I’ve not been privy to the weed.  There is a big campus here (Mizzou) so I’m sure the weed is decent.  What do I know, I’m a forty-two year old fat mom-looking creature and no one ever comes up and says “Hey, lady, wanna buy a joint?”  Which is fine because I don’t smoke pot.  I have in my past, many moons ago, but nowadays, I can eat a box of Ho-Hos and fall asleep at 7:30 PM without any help at all, thank you very much.

Where was I? 

Oh, yeah - Columbia with a U.  I’m here because I have to go to court tomorrow.  (Dum-bum)  <----- That’s the dramatic Law and Order sound in case you didn’t recognize it.

It’s the thrilling case of the College Co-Eds versus the Landlord Slumlord.  Actually, the slumlord filed suit against the coeds’ parents as they are the ones who co-signed the lease.  That’s where I come in.  I’m going to have my day in court tomorrow!  I should have brought a video camera, that’s how much I’m looking forward to this.  I can’t wait.  My daughter is pretty hyped up too.  What a team!  I can see the television series based upon a mother-daughter team’s small claim court victories going to the top of the charts!  The royalties we’ll make when it goes into syndication…  Well, let’s not count those chickens quite yet. 

I had to come up  to Columbia with a U the night before because I have a 6:00 AM web conference in the morning so I wouldn’t have been able to do that at home and then make it up here in time. 

What?  You’re surprised by the web conference thing, aren’t you?  I do work, you know.  Sometimes.  Wipe that shocked look off your faces!  Good golly, my boss could be reading right now.  Let’s not give him the wrong impression.  (He’s the best boss ever, have I told you people that?)

Anyway, so I knew I had to come up the night before, take my early call, and then head to the courthouse.  As the dedicated procrastinator I am, I didn’t leave home until about 9:00 PM.  My daughter (the co-ed) had come up here to Columbia  with a U over the weekend.  (Have I mentioned that she’s a sophisticated Chicago dweller now?  No?  Well, she is.)  She called at 8:00 PM and found out I hadn’t left yet.  She was surprised.  “I just didn’t see you as much of a night driver, Mom, that’s all.” 

Well, sure, it’s hard to get my walker with the tennis balls into the passenger seat, but once I sort that out, I’m a speed demon.  I’m sure she probably thinks I can’t travel after I’ve had my Geritol and nightly enema.  Something like that. 

In fact, I love driving at night.  Alone.  Just me and the lonely road and the blaring music.  Love it.

So at 9:00 PM, I set out.  I stopped for some gasoline and diet Sunkist and I may or may not have bought some Skittles, and I hit the road.  Oh, but it was awesome…  radio blaring, singing at the top of my lungs.  My head all to myself with no one else needing her butt wiped or her homework signed or his… well, let’s leave that last one to the imagination, shall we?

It was awesome.

A little Jackson Browne…

And load those cases and load those amps
and haul those truses up and get’um up those ramps
‘Cause when it comes to moving me,
you know you guys are the champs
but when that last guitar has been packed away,
you know that I still want to play.
So just make sure you got it all set to go
before you come for my piano

The wind in my hair, the city lights behind me.  Freedom, people, I’m telling you - this is what freedom feels like, a fast car and loud music and diet orange Sunkist soda-pop.

I even had full control over the radio station.  I love that ol’ seek button.  A little of the King’s with This Beat Goes On and Switchin’ to Glide.

I have lots of friends that I can hang at anytime
In moments have some laughs with just one call
Like a bunch of lunatics with action way that’s done
Sure we’ll be rockin’ till our strength is gone
Yeah, this beat goes on

I didn’t have to listen to Laurie Berkner singing about Joey having a pig on his head.  I didn’t have to listen to that Celtic monk stuff my husband likes, or Loreena McKinnitt.  I got to pick whatever I wanted.

And I picked me some Air Supply.  AIR SUPPLY.

It’s not that I’m a huge Air Supply fan, but I marvel at his voice.  How does he do that?  I’m assuming he keeps a dozen clothespins clipped onto his testicles.  Ouch.  I sure hope that he was able to remove them upon retirement and that he’s much more comfortable in life now.   What can I say - I’m a people person.  I care.

I didn’t listen to the whole song.  I’m not that big of a dork.

My next stop was that one song.  What’s it called?  I can’t remember - it’s the one that was in that movie about that little Russian mouse named Fifel.  You know, the mouse with that big, stupid blue hat?  He gets separated from his family and then they all sing that gut-wrenching song “Even though I know how very far apart we are, it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star.”  Oh, such a lovely song.  It brought a tear to my eye.  And another.  Then another.

“Wait!!” I thought. “Those aren’t tears, those are raindrops!  OH NO - rain!”

Have I told y’all how much I hate driving in inclement weather?  Well, I do.  Especially at night (where are those replacement tennis balls for my walker?) and so my attitude and posture changed immediately.  Window up, radio off, glasses on, both hands on the steering wheel at ten and two o’clock, move to slow lane, breathe deeply.

I was doing okay, really, I was making it.  Then came the construction.  People!  It was night and raining and I have bifocals and there were orange cones everywhere.  Aye-yi-yi.  It was awful, but I kept my breathing steady and turned the wipers onto super-turbo mode and I made it through.  I swear there really wasn’t any construction - just a bunch of orange cones that someone forgot to remove.  I can’t remember which comedian it was who talked about how somebody is putting out the orange cones and then gets distracted “Oh, look - a bird!” and never comes back and they stay there forever.  No construction, just cones.

I made it.

Those were the scariest two minutes of my life.

Well, it might have been more than two minutes, right?  It probably was.  In fact, I’m sure it was.  It felt like two days only the sun didn’t ever rise and set so it couldn’t have been that long.

I know what you’re thinking, smarty-pants.  You’re thinking the whole drive from St. Louis to Columbia with a U is only two hours so it couldn’t have been that long of a tense storm of tornadic porportions that nearly took my life.  Well, sure, you’re right - it’s a two hour drive.  But if you had kept your mouth shut, the rest of these people reading wouldn’t know.  (I’m sorry, Internet, we shouldn’t bicker like this in front of you.  It won’t happen again.  If Smarty McSmartypants could just keep it zipped it would be easier, though.)

Anyway.

So here I am, in Columbia with a U and now it’s past midnight and - weeeee - I’m all awake. 

Guess what diet orange Sunkist is loaded with?  Yeah, caffeine.  (But this part comes as a surprise, the label says “Not a significant source of other nutrients.”  Wow.  And here I thought I was supposed to have 4 servings of diet orange soda a day to meet the requirements of that food pyramid thing.)

Anyway.  (My brain stopped working about 14 minutes ago.)

I need to go to bed.  Tomorrow is my big day in court.  (Dum-bum)  Wish me luck.