Nothing to See Here…

Not too long ago, I learned that if someone were to Google my full name, it would bring them here.  This site doesn’t have my name anywhere on it, nor is it registered using my last name.  And yet the nice people at Google have explained to me that the way their search algorithm works (and those of other search engines) is that if there is a place that has my full name and my web address anywhere out there on the internet (and there is) it can connect that name to the actual site associated with the link.

So there you have it.

I don’t know how I feel about this.  On the one hand, I don’t worry terribly much about it.  I know plenty of bloggers who are open with their first and last names as well as writers and public people in general.  I don’t know it’s necessarily a sentence of doom.  But the experts all tell us to be careful on the internet.  I’ve considered being completely ‘out’ and what implications that would have.

It occurs to me that people might already be finding me.  Oh, come on - this isn’t vanity speaking, people Google other people by name.  I watch my web site stats and I see people come to my site from a search on my full name.  I know people are coming here that way.  Does that bother me?  Do I care?  I don’t think so.  I think I am who I am here just like I am with them in real life.  Oh, perhaps a little bolder sometimes because I feel more free under my blanket of perceived anonymity, even if it’s just an illusion.

But I do want to address them - these people who know me in real life, who I know.  These people who may or may not be coming here and who may or may not be reading my words.  What should I say to them?

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Dear Boss,

It’s been nearly two years since you came into my life.  You have made a huge difference in how I feel about my job, what I do each day.  You are funny and brilliant and compassionate.  You don’t micromanage and you support my decisions.  My existence here has gotten better by 180 degrees since you came on board.  I appreciate you and I count you right up there in my Top 3 bosses of all time, maybe even #1.  Thank you for trusting me, supporting me, and making me laugh.  I hope the value I bring to the team, department, company is significant enough to offset all the ways I fall short.

Dear Peers,

I love spending time with you.  I know we only see each other for a few days each quarter, but those days are so important to me - they allow me to reconnect, to get motivated and excited.  I do believe, in our case, that the whole is way more than the sum of the parts.  I appreciate having the ability to work with you and I respect each of you.  Plus you make me laugh, too, and that gets high marks in my book.

Dear Team,

I know you weren’t happy or enthusiastic or confident back in 2004 when I was chosen to lead the team.  I hope your feelings now are different.  I had some hard times myself with this whole thing (I’m sure you’ve noticed) and I feel like in the past months, we have together found our footing.  I hope you know that I truly do like each of you and yes, I also want to be liked by you.  This thing we do day to day - it’s a job.  The people we are - that is so much more important than the job.  I hope we can all keep that in perspective and be kind to each other as we get through each day.

Dear Former Coworkers,

I miss you.  I miss so many of you (some more than others! haha).  Gosh, I wish I could have just carried some of you along with me job to job.  You taught me so much, you were fun to hang out with, you appreciated me and fed my ego (my ego doesn’t get fed nearly as much now in my new position and I miss it - if you were here, I’m just sure you would feed my ego!!)  Lunch at Steak-n-Shake, happy hours, solving problems, making things happen, changing the world in only that way a corporate back office worker can.  Good times, man, good times.  Come and get a job at my current company so we can hang out, OK?

Dear Former Close Friends,

Are you there?  Have you found me?  For goodness sakes - drop me an email!  I know how busy you are as I am too.  I know our lives have gone in such different directions and it would be almost impossible to try to realign our paths.  But we can say “hey” to each other, right?  You can call or write.  If you are among the friends from my first marriage, I’ll tell you right now that I am often very sad for having lost you.  I joke around all the time that I got custody of the kids and he got custody of the friends.  The laughter is but a thin veneer - I miss you, I have mourned you for a long time.  Oh, I saw some of you around that series of 40th birthday parties a couple years ago, but it wasn’t enough.  I still think you belong to him and you are off limits to me.  Perhaps that is silly, but it’s how I feel.  I would love to hear from you… drop me a note.  I miss you.

Dear Current New Friends,

I’m 42 and I lost all my long-time friends around the time of the divorce and here it is 16 years later and I’m only now making some new friends.  Pathetic?  Perhaps.  I’m not all that terribly confident in this area.  I know I seem confident all the time, but there is a bit of a wall and it’s hard for me to make friends, but I crave them so badly.  If you are one of the very few people I’ve connected with in recent years, understand that I appreciate having you so much - I have missed friends in my life and you are now my hope for the future.  Thank you for putting up with me, my faults and flaws, my disorganization.  Be patient with me as I let the wall crumble and make myself vulnerable… there is hurt there and I’m sure on some level fear about letting that happen again.  But please don’t leave me because I just love having you in my life.

Dear Mom and Dad and Brother and Sister,

Have you found this blog?  It’s OK if you have… I don’t think I have embarrassed the family at all, save one post that comes to mind that I wrote when I was quite upset.  But it’s OK for you to be here - you’re welcome to read and you can let me know that you know.  I hope this blog communicates to you and the world how important you all are to me.  I hope you read my words here and think “Yep, that’s our Linda - that’s exactly who she is.”  I always strive to be who I am, flaws and all, and I think that’s a testament to us, collectively.  We are imperfect but fun and loving and, well, stuck with each other.

Dear My Oldest Two Daughters,

GO AWAY!  There is way too much talk about my sex life on this blog for you to be reading here!!  Shoo, I’m not kidding.  Well, OK, you can stay but let us never speak of it, OK?  No eye contact, no communication.  If the word BLOG comes up in polite company, the only appropriate response is “What the heck is a blog?  That’s sure a strange word!”

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Maybe this is vanity driven - maybe none of those people are out there reading.  I don’t know for sure, now, do I?  But if even one of you reading fall into a category above - please drop me a note.  I’d love to know you were out there!   linda@justlinda.net

It’s nearly midnight and I just got home from Billy Joel (underwear intact).  What an awesome concert!  I had a blast. 

Now, off to bed and then to the airport at Silly O’clock to go to Vegas. 

See ya on the flip side…

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