Dec 15 2006
Sanctioned human abuse! It’s true!!
So a few weeks ago, my husband and I whisked the children away for a weekend at Great Wolf Lodge in Kansas City. I think I mentioned it in an earlier post… nobody puked on the car ride and that is 80% of what makes a road trip successful (unless you’re in college, where evidently success is measured by how often someone does puke.)
My husband, who wants nothing more than to have his fat, happy wife back, tried to do a nice thing. He scheduled me for a spa package. Go ahead, oh wives of my readership, and swoon just a little. How sweet, huh?
And yet here I am, the ungrateful wife who says “A pedicure? I can’t get a pedicure now - I’m in the midst of WINTER FEET. I can’t possibly get a pedicure on winter feet! I have to have summer feet where I’m doing some amount of care and maintenance myself. Only then can I get a pedicure!”
There was also a manicure included in the package. Um, here I go again. “A manicure? How can I get a manicure? I just had my 19th nervous breakdown and I pried all my fake nails off with a letter opener simply so I could chew my real nails down to become this unsightly mess you see before you. I can’t possible have them manicure me with these nails!”
Two strikes, right? He’s looking at me like I’m a basket case (which? have I mentioned? I am.)
But the package also had a massage. Ahhhh…. now that I can do!
Of course, saving all that manicure and pedicure money, I thought I’d upgrade to a better massage. So I looked at the web site and thought, well, there - that one is $25 more so it must be much better, right? You would have thought that too, wouldn’t you, Internet? I mean, who needs to ask questions. No, why do that when you can just make assumptions like I do!
So I scheduled my deep tissue massage.
Have you ever had a deep tissue massage?
If not, let me save you some money - just give your spouse a baseball bat and tell him or her to beat the holy shit out of you with it. Because? OUCH. Did you people know that a deep tissue massage was sanctioned human torture? That people pay big bucks to be tortured like this? DID YOU KNOW???? HUH? AND IF SO WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME??
For days, I was recovering from my massage. I was so sore. My husband wanted to help and his idea of help was (wait for it) to try to massage my battered body. I shook with fear when he got near me, wincing from the anticipation of pain. I was certain that had I stripped down and looked in the mirror (which, yeah, I’m not going to scare myself like that) there would have been purple and yellow bruises all over my poor, poor, pitiful body. THAT I PAID GOOD MONEY TO HAVE CALLOUSLY MAULED.
So if you find yourself on Christmas morning not having taken the time to buy your special someone a gift, well, just pound the crap out of him or her and say you’ve chosen to give one of them there special deep tissue massages. There are two benefits to this: one, it should keep you out of the doghouse for not having a gift, and two, it gives you a way to take out all that pent-up holiday stress.
If the whole thing backfires, don’t come crying to me. I might wince in pain to see you coming as I’m still in recovery myself.
But at least I didn’t puke on the car ride home.
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