Nothing to See Here…

A long, long time ago, way back in 1992, a girl named Linda met a boy named Bill.  Now, Linda was divorced with two children but those children went to their father’s house every other weekend.  And during those weekends, the girl named Linda and the boy named Bill %&*#@! like bunnies.  Like bunnies!

The boy named Bill moved into the home where the girl named Linda lived.  Night and day, day and night, rarely getting out of bed, they %&*#@! like bunnies when the children were gone or sleeping.  The weekends were endless %&*#@!%^& (like bunnies). 

Life was good.  Especially because someone (named Bill,ahem) happened to be the Horniest Man in the Universe.  The girl named Linda and the boy named Bill were married in August of 1993.  They moved into the phase of their relationship called legally sanctioned %*#@!%^&  (except for that one thing, which is still illegal in 47 states I think).

In 1996, the girl named Linda gave birth to a baby girl.  O, joy!  O, happiness!  Two weekends later, the evil stepsisters (oh, come on - it’s a joke!) were picked up by their biological sperm-donor father and the girl name Linda smiled and tried to hand over the newborn.  “Here. Her name is Sarah. She wears Pampers.”  But upon learning that children not sired by the ex-husband were not welcomed in his home like his biological kids were (bastard!), the girl named Linda and the boy named Bill realized the serious repercussions:  no more free %&*#@!%^&  like bunnies every other weekend when the big girls were gone. 

The child named Sarah grew and grew and would not leave the bed of her parents.  The teenagers were known to stay up late and the father-in-law was an insomniac who wandered the house all hours.  Where could the girl named Linda and the boy named Bill now go to %&*# like bunnies?  O, despair!

And so the getaway weekend was born.  The girl and the boy, realizing there was no privacy to be had in the very home that previously served as their bawdy love nest, packed up the handcuffs and the studded leather collar and headed away. 

With this tradition, the resuming of the %&*#@!%^&  like bunnies took place.  For four glorious years, there were getaways.  Getaways to New Orleans and to San Francisco and to Florida and even just to the hotel downtown ten minutes from home. 

And the boy was happy.

In 2001, there was a pregnancy.  Followed by a baby.  (I know! We were just as surprised!)  Followed by a sleep-deprived year with said infant!  Followed by another pregnancy.  I’m sure you see where this is going - this new pregnancy also produced a baby, which created that year of breastfeeding and sleep-deprivation that typically follows. 

Four years of no %&*#@!%^& like bunnies.  Four years of no getaway weekends.  Four years of the Horniest Man in the Universe going unsatisfied. 

And then, magically, in 2005, the girl named Linda emerged from the sleepless funk.  The getaway weekend was reinstated!  The sleep deprivation era was nearly over!  Hooray!  The weekend in the summer of ‘05 was a raving success and the girl named Linda and the boy named Bill %&*#@! like bunnies for 5 long days and when they returned, the girl walked a little funny but it all eventually went back to normal.

And the boy was happy.  For awhile.

But then 2006 rolled around and the Horniest Man in the Universe needed more.  “Take my apples, my branches, my leaves, my trunk.  I have nothing left to give.”  Oh, wait… that’s a different tale.

The 2006 getaway weekend was planned to commence on the anniversary of their 1993 wedding - lucky thirteen! The girl named Linda and the boy named Bill were whisking themselves away for the celebration of such a momentous event!  Thirteen years of wedded survival bliss!  (OK, honestly, the anniversary isn’t for two more weeks but this weekend is when the damn cottage was available.  So I took a little dramatic license.  And then felt guilty and confessed to it.  So sue me.)

Readers, friends, and welcomed stalkers, as you peruse this entry, I am, in fact, packing and preparing, on my way, or already at SexFest 2006.  This is the extended weekend where the Horniest Man in the Universe tries to catch up on a full year of deprivation in five short days (or long days, depending upon whose perspective you take.)

Hold me, I’m scared.

Anyway, now you’ll understand why this terribly revealing and embarrassing post remains up on my blog for 5 long days. While I’m gone.  %&*#@!%^&  like a bunny with my husband.

It’s not that I don’t want to update the blog… it’s just that I may be tied up.  Literally.

pssst If I’m not back here on Tuesday, send out a search party.  Yes, yes, I did, in fact, read the book Gerald’s Game.  Yes, I have considered that.