Nothing to See Here…

Firstly, who the hell is Pete?

Secondly, HonestyRain tagged me for a meme.  I’m trying to be all bloggy-cool-like and pretend I hate them, loathe them.  Damn memes - they are like annoying mosquitoes buzzing around my head and I have to keep swatting them away.  Taking up all my time… the line of people who have tagged me circles around the building twice.  I’m in such high demand.

The truth is, I feel special. I was picked!  Almost as good as if Miss Lois from Romper Room had said my name into her magic mirror.  Almost.

So I shall publicly loathe it and lament having to do it (twist my arm, twisssssst) and secretly inside I shall be giddy and tickled to be chosen.  Because I am an attention whore.

This is a book meme.  I like books.  I’ve just started reading voraciously again a few months ago after a long break.  I was sleep deprived for, what, four straight years but now I’m sportin’ new glasses for my old eyes and my kiddos are sleeping through the night so I’m back on the reading bandwagon!

I suppose it’ll be a miracle if I can answer this without using children’s books for each question.  “Yes, yes, The Remarkable Farkle McBride impacted me greatly.  It changed my life!”  Ack.  Let’s leave Elmo out of this if we can, okay?

The only person probably interested in reading this full post is a JustLinda stalker.  If you are stalking me and looking for a conversation opener, the information below might be helpful.  You could gaze across the racks at the Blockbuster and say “I’ve heard that The Cider House Rules is a great movie - have you ever read the book?” and from there you’d probably have wide open access to my life.  I’d tell you my opinion of the book, that I really liked it but mostly I can’t stand Irving and hate many of his other works.  Then I’d tell you where you can find my blog, my life story, my social security number, and the dates and times you might be able to wonder into my house to touch my silky underwear without getting caught. 

Yes, I, myself, am that much of an open book.

If you’re not a stalker, the information below may bore the pants off you (which? if you have a nice ass, perhaps you shouldn’t be wearing pants anyway.)  I would suggest it as good reading for insomniacs, maybe.

Oh, for goodness sakes… I should quit stalling - ON WITH THE MEME!

Name one book that changed your life:

Would you laugh at me if I told you it was the Little House on the Prairie series?  Because, truly, they are what sealed my love of reading.  I was quite young.  I think 2nd grade, maybe.  I would wait until I had saved enough money and then go buy the next one and the next one and the next one.  I still have my original series and my oldest three girls (all readers themselves) never did get into Laura’s tales of life with Ma and Pa and Mary and Carrie and that studly Almanzo (Who names a kid Almanzo???)  But they are the first set of characters that captured my heart and I’ve not stopped reading ever since (except for those four sleepless years previously mentioned.)

I feel like I should go to confession now, fallen Catholic that I am.  For the book that I should have named as having changed my life, per the many expensive years of Catholic school brainwashing, is the Bible.  It’s hard-coded into my Catholic psyche.  And yet here I am choosing Laura Ingalls and that amusing Mr. Edwards instead of Jesus.  Over JESUS, people!  I’m going straight to hell.  You know, that place of eternal damnation in which I don’t really believe.  There.

Name one book you’ve read more than once:

Over the Edge by Jonathan Kellerman

This was the book where I fell in love with Kellerman, many years ago, and then I voraciously read all he put out.  Until Alex Delaware started to bore me, the stories became too hard to swallow, and the books were so similar that one blurred into the next and I couldn’t keep them straight.  Then I stopped reading him.  But recently, I did pick up Rage and I liked it. 

You’d like me to embarrass myself further?  I’ve also read the VC Andrews books over and over when I was a very young; as in before my first orgasm.  Oh, those tragic flowers in that big dusty attic!  Poor Carrie, she just was never the same after Corey died.  So very sad.  And how could Chris and Cathy not turn to each other in such a vulnerable time in their lives?

I used to read books over and over when I was younger, but honestly I haven’t done that in fifteen years or more.  Too many books that need reading and already not enough time to get to them all.

Name one book you’d want on a desert island:

Holy cow, how can I possibly answer this.  The truth is I cannot, I just can’t.  In fact, I can’t choose a favorite book.  I love so many, the ones on Oprah’s book club list, native American historical fiction, suspense thrillers, Life of Pi, Wally Lamb, Clan of the Cave Bear, American Gods, Jane Austen, To Kill a Mockingbird, Gregory Maguire, White Oleander, Fall on your Knees, Anne Rice, Baldacci, Turow, Crichton.  I don’t know.  Please don’t make me choose.  You’re going to reduce me to an anxiety attack!

Name one book that made you laugh:

Erma Bombeck.  Holy hell, is she funny.  Every one of her books has made me laugh.  I couldn’t possibly name just one.  Erma, rest her hilarious soul, is sort of an idol of mine, maybe the closest thing I have to one.  I started reading her syndicated newspaper column when I was a young girl and she hooked me from the start.

Name one book that made you cry:

Well, I do admit that The Giving Tree has made me cry (there, I did it - I included a children’s book) but in the end, I get kind of pissed off by the whole thing because, seriously, does the boy never learn the lesson about giving back?  I understand it’s a metaphor and yadda yadda yadda but I really would like for him to plant some fucking flowers around the tree stump or offer up some Miracle Grow or something just to show that he does care about the damn tree and it’s not all one-sided.  But even though I have these aggressive, unresolved feelings over the book, it does make me cry.  Which obviously means I’m a good mommy who loves her children that much.

The book I just finished reading that did make me cry is called What Remains.  It is written by Carole Radziwill as a memoir to her husband, Anthony Radziwill (who was JFK, Jr’s first cousin and best friend), John F. Kennedy, Jr. and Carolyn Bessette (who she claimed as her own best friend.)  She isn’t really a sentimental writer, and yet the story itself is so sad and sometimes her lack of sentimentality makes it that much more sad.  I didn’t realize it was a memoir, non-fiction, when I picked it up, but I did enjoy it and it did make me cry.

There are plenty of books that I simply cried my way through.  One that comes to mind is The Deep End of the Ocean.  Oh, how I loved that book.  So sad….

Name one book that you wish had been written:

Mine.  The one I will write.  You know, the book that will prove to the world that more people than just my mother think I have talent.  That one.  I actually started writing it once.  I got three chapters done and then I got pregnant and haven’t picked it up since (that was in 2001.)  I wish it was behind me so I could just move on to the post-writing stage where people throw buckets of money at me.  Hardback!  Library edition!  Paperback!  Book tours!  Speaking engagements!  MY PULITZER PRIZE!  Come on, let’s get this party started, already. 

Oh, work?  I first have to do work?  Crap.  I thought maybe you were a Genie and I got to make a wish.  I’d really like to skip that blasted work part of the equation…

Name one book that you wish had never been written:

I don’t even need to think on this one.  And here I go to the children’s books again, but I am seriously creeped out by Love You Forever by Robert Munsch.  Yes, yes, I know - I’ll probably get my mommy club card revoked for speaking such a sacrilege.  I even blogged about this creepy book back around Halloween last year (which seemed appropriate.)

Name one book you are currently reading:

I am in the early part of the newest Sue Miller book to hit paperback.  It’s called Lost in the Forest.  Love me some Sue Miller.  Her books While I Was Gone and The Good Mother count amongst some of my favorites.  I don’t love everything she writes, but I loved those two.

Name one book you’ve been meaning to read:

One?  I don’t know how I can say just one.  I have been meaning to read more classics.  I used to do it, but haven’t much in the recent past.  My problem with the classics is that I think my expectations are so high, that I am sometimes disappointed.  Then again, there are those I love, like Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility because the language - oh, the language, people.  It’s so beautiful. 

I’ve been meaning to read a few of my husband’s favorites.  He’s a Sci-Fi genre guy but he tells me I must read Good Omens and Snow Crash and Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.  Those have been on my list for years now. 

I also have several books that I have started and never finished.  I know that if I stick with them, I will probably be rewarded.  I will probably end up loving them.  But - gah - life seems too short to read books that are boring me to tears, ya know?  Still, persistence does often pay off in this area.  There are lots of books that litter my shelves that I’ve begun and then put down along the way.  Someday…. someday.

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Oh, for goodness sakes… WAKE UP.  Shut off the monitor and go to bed if you’re so damn tired.  Go on, now. Scram.

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