Jul 26 2006
If I only had a brain….
Oh, sure, it was the scarecrow who wanted a brain, and the tin-man who claimed he wanted a heart but what the tin-man REALLY needed was OIL.
Kind of like my van.
I was driving to the orthodontist with my kid and my van seized up right there - holding its ax right up in the air. There wasn’t rain but the humidity was so high I’m sure that’s why.
So there we were in the middle of the glade road with a frozen minivan. It was like it was trying to say something to me. I listened closely. Oiiiicnnnn. What? Oilllcann. Oh, OILCAN? Oiiiilcannnnn.
The damn van needed some oil.
Of course, we had sent it into the grand buffet of all things oil related back before our recent vacation. It was like a spa day for minivans. We gave it a pedicure new brake pads and a full body massage tune-up and got all those bits and baubles changed. You know what I mean, filters and fluids and such. We went in there and said “The works! Give her the works! Because nothing is too good for my minivan!”
So when she seized up with her ax in the air, we were perplexed. I called AAA and had her towed into the dealership where we have ALL her work done. We said “Our girl, she is ailing, help her. Helllllllllllp her!”
They said “She has no oil. She is out of oil. You are an idiot who did not give your beloved vehicle the oil it so desired.”
We said “But we told YOU to give her the oil! We asked for the WORKS. We told you to take care of our girl for us, as we have no mechanical skills to do so ourselves.”
They said “But you didn’t ASK for the oil to be changed.”
We said “But we wanted THE WORKS - we told you to make her ready for a long trip. Surely THE OIL is part of that?”
They said “You are morons who didn’t look at the paperwork. We didn’t write OIL on the paperwork and therefore we maintain that you didn’t want OIL.”
We said “Who doesn’t want OIL for their beloved vehicle prior to a long trip?”
We said, they said. Who the fuck cares. What it boils down to is NO OIL. Engine seized. Car broken. VERY expensive to fix. Very.
I tried to give them a charismatic four year old as payment but they said NO WAY. Evidently, her tantrums can be heard all the way up at the Dodge dealership.
FUCK.
I already knew I wasn’t responsible enough to have a library card and please do not ever give me a Blockbuster card ever ever again. But I thought I could handle a CAR. I’d been handling cars for over 20 years now. I hadn’t killed one yet. Oh, I’ve worn a few of them down but none of them died in the middle of the glade road with their ax in the air like this one.
My minivan, she is dead. Can we all have a moment of silence?
OK, that’s enough (you know how I can’t stand the silence and must fill it with words, right?)
My tribute to my dearly departed minivan, as well as my lament about my poor, irresponsible, non-functioning brain…
(Sung to the tune of ‘If I Only Had a Brain’ from The Wizard of Oz)
I might let the car go oil-less
The engine seize in distress
While my head explodes in pain
On my blog I’d be postin’
It wouldn’t quite be boastin’
‘Cause I really have no brain.
I should check the oily weekly
The dipstick placed obliquely
Whether snow or sleet or rain
I should refill all the fluids
Not like those ancient druids
If I only had a brain
I shall begin the mourning process
My bank account in distress
My husband gone insane
For a van I’ll be shoppin’
And its oil always toppin’
If I ever get a brain
What now??? Do we take our chances with a rebuilt engine or just go buy a new van. “Honey, the oil’s empty. Let’s go buy a new van!” This is soooo not us. We are not frivolous car buyers. We drive them into the ground, usually for 10 years, before we replace them. Next thing you know we’ll be shopping for a new house because the wastebaskets are full in our current one. Or the weeds are out of control. Or the place needs painting. Or the handle on the microwave is broke. Or the banister is pulling out from the wall. Or the garage is full of crap. OR ALL OF THOSE THINGS.
Holy crap, am I an idiot.
This is just MY opinion, but I would think “The Works” is…you know…THE WORKS!! I would think this would include an OIL change since most people (including me and my brothers and brother-in-law) ALWAYS have an oil change right before a long trip. I think they used disappearing ink on the paper so they can’t be blamed!
I agree!!! When you say the works, it means and it especially means an oil change. Everyone knows to do this with new cars & old alike, every 3 months or 3,000 miles which every comes first. You have a BRAIN…I think the car/van dealership lost theirs!!!!!!!!!
I agree, and furthermore, I would ask for the mechanic in who’s care the vehicle was left if he understood the instructions given, and if not, why? Additionally, I would assure them that no further purchases, service, or referals would be forthcomming, and then I would make it so.
Linda, just because you didn’t get the oil CHANGED does not mean there should be no oil! Does the dealership provide your regular service? If so? wtf? and who has who’s head up who’s ass? and hello? better. business. bureau. complaint. This is not your
Oh, but the new vans, they are so pretty and sparkly and, well, not full of the trash the current ones are!
My lease is up next month, and a new lease is almost double the current payment, yet I hold out hope for the new shiny sparkly one.
If “The Works” doesn’t include something as basic as an oil change just what does it include, filling the windshield wiper fluid and cleaning out the ash trays?!?!
btw thanks for the reminder, I need to get my oil changed!
Hurry up! Somebody get the oil can to Jezzie - I’m pretty sure she seized up.
I’m totally with you on the works including OIL CHANGE!!! Pretty much, that’s the basis of THE WORKS. Get some money out of those losers.