Nothing to See Here…

This topic of FRIENDS is complex, isn’t it?

I mean, when we’re kids, we know how important our friends are.  We spend all our time with them, hanging out, talking to them on the phone, writing notes in class, etc.  Even past high school, in college and in our 20s, friends feature prominently.  We like our friends, we value our friends, we invest time into them, we nurture them.

But somewhere along the line, it seems to get really complicated.  You wake up and you’re a mother with children and you’re a wife to a husband who has needs, and maybe you’re even an employee with commitments and responsibilities around a job (fucking job!) 

Your need for friends doesn’t go away, but your ability to cultivate them, to nurture and enjoy them, seems to be sacrificed to the greater good of the family.  Or maybe it’s just me. 

Like most moms, I am pretty darn busy.  Why, if it wasn’t for my job, I probably couldn’t blog at all (shut up!)  I barely have time to toss the kids in the tub occasionally and throw together some Kraft Macaroni-n-Cheese (it’s the cheesiest!) much less hang out with friends.

Or am I doing it all wrong?

I have a handful of women I will always consider friends.  I can go years without seeing them, but they are my friends.  I care deeply about them.  I have the most precious memories of our common past, school and Six Flags and CYC Follies.  We were into boys and parties and boys and smoking and boys and boys.  I would love to see these women more often, but our lives have just gone in different directions.

I would like to have more new friends, but I don’t seem to make friends very easily.  I’m an introvert (are you choking on something?  shall I hit you really hard on your back to try to help with that?)  No, really, I am an introvert.  I play the part of extrovert in real life.  Most people don’t believe I’m an introvert, but I am.  I have a really hard time making friends.  We’ve lived in our house for over 4 years and I know NO ONE in the neighborhood beyond a casual hello. 

I’ve never met another mother at the park and made a play date.  And even though I joined the PTO, I sit in those meetings feeling like a total fraud, a misfit, a poser.  I cannot seem to make friends.  I never feel like I fit in. 

Except on the Internet. 

I joined a pregnancy message board nearly 5 years ago and I still hang out with those peeps.  Everyday.  I guess I would probably count them as my closest friends right now.  If there is a crisis in my world, it would be a few of them I would run to for a shoulder to cry on.  I love my old friends from grade school, but I just can’t see picking up the phone, after not having spoken to them in months and months, to commiserate on whatever issue has reared its head.

I’ve been doing this blog thing for about a year now (next month is my 1 year anniversary) and I haven’t made friends here either.  I think I might have become a scary stalker-like person to some bloggers (”That JustLinda, I wish she’d stop reading my blog. I’m worried she’s going to show up one day Single White Female style and try to take over my life!”)   I have ‘met’ some people with whom I am very friendly, but I don’t know how to take it beyond that.  It’s like I keep people at arm’s length or something.

So there is a lot of talk in the blogosphere about the BlogHer conference later this month.  Who is going and the events and that sort of thing.  I sit on the outskirts.  I’d love to go, but no, I can’t.  Maybe next year?  Maybe within another year, I’ll actually break through and make friends with someone else and we can plan itineraries and share a room (warning: I snore) and enjoy the event together.

Maybe.

Why is it so hard?  Is it hard for you?  Those of you who do it, how?  Do you just take a chance, risk coming right out and say “Hey, I really like you - won’t you tell me more about yourself?” (Warning: don’t ever ask me that question - you will regret it!!!)

Right now in my life, virtual friendship (real friendships in the virtual world) work best because I can squeeze them in here and there, check my email and reply when I have a minute, respond to a post or a blog entry, as time permits.  Real life friends seem to mean taking 3 or 4 hours out to hang together.  I have to clean my house to have real life friends over, whereas I can sit in the chaos of clutter and hang with my online friends.  I may need a babysitter to meet real life friends for dinner, but I can eat a sandwich and catch up with my online friends.

Here’s what I know:  I need friends.  I need the connection to other human beings that a friendship brings.  But I’m pretty pressed for time and I’m an introvert, so real life friendships have sort of eluded me for several years.  I seem to have the capacity to make online friends, because I have done it, but I’m not sure how or if it’s repeatable or whether I’m doing something wrong or what.  But I’m open to it.

So, tell me how you feel about how friendship fits in with motherhood and being a wife and a worker and whatever other roles you have in your life.  Is it hard or easy?  Necessary or just icing on the cake?  Something you commit to everyday or something that is on hold right now?  How do you break through and make it happen or are you in the same boat as I’m in?  Are you going to BlogHer and if so, is it solo or on the buddy system? 

I feel like such a dork on this topic.  Hi, my name is Linda and I don’t know how to make friends.  Will you be my friend?  The only reason I’m putting it out there is that I just know I’m not all alone on this.  Safety in numbers and all that.  Let’s chat, shall we?