May 19 2006
Evidently, they don’t have good HAM in Florida. Who knew?
So I mentioned in my last post that we are going on vacation! Soon! With my entire family!
This includes my parents, my two sisters, my one brother, my spouse and my brother’s spouse, and collectively 14 children. To be fair, some of the children are upwards of 18 years old. There are only a couple in the teen/tween age range. There are a few in the 5-10 crowd. And there are 4 that are age 4 or under. One isn’t even scheduled to make his debut until August. Should be fun.
What isn’t fun is this whole coordinating thing that takes place before.
“I’m bringing a BLENDER. No one else really needs to bring a blender. I think we really only need one blender. Do you think we should have more than one blender?”
My brother is bringing the beach pavilion thing so those of us with delicate alabaster skin won’t fry to such a degree that we spend the next 4 days crying and begging for more Solarcane as we shiver while our skin literally burns off our bodies. He’s also bringing the big-ass cooler and 4 cases of beer.
My mom wants me to bring the Coleman JUG. Do you know what a Coleman jug is? Do you have one? Where do you keep it? Hypothetically, if you were the Coleman jug in MY house, um, where would you be? Honestly, I think it would be cheaper to buy a new one than to spend hours looking for mine, but I can’t tell my mom that. So we’ll pick one up from Walmart and I’ll have my 9 year old go out back and scrape it all up on the concrete patio so that it doesn’t look new at all. Then, of course, next week the 4 year old can say “Grandma, do you like our new Coleman jug? Mommy bought it but made Sarah scrape it all up so you wouldn’t know it was brand new.”
Several times now, my mom has either informed or asked us if she should bring a ham. “I think I’ll bring a ham. Should I bring a ham? Our ham here is SO much better than theirs.”
Likewise, my dad is feeling the same about pork steaks. “We should bring pork steaks. Who knows what the quality of their pork steaks are down there.”
My mom rolls her eyes as if Dad is an idiot thinking this way about pork steaks, but I don’t point out to her that she feels the exact same about ham.
My sisters and I are laughing behind their backs and telling them “Let’s just buy our food down there. I’m sure they have perfectly nice hams and pork steaks.” But I don’t think our parents are convinced. Still, Mom has conceded a little ground in this because she told me today “I’m definitely going to bring a half a ham.”
I’m DYING here. Why do they have such little faith in Florida’s PORK products? Why don’t they feel the same way about beef? Chicken? Was there a Bill O’Reilly special on how the liberals have impacted the quality of the pork supply down south of the bible belt? DID I MISS SOME BIG MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT AMERICA’S PORK SUPPLY?
To be honest, I’m not sold on the necessity of ham, whether good ham or bad ham, but Mom seems certain that ham sandwiches are a necessary component to the success of this trip. HAM for EVERYONE!
Me? I think the key food group for this particular trip is RUM. Mixed up with ICE. And, of course, the magically delicious PINA COLADA MIX. Fuck the ham. I want me a strong drink and a half naked cabana boy to rub oil on me.
ONE WEEK, people! ONE week!!!
ps: Just as the confidence to go to the hair stylist means you have successfully eradicated the lice, so does making a pedicure appointment mean you are confident you have banished the toe fungus. I’m getting my pedicure on Tuesday. The fungus is officially gone. Let us speak of it no more (and yet? still google hits galore).
pss: Will someone please SELECT the postID_meta_key or whatever the fuck that error at the top of my screen says I need to do? I DON”T KNOW WHAT THE DAMN DATABASE WANTS FROM ME! The error won’t go away. I’ve sacrified two virgins and burned incense and prayed to the God of SQL and THE ERROR WON’T GO AWAY! I promise I’ll never laugh at another Apple Computer commercial again if my stuff will just start working right.
psss: I just can’t seem to END anything - I just have so much to say to you people.
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