May 19 2006
Evidently, they don’t have good HAM in Florida. Who knew?
So I mentioned in my last post that we are going on vacation! Soon! With my entire family!
This includes my parents, my two sisters, my one brother, my spouse and my brother’s spouse, and collectively 14 children. To be fair, some of the children are upwards of 18 years old. There are only a couple in the teen/tween age range. There are a few in the 5-10 crowd. And there are 4 that are age 4 or under. One isn’t even scheduled to make his debut until August. Should be fun.
What isn’t fun is this whole coordinating thing that takes place before.
“I’m bringing a BLENDER. No one else really needs to bring a blender. I think we really only need one blender. Do you think we should have more than one blender?”
My brother is bringing the beach pavilion thing so those of us with delicate alabaster skin won’t fry to such a degree that we spend the next 4 days crying and begging for more Solarcane as we shiver while our skin literally burns off our bodies. He’s also bringing the big-ass cooler and 4 cases of beer.
My mom wants me to bring the Coleman JUG. Do you know what a Coleman jug is? Do you have one? Where do you keep it? Hypothetically, if you were the Coleman jug in MY house, um, where would you be? Honestly, I think it would be cheaper to buy a new one than to spend hours looking for mine, but I can’t tell my mom that. So we’ll pick one up from Walmart and I’ll have my 9 year old go out back and scrape it all up on the concrete patio so that it doesn’t look new at all. Then, of course, next week the 4 year old can say “Grandma, do you like our new Coleman jug? Mommy bought it but made Sarah scrape it all up so you wouldn’t know it was brand new.”
Several times now, my mom has either informed or asked us if she should bring a ham. “I think I’ll bring a ham. Should I bring a ham? Our ham here is SO much better than theirs.”
Likewise, my dad is feeling the same about pork steaks. “We should bring pork steaks. Who knows what the quality of their pork steaks are down there.”
My mom rolls her eyes as if Dad is an idiot thinking this way about pork steaks, but I don’t point out to her that she feels the exact same about ham.
My sisters and I are laughing behind their backs and telling them “Let’s just buy our food down there. I’m sure they have perfectly nice hams and pork steaks.” But I don’t think our parents are convinced. Still, Mom has conceded a little ground in this because she told me today “I’m definitely going to bring a half a ham.”
I’m DYING here. Why do they have such little faith in Florida’s PORK products? Why don’t they feel the same way about beef? Chicken? Was there a Bill O’Reilly special on how the liberals have impacted the quality of the pork supply down south of the bible belt? DID I MISS SOME BIG MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT AMERICA’S PORK SUPPLY?
To be honest, I’m not sold on the necessity of ham, whether good ham or bad ham, but Mom seems certain that ham sandwiches are a necessary component to the success of this trip. HAM for EVERYONE!
Me? I think the key food group for this particular trip is RUM. Mixed up with ICE. And, of course, the magically delicious PINA COLADA MIX. Fuck the ham. I want me a strong drink and a half naked cabana boy to rub oil on me.
ONE WEEK, people! ONE week!!!
ps: Just as the confidence to go to the hair stylist means you have successfully eradicated the lice, so does making a pedicure appointment mean you are confident you have banished the toe fungus. I’m getting my pedicure on Tuesday. The fungus is officially gone. Let us speak of it no more (and yet? still google hits galore).
pss: Will someone please SELECT the postID_meta_key or whatever the fuck that error at the top of my screen says I need to do? I DON”T KNOW WHAT THE DAMN DATABASE WANTS FROM ME! The error won’t go away. I’ve sacrified two virgins and burned incense and prayed to the God of SQL and THE ERROR WON’T GO AWAY! I promise I’ll never laugh at another Apple Computer commercial again if my stuff will just start working right.
psss: I just can’t seem to END anything - I just have so much to say to you people.
it is commonly understood that floridians are not kkown for their ham. it is commonly know. didn’t you know? i knew.
I agree Linda all Family Vacations should be ventured with an ample amount of alcohol! You say Rum, I say Jager…we’re heading to the same place just taking different vehicles!
ssshhh I don’t want my PC to hear but I love those Apple Commercials too!
Check this link for your error code:
http://codex.wordpress.org/Answers-Trouble_Shooting#Errorcode_13
It’s a SERVER problem, not your WordPress.
Whenever I get an error code, I Google it. Eventually I can find out what’s wrong because others will most likely have the same problem.
BTW I love your blog. I only read about 4 or 5. Yours is #1 on my list.
Your dad may be right. I remember reading somewhere that pork steaks are a regional, midwest kind of thing. Some parts of the country don’t have them.
What’s with your brother? He thinks they don’t have BEER in Florida?
ok, so are we talking about smithfield ham from virgina? mmmmmmm. with a little mustard on a dinner roll? triple mmmmm. have fun in fla! sounds like a blast.
Get a jug at the thrift store..if it’s a different color, she’ll just think she’s losing her mind.
I feel the need to speak out for ALL Floridians here and say “WE HAVE GOOD HAM”. Seriously. Our ham rocks. We kick BUTT in the Ham department here in Florida. Your momma is going to wish she could pack a suitcase of ham to take back there. Oh, but yeah, the pork steak around here sucks. LOL.
Another interesting bit of trivia from Lon for you…
Pork prior to sometime in the late 50’s or early 60’s when the big low fat craze took hold, was of FAR better quality than today’s pork. This is due to the fat content. Today’s pork is bred to be lean. In fact, it was done so much that you can’t find pork ANYWHERE (like, as in it doesn’t exist on this planet anymore) that has the high quality fat content of todays pork.
Why does fat content matter? For instance, the FDA has issued a statement saying if you took a piece of pork and a piece of beef and stripped the entirety of the fat off each piece, you wouldn’t be able to taste the difference when you cooked the two..
In other words, the fat is where the flavor is so don’t trim your meat!!
I should have read that over.. sounds misleading..
Today pork = teh sux0rs
50 years ago pork = oh my goodness this is good.
Crud…what I wouldn’t give to be able to edit a comment. Old style pork does exist. Called Kurobuta Pork from the Berkshire breed of pigs. Berkshire pigs have remained purebred since 1875, hence they are old style. But at between $10 and $25 a pound…
MMMMMMMMmmmmmm Pork.
And why does my mil feel the need to send me the ham/turkey/cheese combo box from Vermont? Clearly if it comes via UPS it must be good?
Try the second shelf on the right in the basement for the jug. But, I don’t know that the “mom’s (rum) smoothie punch” will come out of there so well down on the beach.
Pretend that the error message is SUPPOSED to be there…like it’s some sort of feature of your template or something. You’re Linda, you’re cool, and if you’ve got it on your site, everyone else should want it, too!
Where was your brother and his beach pavilion when I was scorching myself last Friday, that’s what I want to know!
I’m thinking lots of alcohol is needed for a party that size, especially if they are all relatives. Food would be optional.
Check the garage for the Coleman jug
OH, MAN…..Florida is overrun with Republicans, trust me, we have pork aplenty. Teachers salaries suck, but we have plenty in the pork barrel. Which coast are you going to? I live in St. Pete on the West Coast.Jess
Cuban sandwiches are made from pork in many varieties, so I’m assuming you’ll be okay in Florida. I think the Coleman jug is in the attic behind the box with the Christmas lights.
[…] So, say, a colleague went and Googled my name (hi, colleagues! please don’t go reading the archives, I didn’t mean a WORD of it, not any of it! I swear!), this site is the first one that will come up. Or, if my mom were to Google my name - she’d know I was making fun of her about the ham. […]