Nothing to See Here…

Earlier this week, Dooce wrote a post about her love for some cute new shoes.  In her comments section (And, yes, I take full credit for those comments getting turned back on, because LOOK HERE!!!  Could the timing of it be just a coincidence?  Ha!), I made a reply about how I’d prefer the brown loafers that she seems to despise and that my closet is filled with all manners of obscene CFM shoes that I wouldn’t mind getting rid of.  The fetish in this house isn’t MINE, it’s that of my husband, The Horniest Man in the Universe. 

I can’t believe how many hits I got off that comment… other women with dainty size 10 paddle-boats like myself who wanted to line up for the “Like new!  Never touched the floor!  Heels so high that they require the wearer to have a DEATH WISH!” shoes.  There are strappy shoes, thigh high boots, high heeled granny shoes, even a pair that looks like hiking boots only with a 4″ heel.  Black ones, white ones, red ones, pink ones.  You name it, we’ve got it.

But?  They totally aren’t really mine to sell.  So, I’ll tell you what I’ll do- I will take applications and pre-qualifiy candidates and if I die (heaven forbid) or divorce my husband (which could happen as early as tomorrow), then you can step in (pun! get it? step? shoes?) and compete to be my replacement.  And with that role comes 100 pairs of size 10 slut shoes (and also? The Horniest Man in the Universe). 

I think I should start up a weekly feature here to show you these shoes in all their uncomfortably shiny ridiculousness.  Seriously.  It’s outrageous.

This week, we have a very special shoe.  A stolen shoe.  A shoe currently touring the WORLD.  Let me step back a bit…

In the summer of 2003, I was dumb enough to invite a bunch of crazy-fun internet bitches that I met online in 2001 when I was pregnant with my Jadyn.  I’m not sure who among us thought that assembling a couple dozen 18-month old TODDLING babies was a good idea, but the plans pushed forward.  The exact numbers escape me, but it was near about 24 mommies, all with 18-month old babies, some with spouses, many with other children, and one even brought her mom.  We had a blast!  (And?  In spite of what I’m about to tell you, I still count these women among my bestest friends and I still hang with them daily on a message board.)

We spent time at the hotel pool and at the Little Gym and places like that, but we also spent time at my house - the scene of the crime. This is where the thievery comes in — some so-called ‘friends’ (we’ll call them HEIDI, JANIE, and JEN mostly because those are their names) went into the Closet of Slutville and stole a shoe.  Just one shoe.  And now, two and a half years later, that shoe still tours the world and hasn’t made it home, much to the consternation of my husband who evidently cannot find satisfaction in the 199 other shoes in that closet he Must Have That One That Is Missing.  Now, Dammit!  I actually get a kick out of how irritated this traveling shoe makes him.  Good thing he doesn’t read this blog to know that it amuses me so (hi, honey!).

This post is worthless without the pictures.  They are little ransom images, they say to me “The shoe is well and visited Disney today.  If you wish to see it home safe, too bad - it’s going to Podunk, Illinois next.  Try to catch it if you can.”  I’m convinced we shall never see the shoe again.  Its mate will die of lonliness and depression in my closet.

The thing about internet friends… you can just never let them run around in your home unescorted!  (The internet is FULL of weirdos, my mom always tells me.  Yes, Mom, I know ’cause I’m one of them.)

Without further ado, I bring you photographic evidence that those traveling pants people totally STOLE their story premise from us, the Sisterhood of the Traveling Shoe.

The shoe started its journey in St. Louis, its home town:

I don’t know the exact series of travels after that, but let me give you a sense of where it’s been:

Disney (California, I believe… it still wants to go to Florida before it dies):

It even made it overseas.  This shot is from Iceland:

Fort Worth, TX:

The beauty of Idaho:

Compared to the beauty of Colorado:

Rose Bowl?

It went to church somewhere with someone (maybe it got baptized and committed to change its wicked,slutty ways?):

And lastly, it visited a zoo.  See the elephant?  She’s saying “Hey, I wear that same size, only in a WWW width.”

The moral of the story is:

1) Beware of the weirdos on the internet, especially if they go missing and are very quiet in your home, and

2) If you wear a size 10 and would like to hook up with the Horniest Man in the Universe, send your application to linda@justlinda.net.  I get the results back from my comprehensive medical screening Monday, so we’ll know then if the job is likely to open up any time soon.  (note: there is a $100,000.00 application fee *)

(* Well, I gotta find SOME way for this blog to make a living for me….)