Nothing to See Here…

(I bet you thought I was going to talk about the f-u-n-g-u-s, but I’m totally NOT, mostly because I’m damn sick of the search engine referrals I keep getting - this is a whole different toenail issue here!)

Look at that subject line.  How in the world could those three things have anything to do with each other.  But I shall call upon my master storytelling skills to weave you a tale and in the end you’ll be, like, ah, yes - of course they are all related.

So, you may remember from previous whining posts on my blog that my father-in-law lives with us.  He has for a dozen years.  Yeah, it was a “temporary arrangement” that just hasn’t ended.  But we put him to work babysitting children and mowing lawns and it’s all I can expect for now.  The problem is my husband, who doesn’t read this blog (Hi, honey!) won’t just say “Dad?  That bitch I married is DAMN tired of you living here.  Can you go find somewhere else to live?” so we’re kind of stuck with him.

But he does mow the lawn.

Well, he DID mow the lawn.  Until Friday when he slipped on the hill while mowing the lawn and broke his ankle.  Of course, the first question that came to my mind is “Who the hell is going to mow the lawn now that the Lawn Boy broke his ankle?”  Just kidding.  Well, sort of kidding.  I guess my husband, who doesn’t read this blog (Hi, honey!) will have to take on lawn mowing duties for the time being.  After all, I’m WAY to busy monitoring online systems. 

So, the old man broke his ankle.  Not only does this impact the mowing of the lawn, but it impacts the watching of the baby.  The baby is nearly 2 and she stays home with Papa while her daddy, who doesn’t read this blog (Hi, honey!) and I go to work everyday.  The other two go to school.  Tweedle-dee is in 4th grade at a fine St. Louis County public institution and Tweedle-junior is in a full time preschool (which, yes, is a daycare but the teachers are all degreed and licensed educators so I continue to call it full time preschool).  But Baby-Bits is not quite 2 and she still stays home because I have the Lawn Boy to watch her while we work.

But?  Broken ankles do not good babysitters of 2 year olds make.  So this whole week, we’re juggling.  Bill, who does not read this blog (Hi, honey!) took off Monday.  I worked from home yesterday and will do so again on Thursday and Friday.  But today?  We were in a bind.  And besides– the old man has a splint with his leg elevated and I simply could not stay home and have that overgrown toenail staring me in the face anymore.  Seriously - what is it with old people who don’t trim their toenails? 

It wasn’t just the toenail.  It was also the channel flipping.  Sure, I was supposed to be working, yes, I know that.  But he sat there and watched 45 minutes of Presumed Innocent (Harrison Ford?  Yum.  Book by David Balducci?  Excellent.) and I was completely engrossed.  And?  WHEN IT WAS IN THE LAST 15 MINUTES WHERE THE WHOLE PLOT COMES TOGETHER?  Bastard changed the channel.  I almost turned into that Kathy Bates character from Misery.  Where the hell is my big sledge hammer?  That toenail has GOT to go!

So you can see why it was better for everyone for me to come to work today (and, you know, catch up on blogging).  Whew. 

But I had to find someone to watch Baby-Bits… who, who… think, Linda, think.  Your single younger sister who loves the baby and would probably go for any excuse to take off work (Hi, Jenn!  GET BACK TO WORK, will ya?)  No.  How about the older sister who has only mostly grown kids and is also between jobs?  Nah.  The retired grandmother who does nothing but chain smoke all day?  Nope, not her either.  I got it!  Let’s ask the pregnant sister-in-law who has 5 children under the age of 12!  Yes, yes, she might not even NOTICE an extra one slipped in there.

To be fair, three of hers go to school so there are only the two little ones there.  And, most importantly, she said YES when I asked her.  Ha!  SUCKER! (Love ya, Cath!)

So this morning, I get Baby-Bits dressed, toss some dipes and her blanky in a bag and take her over to Aunt Cathy’s house.  This is a first.  Oh, Rae-Rae has had babysitters before, my mom, my sis.  But always at our house.  I’ve never EVER dropped her off anywhere before.  I wasn’t sure what to expect.  I guess I was hoping for a little baby-mama drama…. “Nooo… ” clinging to the leg, declaring undying love, that sort of thing.  Ends up it was mostly ME doing those things.

I kissed her goodbye and she basically said “Good riddance!  And don’t come back unless you bring me some chicken nuggets, woman!” and that was that.  She was done with me.  No drama at all. 

I just called my sister-in-law to check in.  Evidently, Raena is calling her 4 year old cousin MAMA now so I have already been replaced.  By a 4 year old with a lisp.

I’m a little sad. 

Rae is my last little baby.  MY LAST (except? I was due to refill my birth control pills last WEEKEND and haven’t done it yet so if I get pregnant, and it’s a girl, I’m naming her Hazel!)  We have mostly put away all things that are baby things… bouncy seats and swings and bassinets and baby baths.  All that remains of her ‘babyhood’ are a few bits and pieces - the crib, of course, the stroller, and her special clip-on chair at the kitchen table.  That’s it.

But?  I guess I was holding onto a few emotional bits of baby gear.  I think I was holding onto the part where she clings to me when I try and drop her off.  This morning, I realized that piece of babyhood has been packed away with the other stuff.  She had no separation anxiety at all.  She was little miss independent “Yeah, Mom, I’ll be over here building a tower with Lauren and Drew, OK?”

Somewhere - way back in my brain - I think I’m hoping Katie, my oldest at nearly 23, will get ON with it and fall in love and make me a baby, a grandbaby.  Oh, sure, she won’t name her Hazel, I know that (mostly because I’ve already tried to talk her into it) but still - how will I go on with no BABIES in my life?  I need babies in my life!  Somebody give me a damn BABY!

My little Rae-Rae… she didn’t even watch me walk out of the house this morning when I dropped her off.  It makes me want to cry and, to be honest, I blame it all on the LAWN BOY!  Yeah, that’s the ticket… I’m taking all my frustration out on that groady untrimmed toenail!  Ewwwwww…

(for the record, last night in bed, I made my husband, who doesn’t read this blog (Hi, honey!) promise that he would NEVER allow that to happen to his toenails, that truly and surely, that there is grounds for divorce!)

So there you have it… toenails, sisters-in-law, and baby gear.  That is the story of my day thus far.  And it’s not even HALF over.  Who knows what the next 10 hours hold for me…. I might get home and see that the toenail has been TRIMMED.  What a treat that would be, huh?