Nothing to See Here…

I’ve mentioned that I’m married to a bona fide pervert, right?  A loyal, dedicated, LOVING pervert, but a pervert none the less.

Let’s just say that the FedEx guy brings us lots of stuff in plain brown wrapping and if you’re wise, you will never EVER open those packages in front of the children.  I have even received a birthday gift that I couldn’t open in front of the kids.  Before I even unwrapped it, I was quite certain that my gift was more for him than it was for me. 

I got another such gift from him this weekend.  “But, it’s the only one Dr. Ruth EVER endorsed!  It must be good!”

Go visit the website to learn more!  (Warning: may not be work-appropriate, unless you work in, say, the porn industry - then GO ON and CLICK IT! Hurry!)  You, too, can have this Flabbergasmic sexual aid!  Yes, they actually made up the word Flabbergasmic and it is even registered and italicized.  Flabbergasmic!  I’m going to use it all the time.  But I promise that every time I use it, I will then say in a fine print sort of voice “Flabbergasmic is a registered trademark of the Eroscillator company, the only sexual aid EVER endorsed by Doctor Ruth!  Orgasms available to all, no purchase necessary.  Simply send a self-addressed stamped envelope to Flabbergasmic HQ, Boulder, Colorado, 97736.  Limited time offer.  Employees not eligible.  All sales final.” and then I would slow down a lot and say “SATISFACTION GARE-UN-TEED!” with that voice that makes you visualize the naughty up and down eyebrows.

There are many, um, attachments to the Eroscillator.  Because my husband spoils me so, he bought all of them.  I swear, I must have sat there with my jaw hanging open.  He spent more on a friggin’ vibrator than we spent on our last washer (and yet? if I angle myself just so, I can get the same value from the washer when it’s on the spin cycle).

People, there ain’t no way I can get by with pretending this one is just an outstanding back-massager that is also multi-purpose.  This thing is what it is and that’s ALL it is.  Oy, the attachments!!!  I don’t know if I can bring myself to GO there.  And it’s AC powered!  There is a DVD with it.  Instructions?  Does one really require instructions for such a device?  Really?

Of course, vibrators must have names.  It’s like a law or something (hey, I don’t make the rules, I just follow them).  The Hitachi Magic Wand (yes, we own this too - a gift from The Perv from days gone by) is called the MLV (massively large vibrator).  It’s sometimes called the Three Minute Miracle too. I’ll let you break the code on how it got that name. There were others… a past littered with has-beens, those replaced by quieter ones, water resistant ones, and more, um, powerful ones.  The first name I remember was provided by my husband.  He kept calling it “Your plastic pal who’s fun to be with.”  That’s rather a long and cumbersome name (no pun intended).  It was shortened to Plastic Pal.

So I must name this new one, of course.  The package and the DVD both have Doctor Ruth’s picture.  I can’t help but think there should be a tie-in.  The Ruthinator?  Little Ruthie?  My husband made this awful face when I suggested those.  When he handed it to me, he said “The DOCTOR is IN.” so I’m thinking maybe this one should simply be The Doctor.  The loooooooove doctor.  OH MY GOD, this is so corny, so bad-70s-porn.  AND IT’S ALSO MY LIFE!

I’m taking the credit card away from him.  I’m donating anything that comes in plain brown paper to Catholic Charities (mostly just to see the looks on the nuns faces… I always did enjoy shocking them so).  I think I’ll have a mini-version of a garage sale called a CLOSET sale, X-rated of course.  The difference is that any who want to come (damn puns are taking over!) must first sign a non-disclosure agreement.  STOP THE RIDE, I WANT TO GET OFF! (again with the puns!).

But - I’m taking The Doctor with me.  Every woman needs good, um, medical care.  Right?

Questions for Discussion (just pretend this is an Oprah Book Club Selection):

1.  Do you have one?  Come on - admit it!!

2.  Does it have a name?  Seriously - confess right here.

3.  In order to post the answers to 1 and 2, did you make up a new name so I wouldn’t recognize you at all?

4.  Are you saying to yourself “First all the fungus and now with the vibrators.  I’m NEVER going back to that sleazy blog again.”  Are you?

5.  If I’m not around as much in the evenings, well, you’ll know why.  (Technically, that’s not a question at all, but I have this thing about numbers and I really didn’t want to end on 4 so I had to push it to 5 - forgive me.)  Oh, and lastly - if you happen to be one of my grown daughters who has somehow stumbled upon Mom’s blog?  Well, I’ll KNOW by the look in your eyes next time I see you!  Yes, you cannot lie to Mom.  I’ll see you blush and avoid eye contact and I’ll say “Aha!  You found my blog, didn’t you?” and then we’ll both get over it and I’ll hope that you learned something about proper, um, medical care.