Apr 17 2006
I was a 5-Star General on the Front Lines of the Mommy Wars
Two plus two equals four.
The square of the length of the hypotenuse equals the sum of the squares of the length of the other two sides.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Math. Nice, neat, and very exacting. There is a correct answer and things add up. None of that pesky emotional interference. Math is not influenced by situations or life experiences. There is a comfort in math; in knowing that things add up properly.
Parenting? Not so easy. There is rarely a single ‘right’ answer in parenting. Parenting is never neat and exacting like math. It’s complex and multidimensional. What the ‘experts’ told us yesterday might be the opposite of what they tell us tomorrow, or at the very least, slightly different. It is more like philosophy than math, subject to disagreement and vociferous argument.
I’ve been parenting for nearly 23 years, since well before I was mature enough to have been trusted with such a task. Over the years, I’ve gained both knowledge and experience but, paradoxically, the more I know, the more my confidence is eroded away by that knowledge. It sure was a lot easier back when I was 18 and had all the answers.
The Mommy Wars are very real and after 22 years, I’m just battle-fatigued. Oh, I’ve seen my share of action, fired my share of mortar shells and dodged more than a few bullets. I’ve stepped on a landmine here and there and, yes, I have some battle wounds.
But I’m done. I’m fleeing to the metaphorical equivalent of Canada for sanctuary. Maybe it’s because I’m old, but I’m just too fucking tired to fight anymore.
It really isn’t surprising that there is so much passion behind this war. I mean, after all, this is parenting. Who was it who said “If you bungle at raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much.” (It was Jacqueline Kennedy-Onasis. Thank you, Google! You always have the answers for me.)
We all like to think we’re doing what is best for our children, because if we’re not, well then what the hell is wrong with us and we’d better step up to the plate lest we turn out a batch of dysfunctional juvenile delinquents. Right? So when someone says their way is the best and it’s different from our way, we immediately get defensive and it erupts.
The thing is that parenting is NOT math and there is no simple calculation. Take for example the Mommy War over working or staying at home. One could argue that a working mother misses important years with her child and depends too much on an external person or organization to nurture the child during a significant portion of every day. This person’s ‘math’ might clearly show that the working mother has come to the wrong conclusion and decision. On the other hand, the working mother might contemplate the years of missing income that accompanies staying at home and wonder about how much sacrifice is being asked of the family as a whole in order for a parent to stay home. That mother may factor in things like being able to put her child through college or support herself in retirement so she is not a financial burden to her child/ren. In many cases, that mother may be thinking of survival and that alone and the ‘choice’ isn’t really a choice at all. Perhaps the other mother has been able to address those concerns through other means, or simply has deferred them. Perhaps this mother weighs the importance of those early years way more significantly than a providing a free college education to her child.
Are either of these mothers wrong, quantifiably? Or did they each simply weigh the facts, consider their situations, and arrive at a different conclusion based upon differing values and priorities?
Another Mommy War is over sleep training. Some believe that the cry-it-out method advocated by Dr. Ferber is abusive. Others feel he’s a genius. Some think it’s okay to use those methods after a certain age. Some turn to that model when the baby is young as a matter of course. Yet others turn to it only in an act of desperation.
Co-sleeping, or sleep arrangements in general, is another topic that will spark an emotional debate. We hear from experts who feel that sleep sharing is what is best for both mother and baby. We hear from other experts who voice concerns over the safety of it. On this parenting topic, as with many others, the question of the child’s developing independence is raised. If a six year old is unable to fall asleep or stay asleep on his own, have we somehow failed to help him develop a strong sense of self? Or are we merely meeting his unique needs?
Nutrition, discipline, health management (specifically, immunizations), routine infant circumcision are all subjects of vociferous debate. Everyone feels passionately that they have arrived at the right answer. It’s self-preservation, really. None of us can face that we may have gotten it wrong.
Breastfeeding, diapering, and whether little girls should wear 2-piece swimsuits – these are all debates I’ve seen passionately erupt, never with any consensus reached.
When my oldest was a baby, she would not sleep on her tummy. I was a failure because my baby wouldn’t sleep in a prone position. It was predicted she might well choke on her own spit-up and die because I couldn’t solve the problem. I let her sleep on her back, despite all the warnings from the experts. This, of course, was ahead of the Back to Sleep campaign where all the recent studies showed stomach-sleeping to be associated with SIDS. Suddenly, I was merely AHEAD OF MY TIME back in 1983. Ha!
I do have personal opinions on all of these things, and I’m certainly not shy about expressing them. I do, however, try hard to remember that parenting is a very complex art. It is not a science. We all do our best and in nearly all cases, our best IS good enough. We all make mistakes and in nearly all cases, we can pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off, and learn from them so we do better next time.
It brings to mind one of my favorite quotes. Voltaire said, “What is tolerance? It is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other’s folly – that is the first law of nature.”
Love your kids. Do your best by them. Don’t worry so much about what other people are doing or take their differences as an affront to your own decisions. Everyone is on a different point on their own path to enlightenment and some may be behind you in some areas and ahead of you in others. Live by example – let your actions be the beacon you shine into the world more-so than your words (Ironic, huh? As I sit here using nothing but words to communicate my feelings on this topic…)
