Nothing to See Here…

I’ve told you about the lice.

I’ve talked about the never ending period.

I’ve confessed the toe fungus.  I’ve lamented the UTI.

But I’m not going to talk about the hemorrhoid.  And I’m definitely not going to do a Google images search. 

I need to take my mind off of hemorrhoids things, including things like not having yet started on my taxes and not yet having bought the lace ankle socks and the floppy hats not yet having gone and seen the big white bunny for pictures and not yet gone shopping for Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs and not yet glanced disdainfully at the marshmallow peeps and thought to myself “Who are the FREAKS who buy those disgusting things?”

So to take my mind off all that, I am burying my stress in Skittles, the colorful little rainbow of colors candy pieces that I love so.  And I have some issues, some thoughts, some concerns.  Yes, these are SKITTLE issues.  I am THAT deep, full of introspective ruminations on SKITTLES.  Now you know.

First, I don’t really love the yellow or green ones. Discrimination, I know. I love the red and purple ones most. I’m neutral on orange.  I assume that it cost the exact same to make any given flavor, right? Then WHY oh why are there always so many yellows and greens? Or are those cheaper to make? Or are they just so certain that red is the popular flavor and they just want to keep us wanting more?  At the very least, it seems like there should be equal representation in every bag.  But noooooooo… I get 98% yellow and green with two red ones and a few purple and orange in the whole bunch. 

Also, I’m a sorter. I sort by color and I eat the yucky yellows and greens first (if they’re that yucky, why don’t I just throw them away? I must not hate them that much!) My sorting makes SENSE to me. Saving the best for last, all that.  I can support this habit.  I can explain it.  I can STAND BEHIND it.

But you M&M sorting people really piss me off. I mean, M&Ms all taste the same regardless of the color on the outside, so what is the POINT in sorting them? Quit trying to act like we’re partners in eccentricity. We’re NOT. I’m sorting for flavor. I can support my MOTIVE. Yours makes no sense at all. Just grab a frucking mixed up handful and EAT them, for God’s sakes.  Quit wasting time!

Lastly, and this is really just a beef with the Skittles company — how DARE you take out all my red ones and substitute “limited edition strawberry ice cream” flavor! If you want to add a limited edition, add it IN ADDTION to the regular. Or, at the very least, get rid of the stupid YELLOW ones that nobody likes anyway. WHO IS RUNNING THE SHOW OVER THERE???

See?  I hardly even thought about my hemorrhoid other problems during that whole diatribe. 

Does anyone want to start a pool on what old person ailment will afflict me next?  Gout?  Rheumatoid something or other?  Maybe I’ll need on of those big horns out of my ear to hear people and I can should “Eh?  Speak up, sonny!” real loud. 

I always wanted to grow older so I’d have accumulated wisdom, financial freedom, and all those desirable things.  But I never realized that when I get here, I’d have to try and enjoy those things with the disadvantage of a body that seems to be FALLING APART.

Not sure that I’ll be back on all weekend.  I have to do taxes and buy stuff and take the kids to see the bunny and clean under the furniture for the carpet cleaners and go to a softball game and, if I get a minute, write a strongly worded letter to the Skittles people.

Have a great holiday weekend!