Nothing to See Here…

Remember when I told you that maybe I might possibly have a toe fungus?

What?  You can’t believe I told you about such a personal thing?  Well, hell, I’ve also told you about the lice, the never-ending period, the UTI, and Lord knows WHAT else, so why should a little FUNGUS stop me?

Say it with me - Ewwwwwww….

So I’m not really SURE what it is, right?  Maybe it’s not a fungus after all.  It’s not spreading, it’s not getting better.  I’ve been slathering anti-fungal cream on a few times a day with no results.  I decide to go investigate online. 

This is the evil, bad Internet bit right here.

Don’t EVER - EVER - Google the term toe fungus.  And if you disobey me and do it anyway?  Don’t EVER go to the images tab.

Let’s just leave it at that.

Oh, who am I kidding.  I cannot possibly leave it at that.  I’m scarred for life and TERRIFIED.  What I saw today?  Those images?  I think I need therapy.

I did learn some stuff:

1.  If you Google ‘toe fungus’, the most common result has to do with toe NAILS rather than the skin itself.  Evidently, the nails can get pretty damn disgusting.  My issue, while not pleasant at all, is not a NAIL issue.  So I don’t have to put my liver at risk to take those Lamosil tablets with that scary little monster that lifts up the animated toenail on that commercial.  My toddler was obsessed with that commercial and wanted to know how he was able to lift up that person’s piggy-lid.  I had to turn my head when that commercial came on ’cause I couldn’t stand seeing the toenail being LIFTED UP, even though I knew it was a cartoon.  OK, so enough on this topic.  I don’t have a toe NAIL fungus.

2.  Athlete’s foot generally forms BETWEEN the toes and places that stay warm and moist.  But - and here is some EWWWW for you - it spreads easily and quickly and people can have it all over their bodies, but generally in the genital and armpit area!!!  Oh. My. God.  Just amputate my toe RIGHT NOW.  Oh, by the way, I did read a few toe-amputation stories.  Anyway, this thing hasn’t spread at all.  Not one bit.  It’s a tiny little patch at the skin that borders my toenail.  Does that mean it’s not Athlete’s Foot?

3.  I really really REALLY hope no one at my company monitors my internet logs.  I don’t worry so much about them learning and knowing about the hours I spend blogging, blog reading, and message boarding, but the 20 minutes spent researching toe fungus is embarrassing as hell and I really would rather not get busted for THAT.  (Don’t you love how I’m too embarrassed to have my IT group know, but here I sit telling the whole flipping internet?)

4.  I really want this problem solved before I go to the beach next month.  Also before I have any genital or underarm fungus issues.  So I’m going to the doctor over it.  But I kinda don’t want my doctor to see it either.  I wonder if I could just describe it via email and he would be willing to help?  Probably not?  My doctor is named Larry King.  No shit.

I did learn some natural remedies today.  Grapefruit seed extract (which I have at home, see, ’cause that was suppose to get rid of the lice) and tea tree extract or maybe it was tree tea extract or trea tee extract or who the fuck cares, something like that.

I’m starting to think the best remedy is close-toed shoes with thick cotton socks.  Or changing my vacation plans to some year-round ski resort.  Or maybe joining a convent. 

Are nuns allowed to blog?

Are people with only 9 toes less coordinated than people with all 10?

Are you going to leave here to go Google toe fungus and look at the images?  Uh-huh, that’s what I thought.  Ewwwwwww….