Mar 07 2006
Now where did I leave off?
A lot of bloggers do this “100 things about me” business, right? You’ve seen them? Often times they are in the about me section of the person’s blog. If you know anything about me, you’ll know this:
1. I cannot say anything in 20 words or less (each of my 100 things ends up as a paragraph)
2. I don’t have a long enough attention span to commit to 100 things at once
3. I’m now over 40 and it’s very difficult to remember so many things at once so I have to do this in waves
If you’ve been following my erratic rambling, you might have read the first edition (called The Dirty Dozen) or maybe the second installment or possibly the third or perhaps even the fourth. OK, so there we go- now we know were I left off.
This is the 5th Installment of the Stupid Stuff about Linda. There is still plenty of time to hit the back button if you want to escape. I probably didn’t even see you peek in. Go, go!!! Hurry!
You’re still here? The truth is I might be running out of things. I’m really not all that interesting, to be honest. But let’s give it a go, shall we?
~ I work in corporate America. Whenever I’m alone in a conference room with a white board that has a complex diagram and “DO NOT ERASE” written on it, the 3rd grade boy in me just pushes his way out. I can’t help it. (Fortunately, the bossy 6th grade girl tells him “STOP BEING SO IMMATURE, you big brat!” and he’s scared of her so he usually doesn’t erase anything, but he can’t HELP but to think about it.)
~ One of the most astounding realizations that I’ve come to since I’ve started blogging last summer is this: there are a lot of constipated people out there who blog and they all seem to enjoy sharing their stories with us. I, personally, do not get constipated but (and this might be a little too much information) the sure fire way to get things moving is for me to climb into bed at night and chat with my husband. Usually once I do that? Five minutes tops and I’m going to, you know, drop the kids off at the pool. Even when I’m out of town on business, all I have to do is climb into the hotel bed and call him on the phone. Five minutes later, I have to put him on hold. Conversation with my husband… my personal alternative to high colonics. Very cleansing.
~ When I shower, I shampoo and rinse but I do NOT repeat. Ever. I’m sorry but those damn shampoo people just cannot boss me around like that.
~ A few months ago, I had too many Outlook windows open at once and I thought I was typing in a window to a person on my staff (and I was pissed off and reprimanding him on something) but the moment I hit SEND I realized I had added this personal reprimand to an email that went to about 6 people, including the SVP and Regional Head of Data Center Operations and the Global Head of Real Estate and Facilities Management. I did an immediate recall in Outlook but that moment of PANIC was enough to take about 7 years off my life. It was awful. Don’t EVER do that, okay??
~ If I see you throwing trash on the ground or out your car window, I will yell at you in such a way that any offspring of mine who are present will be completely humiliated and vow that they will never leave the house or be seen in public with me again.
~ I love the movies The Princess Bride, Office Space, Raising Arizona, and Grosse Point Blank. If you don’t love those movies too, I’m not sure we can be friends.
~ I might have to add John Cusack to my ‘guys I would cheat on my husband with’. Also, Captain Jack Sparrow would be on that list. As well as Tristan from Legends of the Fall. Oh, oh - and Legolas. Yes, Martin Blank, Jack Sparrow, Tristan, and Legolas. Those are the guys on my list. And if I had to pick a chick, it would definitely be Gwen Stefani.
~ My favorite food is lobster. I love lobster. Even better if it’s accompanied by some of those incredible cheddar bay biscuits!
~ My favorite drink is the pina colada. But I don’t care for getting caught in the rain at all.
~ Once when I was on vacation, I let my daughter, Katie, taste my pina colada. She was 7. I told her sister, Amber, that she could taste it too if she wanted. Amber was 5. When the waitress came back to our table, Amber told her “My mom is trying to make me drink alcohol!” What a little snitch.
~ All my life I’ve wanted to be a writer. When I was a kid, I would read Erma Bombeck’s column in the weekend paper and crack up at her awesome sense of humor. The older I get, the more I doubt I’ll ever be able to pull it off. Though I rarely lack confidence, I’m just not sure I have what it takes to do it. Mostly, I think successful writers put a lot of effort and perseverance behind their writing and I simply don’t have the time or the energy to do that. But I still toy with the idea of writing my book, my novel, someday.
~ Our dog is a toy poodle. Her AKC name is Crouching Cricket Leaping Poodle but we just call her Cricket. We got her when that Chow Yun-Fat movie about tigers and dragons was hot (and I would totally add him to my list too… Jack Sparrow, Legolas, Tristan, Martin Blank, and the Anna and the King character played by Chow Yun-Fat.)
~ I love musicals. I know several of them inside and out… The Sound of Music, West Side Story, Oklahoma, Grease, and many more. Go ahead. Make fun of me now - just get it out of the way so we can continue on. Are you done yet? Okay, good.
~ The first time my parents went out of town and left us kids home alone, I was a junior in high school. My brother was a sophomore in a different (all boys) high school. It was the weekend closest to Halloween. My brother and I decided to have a party. Ends up, everybody in both of our schools were looking for a good party to go to and ended up at our house. HUNDREDS of people. Over the course of the evening, the police came three times. There were fights out front. Someone tried to walk out of the house with the half-barrel of beer. The banister was pulled off the stairs leading up to the 2nd floor. The hardwood floors were damaged to such an extent that I feared for my life. My brother and I were painting walls at 5AM on Sunday morning under some naive belief that we could somehow cover it up. The neighbors for many blocks in both directions ratted us out. My brother and I were grounded for LIFE, but we were also sort of LEGENDS in our respective schools.
~ I never had another party after that once I realized how casually people would disregard the value of another person’s property and possessions. It was truly a wake-up call for me.
~ I do occasionally have parties now, but it pisses me off that I do all this cleaning BEFORE the party when it’s just going to be a mess and need to be cleaned AFTER. Why don’t we just clean it once after and skip the before? If someone would put me in charge, I would make that a law.
~ Since 1992, I have slept on the right side of the bed. We just rearranged our furniture and moved the bed to the opposite wall. We now have a conflict. I want to sleep on the right, where I’ve always slept. My husband wants to sleep on the door side, where he’s always slept (so he can protect me, right?) So he gets his way and stays on the door side but that means I have to get used to sleeping on the left. It’s all wrong!! The sleeping is bad enough but it’s got me all discombobulated around, um, close encounters, too. I’m not sure if I can adjust!!
~ When I’m traveling on business and in a hotel, I sleep diagonally!
~ I’ve never actually verified this, but I *think* that if I allowed myself to do it, I could put away a whole dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts. It’s been months and months since I’ve had even one. Right now, this moment, I think I’d give one of my kidneys in exchange for a few Krispy Kremes. Frucking Weight Watchers people. Why can’t doughnuts be on the stupid CORE plan, huh?
~ I have to admit that as a liberated mature female, I’m somewhat intrigued by Gene Simmons tongue. Is that guy a freak or what? But seriously, THAT TONGUE. Is that for real? Do they do tongue-implants? Could he possibly have been naturally, um, endowed with that? Are there OTHERS like him? Do any of them look like Captain Jack Sparrow or Legolas???
