Mar 03 2006
For a fraction of a second, I was a grandma!
My oldest daughter, Katie, is nearly 23. She lives in town after spending 4 years away at school and leaving school before she had enough credits for her degree. She’s working two waitressing jobs (which is probably the same as if she HAD gotten the degree) and sharing a condo, rented, with a friend.
She called me at work today.
“Mom? Are you guys going to be home tonight?” she said.
“Yes, of course.” I replied. I was immediately suspicious. She needed something - to borrow money, to steal toilet paper and q-tips when I wasn’t looking, to hide out from the mob. Something. I asked “What’s up?”
“Oh, I just wanted to visit the girls.” Her sisters, she means. They’re still young and I suppose they are cute to someone who doesn’t live with them. But I know Katie and I figured the sister-act was just to butter me up. She had yet to move in for the kill.
I stayed silent. Let her make the next move, right?
“Plus,” she said “I need to borrow your baby-names book.”
{faint} There it was. Yep, this was it. The phone call every mother awaits. She’s knocked up. She’s single and broke and degree-less and PREGNANT. Do you think she’ll let me name the baby Hazel?
“Mom!” I hear her shout. “It’s NOT ME.”
Whew. I pick myself up off the floor. “You’re lucky to be out of arm’s reach right now ’cause I really want to smack you upside the head.”
Her best friend is pregnant. My baby’s friend is having a baby.
But it just as easily could have been her. She knows how babies are made. She LIKES babies. She comes from a mother who traveled down that very Baby Road at a young, young age. By the time I was Katie’s age, I had a 2 and a 4 year old.
I COULD BE MADE INTO A GRANDMOTHER AT ANY FUCKING MINUTE. As that thought seeped into my head, I think my brain was deprived of oxygen for 2 whole minutes. It could happen.
I’m not sure I’d be all the upset, to be honest. A baby! And one I didn’t even have to push out of my own vagina! How exciting! Can grandmothers get 8 weeks of paid maternity leave? Probably not. That would be the main drawback to the plan, I think.
People! INTERNET– are you listening? Before too long, I *could* become a grandma. Are grandmothers allowed to say the f-word and own vibrators and stuff? Do I have to start making POT ROASTS and inviting people who don’t live in my house over for dinner? Should I start eating BRAN? Of course, it’s true that I do now have the bifocals so maybe I’m well on my way.
I think I have to go knit something.
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