Nothing to See Here…

I think it’s only fair that I be honest with you people. If you’re going to be visiting me, it’s really important for you to know this stuff, just in case you ever come to my house or you ever ask me to send you anything or maybe send home some leftovers in your best Tupperware.

I suck.

I’ve written before about my procrastination issues. Let me make things really clear here:

1. Jadyn turned 4 last month. The birthday party was January 20th and yet the crepe paper still is streaming all over my dining room. It’s rather festive and pretty, so I might leave it there for awhile more. If I can hold out until May, I can use the same decorations for Raena’s 2nd birthday. I think July would be stretching it, and maybe at age 10, Sarah won’t want Cinderella crepe paper, ya think?

2. The license plates on my minivan expired in November of ‘05. There is a good chance I won’t get around to renewing them until I get my first ticket. The reason I always procrastinate on this is that it requires a treasure hunt of paperwork before you can complete the task. There are few things I despise as much as license place renewal. Each year, I walk in there all confident that I have everything I need. I wait in line for 45 minutes and that bitch behind the counter - she KNOWS she will find something missing; it’s her JOB to find something missing. They just can’t allow someone to renew on their first visit. So it turns into some bad Showdown at the OK Corral or something. Twitchy trigger fingers, me with my emissions slip, my proof of insurance, my inspection certificate. Her, with her heavy she-beard and her big silver REJECT stamper in her hand, she gleefully laughs and says “You don’t have your paid personal property tax receipt.”{REJECT} and then she looks past me like I’m invisible and says “NEXT!” The bitch.

3. We moved into this house in May of 2002 and there are still boxes in my closet that are yet to be unpacked. When I was on maternity leave during the summer of ‘04, I unpacked a couple of them. Do you suppose I have to push another baby out of my down-there in order to get time enough to unpack the other few? (And don’t be a smart-ass and tell me if I quit blogging I’d have plenty of times… nobody likes smartassedness when it’s aimed directly at them! ha!)

4. My husband and I took a long weekend getaway back in July and we’ve not fully unpacked from that. It’s the duffel bag full of naughty sex stuff (Did I tell you that my husband was the Biggest Pervert in the World? All I’m saying is don’t go to the hardware store with him, and if you do then don’t believe him when he pretends to be interested in stuff for home improvement projects… he’s never improved a single thing about the home but can find a sexual use for pretty much anything in Home Depot. Let’s just say the unpacked bag in my bedroom - which is locked - is very, very heavy.)

5. If you look very closely at the rear driver’s side window on my minivan, you’ll see that there are still some remnants of where the dealer sale sticker once was. While I did take that page off, I never came back around with a little razor scraper thing to get the sticky bits off. I told my husband that for Valentine’s Day, I can’t imagine anything more romantic than having the van cleaned and detailed. I drove it today in all its expired-plate glory and there were still lots of french fries, so I don’t think Cupid heard me. Maybe for Mother’s Day.

6. The good silver - real silver, passed down from my husband’s family for generations (well, honestly, it’s only been passed for GENERATION, singular) - has not been seen since we moved into this house 2002. Neither have the baby books for my 2 oldest daughters. I’m absolutely positive those items are all in this house somewhere (maybe in my closet? probably in the basement) but I just have no idea where. And I’m really glad no one in his family is Internet savvy or reads my blog, ’cause I don’t have the balls to tell them I lost their silver. Oh, and my wedding pictures, too. I know all this stuff is in the same box. Somewhere. Maybe Cupid will find me that box for Valentine’s Day. Or Mother’s Day. Or something.

7. Two weeks ago, I dropped a package off at The UPS Store to be packaged up but not shipped (Since their international shipping rates are freaking highway ROBBERY - they wanted more than $300.00! To ship to the Netherlands! And the package itself was worth $20.00! And weighed like 5 pounds! And I’m too freaking cheap to pay that much so I was just going to have them package it and then take it to the post office! Why am I putting an exclamation mark at the end of every sentence!) and I haven’t been back to get the package. When I left it with him, I told him I’d be back in 30 minutes. I forgot.

8. There is a roof shingle in my yard. It blew off the roof last week. Not only have I not called anyone to come look at the roof, but I’ve not even picked the shingle up out of the yard. I know it must be driving my uptight next door neighbor crazy so I think I’ll leave it there a little longer. This one is less about my laziness and procrastination than it is about the joy I take from persecuting Mister Stick Up His Ass. I don’t like my neighbor on that side very much.

9. Last week, I submitted an expense report for my last 4 business trips. I had to pay American Express out of pocket because I was literally minutes away from having my card privileges revoked (while I was in NY on a trip!). The sad part is that our national contract with AmEx falls under my domain at work, so I had the dubious honor of receiving the past-due delinquency report they send every month and seeing my own name on it.

10. Please don’t bring up the subject of the birthday blowjob with my husband. And don’t ask me when his birthday was. Nothing good can come from connecting the dots on this one. Let’s just say that I’m in a little behind on birthday blowjobs and the last time I was caught up was, um, maybe sometime in the late 90s.

So, see? Don’t loan me your Tupperware. Don’t ask me to send you anything that has to be there right away. Don’t wait for quick email replies from me (I’m pretty bad in email, but I have the BEST of intentions!) Don’t get mad when you have to chase me for an RSVP (I’m REALLY working on that one, ’cause I know how badly it annoys people).

Someday, I’ll invite you over. We’ll eat with the good silver and we’ll flip through the baby books of my oldest daughters. There’ll probably be enough room to have this little tete-a-tete in my walk-in closet, it’ll be so clean and empty.

Until then, be patient with me. And if you do have to dog me, try not to leave a public record of it. That is so last weekend. {wink}

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