Feb 11 2006
How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?
Once, I asked my dad what he would have done differently raising us if he had a chance to do it again. He told me “I wouldn’t have battled you on the food issues.” The experts agree with him - do not engage in a power struggle over food with your child, they say. I think my dad learned the first reason why - you will not win. More importantly, the experts tell us, it creates a situation where food is given too much power.
As mothers, and especially as mothers of girls, we all worry about this. As a mother of five girls, I worry about it five times more than you (just kidding). I do worry about it a LOT. Previously, my worry was somewhat theoretical. My three oldest were all skinny-minnies and while they may have sometimes eaten poorly, I always knew they would outgrow it. And they all did. All three of them (ages 9, 20, and 22) are good eaters… they like veggies and salads and a variety of things. Heck, my Sarah started loving sushi when she was not yet 3.
My beautiful little Jadie-Beth, though, didn’t get the same genetic good fortune. She’s a big girl, off the charts at the doctors office. At age 4 (just turned), she is 52 pounds. She is an active little girl - goes to preschool full time. It’s a very active school with five playgrounds and an indoor activity center located in the school gymnasium called the Action Room. On weekends, we keep pretty busy, too.
A few months ago, to my horror, I witnessed another little girl call my daughter, my baby, fat. I was picking her up early from school, having sneaked out of work early. She had just woken from her nap and so I took her to the little girl’s bathroom to go potty. I waited outside the room, but the doors are kept open so teachers can supervise both boys and girls from the hallway. There was another group of girls from a different classroom going potty too. My Jadie must not have closed the stall door and I heard this little girl say “You’re FAT.”
I walked in then, blood rushing to my head. Jadie sat on the toilet with her pants around her ankles looking down at the floor. She wouldn’t look up. I wanted to shake this other child, but instead I said “That’s not a very nice thing to say at all. That sort of thing hurts people’s feelings.” I helped Jadie finish up and we left. I cried in the car.
I have known Jadyn was a big girl for awhile. She comes by it honestly - her mother (hi!) is a big girl, too. I remember the teasing well. It began when I was 5. We also, Jadie and I, have another thing in common - our siblings were/are all thin. I just wanted to fold her in my arms and take her away where no one could ever hurt her again.
There is quite a paradox here. For any of us who struggle with weight, we have two quite contradictory goals. First, we need to accept and love ourselves. Second, we need to change ourselves. Acceptance should mean “I’m fine like I am.” which is contrary to needing to change. The requirement to change means “I’m NOT fine like I am.” It’s an impossible balance. How does an overweight person feel valuable and worthwhile at the same time telling herself she must change?
Oh, Internet… I’ve thought these thoughts for a lifetime and you know what - fuck what I said in my last post - if I had a wish? If I had a fairy godmother giving me a fucking wish? I would save my baby from going through all the bullshit I have gone through in my life with these weight and body image issues. I would magically give her a fast metabolism, a love for broccoli, and a healthy obsession with exercise and somehow this would work to eliminate the years of pain and suffering over being the fat kid, the fat adult.
But I can’t do that, no matter how hard I wish. So what now?
Jadie is an active child, but her eating habits leave something to be desired. She’s a pretty typical four year old, but she went on New Food Lock-Down somewhere around the age of TWO. She won’t try new stuff and she really turns her nose up at so many things.
I don’t believe exercise is the issue, and I don’t think portion size (how MUCH she eats) is the issue.
I fully believe the issue is WHAT she eats.
Now, she’s four and as such, she does not have a driver’s license or a car. And quite frankly, even if she did, I doubt she could get insurance because, well, the temper tantrums would put her in a high risk category and she doesn’t have a JOB to pay those sorts of rates. The fact that she doesn’t SHOP FOR and BUY the ‘wrong stuff’ sort of puts the blame squarely on (looking around, nope, can’t find a single other person to blame) MY shoulders.
Tonight, we had roast chicken, potatoes, fruit, veggies, and rolls. She ate a roll. And a few bites of potatoes. This is typical. She had grilled cheese and applesauce for lunch and waffles for breakfast. Do you see a sign of a veggie anywhere in there? Heck, today she didn’t even have much in the way of fruit.
I’ve been parenting for 22 years and I’ve not played the power-struggle-over-food game with my kids. But I’m now entertaining the idea. I have to put some system in place to encourage (force, bribe, reward) her for trying new things and eating the ‘right‘ things. I also, perhaps, need to quit providing the wrong things. I mean, surely rolls at dinner aren’t horrible awful “quick, call Child Services!” sorts of transgressions, but maybe I need to eliminate them altogether. For Jadie.
Is that unfair to the others in the family who don’t have issues here?
If I tie in the evening snack to a successful dinner experience, will I find her suddenly stashing away mashed potatoes under her mattress or, even worse, eating only celery and paper products as the weight falls off her adorable cherubic little body? Will putting FOCUS on the food create those problems I wish to avoid, even while not focusing on them may create a different set of problems I wish to avoid?
If there is one way I’ll screw up my kids (and let’s be honest, I’m sure there are DOZENS of ways I have and will screw them up) it’s this food deal and it scares me the most. I don’t know how to walk this tight rope. I don’t know how to make her eat healthy and maintain a healthy weight without somehow giving the message that she’s not good enough JUST LIKE SHE IS. ‘Cause, Internet, she IS good enough.
But I don’t want the mean girls in the bathroom to call her names.
She’s my baby.
How can I do this without messing it all up? Help me, Internet. I don’t know the answers.
Oh, I am so sorry she (and you) are going through this. I wish I had answers, I don’t. I do have a 3 year old, and, goodness knows, getting them to eat is tough enough without all the other factors you have.
This may be one of those one day at a time things.
I was also that kid - the youngest of the 5 girls in our family of 10 kids, and the only one who got a metabolism that seems to run on diesel while the others are on rocket fuel. I struggle with it to this day, but the strongest memory I have is of my mom constantly fussing at me about my weight. First, it was to get me to finish my plate.. .then it was that I was eating too MUCH, and finally (as a teenager) when I started a very healthy exercise and diet lifestyle, it was obsession that I was “too thin” even though she knew that I was not engaging in any harmful behaviors.
I think there is no easy answer here. In may case, I think that just providing me with healthier options and not making a big deal about it all the time would have helped tremendously. In my adult life, because she obsessed about it constantly up to now, I have now assumed the obsession. It’s a constant struggle, and most of the time if I’m not eating I am THINKING about eating. I wish I could just delete the whole “Food” section from my brain, and be reintroduced to only healthy foods.
The only other thing I can say is that.. well, removing an unnecessary item like rolls from the menu may not totally thrill the other kids, it certainly won’t hurt them either. Thin or not, healthy or not, it never hurts to eat healthier than today.
JustLinda,
I LOVE your blog. I am usually a lurker, but this issue was too close to my heart. These things are difficult and I don’t think there is one right answer for everyone because no two people have the exact same situation. But here are my thoughts. I hope it helps.
My youngest (age 6) had to go on a low salt diet because of a kidney problem for a short time. (I know - it’s different.) We found it easiest for the whole family to try to follow the diet. The older ones complained, but not too loudly. They knew it was important. The youngest didn’t feel punished or singled out as much. We didn’t force it everytime, just tried to balance the diet everyday and give her some control by giving her choices. We still had fights and tears (she LOVES chips) but as time went on it got easier. Like busy mom said - one day at a time, one meal/snack at a time.
The teasing breaks my heart. How do you raise your kids to handle it? What is the right way to react when someone is rude to you and hurts your feelings? I’d love to tell my kids that when they are adults it will be different, but I know that’s not true. Prejudice is there everyday. Hurtful things happen to good people everyday. And it hurts worse when it happens to your kid.
I remember when I was 10 a girl in my class was being mean, and I was contemplating how to handle it. My mom said, “She is not your moral compass.” I couldn’t stop the other kid but that didn’t mean that she controlled me or my actions/reactions. It still hurt to be teased but I remember feeling more control of the situation and myself. I often repeat that to myself today.
It’s difficult stuff. Lots of right things, and lots of wrong things!
I am looking forward to your next blog and all the great advice!
if she loves muffins blend in veggies with out her seeing it and cook them in it.. i have a power struggle with my son every day is mac and cheese or peanut butter. the doc says no struggle and hes a touch chunky now. but active. she says its a phase all kids go through.. and kids know it so food is thier weapon..which dont help me …..tonya
Oh Linda, I hear you. I am trying so hard not to pass on my food issues to my 4 year old..It’s hard. Especially as she’s just started with the “I’m hungry” right after she’s eaten.
I wish I had the answers. I just try to make sure for lunch she has veggies along with whatever else she’s eating (she’s in preschool all day too). Eventually some of the veggies will hopefully make inside her. And we try to stay busy on the weekends too (Swim lessons, playing outside).
I try to keep reminding myself to provide her with healthy choices, and that she won’t starve if she misses a meal or two.
I agree with you, the food fight is just not worth it. I was fat (still am!) and I don’t want that for my kids. Girl Terror somehow found a skinny gene, and at 3 she’s tall and thin. Boy Terror is fat. The kid is 20 months and weighs 35 pounds!
Anyway. The best I’ve found is to offer a lot of variety, but of only “good” stuff. For example, lunch at our house is usually a plate of cheese cubes, raw carrots, cucumbers, and green peppers, with some lean turkey or chicken sandwich meat. If they don’t eat what’s on the plate, they go hungry. Eventually, they eat. Trust me. Don’t make a big deal about it, don’t force her to eat anything, and don’t reward her (snack) for eating supper. Just offer only the best.
Sorry, just thought of more. A friend of mine has had food control issues with her child his entire life. She made it an issue, he took up the challenge. He’s 15 now, and eats only noodles with butter, milk, etc. He gets her running circles trying to please him. Behind her back, he’s eating just about everything. But this is his way to control mom.
I struggle alot with this too. The biggest problem is dessert. You are not supposed to FORCE children to eat, but I’ll be darned if I am going to let them have a cookie if they have left half their dinner on their plate. When one has one spoonful and then starts moaning about dessert, I tell him if he is still hungry, he can have some more dinner. I don’t force them to eat, I just present the options. So generally he has one more spoonful… and then resumes moaning about dessert. And I repeat the same thing… again and again and again. And I generally end up feeling like they are forcing themselves to eat… just because they have their eye on the prize… dessert. And believe me, there are plenty of of days when we simply say “we are not serving dessert tonight”. Somehow it all feels like a power struggle, no matter how much we try to phrase it so it is not. The parents are in possession of the dessert… the children are not… how shall the child manipulate the parent to get the dessert? Eat more! Eating more is good! Even if I don’t want it and am not hungry! But what is a parent supposed to do? Let them have the cookie after one bite of dinner? There is no power struggle certainly, but it’s not teaching them anything about proper eating habits and it is not giving them proper nutrition and it is not helping their waistlines. We put vegetables on our children’s plates every night, and some nights they eat them and some nights they don’t, but we try to let them know we EXPECT them to eat them without FORCING them to eat them. Our seven year old actually requested broccoli as part of his birthday dinner. He voluntarily eats and likes some vegetables. We are waiting for the same strategy to work its magic on the four year old. But most nights it still feels like a power struggle. I hold my breath when I put dinner on the table, anticipating the struggle and wondering how many complaints I am going to have to deflect. And trying to be cheery about it all. Bletch.
I’m with averagemom, 4 kids later and they all have pretty good eating habits. They’re eat what they’re offered or they don’t eat. They may pretend they’re Ghandi for a while and simply go without but it won’t last long - at ALL.
And for what it’s worth, with all the love and respect in my heart - rolls and potatoes at the same meal is too much starch/carbs.
Oh my, I just signed in to say pretty much the same as the above poster. If she often goes for rolls (or pasta or something else high carb and quickly converted to sugar) then leave that off the menu. Rolls and potatoes at the same meal in a situation where you are trying to encourage healthier eating is just not a great idea.
Honestly, the way it works is: YOU decide what she eats (or is offered) and she decides how much. If she decides none for now, then later shes hungrier and she may appreciate what IS on offer (no white rubbish carbs please - said with greatest respect and heartfelt good intent!). Best to
you, and your darling girl.
Have read some of the above now. Just want to reiterate what averagemom said: Just offer only the best. She will get it. We’re programmed to thrive best on GOOD food.
*hugs* (I hurt for you when I read that post.)
I got nuthin’ for ya hun.
I battle with my six year old but she does love most of her veggies. She does however go in spurts. During the winter months she is not a meat eater. In the summer, no veggies, more meat.
When my 14 year old step daughter came to live with us two years ago, the poor girl was rail thin, and wouldn’t touch a veggi to save her life. She bitched and moaned and hated this and hated that and didn’t like potatos and didn’t like meat. She had grown up on frozen pizza, peanut butter and buttered spaghetti. I was not about to cook twice and finally had to take the hard line: eat what we eat or go hungry. It only took a coupld days and she was picking around. Eventually, she began to eat and even liked some foods.
She still refuses potatos, artichokes, bacon and sausage. But she’ll eat the rest. Like the others have said, one day at a time. Good luck.
Sorry Linda, no sage advice from me since I’m not a daddy. But I am “one of those” boys who battled with my mother over food. Her deal was that I had to eat everything on the plate no matter what. I couln’t leave the table until I did. Several nights I fell asleep at the table because I wouldn’t eat okra, spinach or liver… and when you grow up in the south okra is on the menu A LOT.
When I left my childhood and entered my adultryhood (pun intended) I only ate what I wanted, when I wanted it. Now that I am in my 40’s I am paying for it with about 25 lbs to much hanging over my belt.
What should my mom have done differently? I don’t know for sure but forcing me to eat shit I didn’t like “on principle” was not the answer. Why couldn’t she have substutited carrots or peas for okra? I love that stuff…
Linda,
Oh, I just want to go to that little girls mother and punch her in the face for saying such a mean thing! The last thing the world needs is another little girl with a skinny/fat complex.
Just a couple ideas…only because my aunt is going through this with my cousin…watch what she eats for about a week and identify just how much of it is carbs. So many kids live on cereal, bagels, yogurt, pizza, and loads of carbed up foods.
Also, let her help you prepare the meal. Maybe by letting her help and be “the chef” she will be more apt to try new things just to see how they are prepared. Just a suggestion.
My sister, who is 9 years younger than me, was a little chubby from the ages of 9-14. All of her siblings are skinny too, as well as all of her friends. My mom agonized over whether to “motivate” my sister about her weight or if this would give her a complex. At 14, my sister’s baby fat had melted away to reveal a thin, fit, and lithe body. Throughout her childhood my sister ate pretty healthily, though we definitely were allowed treats pretty frequently. She didn’t have a problem with vegetables, but still didn’t shed any pounds throughout her adolescence.
Point being, it actually may not be what Jadyn is eating that is affecting her weight so much. It could very well just be a phase.
The other thing that my mom did is encourage my sister to be involved in sports. She is now a blackbelt in Tae Kwon Do, and a super soccer goalie. I remember starting soccer at age 7, and not really liking it, so I quit. I wish my parents had encouraged me to find a sport that I liked instead of allowing me to quit. I didn’t take up athletics again until college. And having friends on the team really helps with retention.
Another piece of advice, that I hope is not assvice (then again, you did ask the internet): do not allow fashion magazones like Cosmo or Glamour or Marie Claire in the house. They are so destructive. They would probably have more of an impact on your older ones than Jadyn, but just the images themselves can be powerful. Surround her instead with images/stories of strong women of a variety of body types, and then her self-worth may not be so tied into her weight. That can be an unfortunate side effect of living in today’s appearance-obsessed culture.
I would agree with the basic census.. just feed healthy food to everyone. The whole family is eating heatlier and don’t even mention that its because of or for Jadie. If they don’t eat what they get served than to bad. They won’t kill themselves. My mom never even bothered with desert, so we never had the issue with force feeding for desert or anything like that. We were neglected kids I tell you! We also wasn’t allowed to put sugar on or cearel.
Thank you, Ninnernet! (that’s what Jadie used to call the Internet… ‘Mommy, can I go to one of my dot coms when you’re done working on the ninnernet?” - she’s awfully damn cute, I tell ya!)
We have made several positive changes. We completely eliminated sugared cereals a couple years ago. KIX is about as sweet as it gets. We only buy whole wheat bread. We rarely have dessert, and when we do it’s usually sugar-free Jello or pudding (my beloved husband is a diabetic). We don’t buy soda or juice - never really have evah evah).
My downfall is the ‘meals of convenience’. Yes, Chef Boyardee cooks for me some nights and we do visit the Golden Arches and places like that, that sort of stuff (which, yes, the fast food thing needs to be the FIRST to go, I know).
So thanks for the advice - I do agree with all of it and we’re trying to walk that tightrope of both changing our lifestyles to be healthier AND making sure we value and love our children for WHO they are, no matter what shape that takes. I can say, personally, that my mother never EVER made me feel ‘fat’ as a child, or different, or in need of ’special rules’. For that, I’m grateful (even while I still struggle with my weight and bad habits to this day).
As for the magazines like Cosmo and Glamour - they do not have a place in my home. Don’t even get me started on the media and its portrayal of women. Hell, I get mad when the Lane Bryant ads come and even THEY use women who are surely size 9 at the most.
It’s so hard… this area, weight and food and self-image and media and the right BALANCE - it’s just so fucking hard.
Appreciate all the input. Keep it coming….
Kids are so mean… I’m so sorry. I would have cried too!
Little assholes
I know it’s been a while since this post but after reading this is sort of always on my mind. How are things progressing? Any weight being lost yet? Has she started to eat other things yet?
We went through something a couple of weeks ago that isn’t quite like what you have, but it’s similar.
My daughter (contrary to my wishes/requests/demands (escalated as time went by)) drank nothing but fruit juice. The only time I ever got a say was when it became a requirement that her juice be cut in half with water.
For the longest time I knew that it wasn’t good. After finally getting on the internet and researching I found overwhelming research about the bad effects of fruit juice on children. After demanding yet again I finally got my wish.
That weekend was hell though. We had to get through her withdrawals. It was bad, but my method was called the “starvation” method… “If you don’t drink it, you’ll starve.”
Eventually we figured out that it wasn’t so much the water as compared to the juice, but more of the glass she drank out of. Once we bought her a child-sized water bottle she started drinking more water.
Then she got sick so we gave her SOME juice (very very little) just to get her to drink something. My stupid redneck mother-in-law took this as an invitation to give her juice again… so now it’s back to nothing but juice.
*sigh* We’ll go through the withdrawals again sometime soon.
[…] Because? She is a chubby little kid. My gut tells me that it’s probably mostly genetic, but we’ve been on a campaign since January to improve things at home… healthier eating, more activity. I will do my best to help Jadie avoid the rocky path a fat kid must travel through life. I know about that path because I traveled it myself. It’s fraught with hurt and insecurity and anger. I want to help her avoid that. The girl is blissfully unaware of her chubbiness even though she has already been called fat by her peers at school. […]
I don’t have an answer, but I’ll tell you what I hope to eventually be able to do with my son (who won’t eat anything other than carbs):
Someday I will institute the rule that he has to eat at least one bite of each food before he can leave the table.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to force kids to eat everything on their plate, because that can cause issues like eating when not actually hungry, or always over-eating. But just one bite of each food should be OK.
And, you know, they say that sometimes it can take up to 15 times of trying a food before people will accept it into their repertoire of tastes. It took my daughter seemingly FOREVER to finally accept that bananas are actually yummy! So, I hope that just plugging away at it, one bite at a time, we will end up with some good results.
And when I’m ever able to ACTUALLY make my 3-year-old son try a bite of asparagus, I’ll let you know… *sigh*