Nothing to See Here…

I’m in New York again this week. Big work hooha going down tomorrow; meetings, meetings, and more meetings. Team building rah rah. Me, pretending to be all corporate business-like and Very Serious. Anything to earn the bonus, right?

Our offices are in the Times Square area. Are you familiar with Times Square? Maybe one day in the past, it was this cool, unique kind of happening place. Nowadays? It’s the Urban Anywhere, USA… Applebee’s, Coldstone Creamery, Olive Garden, Sbarro’s. Like anyone needs to come here to go to such places when they probably have them right down the block at home.

But the Red Lobster, ah, the Red Lobster. Oh, sure, it’s a national chain, like all the others. It is, however, very different. Why? Because none of those other places have the cheddar bay biscuits. These are the finest configuration of flour and various baking confections there could be. Supreme, sublime, superb.

People tell me all the time “Why in the world would you go to Red Lobster when there are so many really great seafood places around?” First - can I remind you all where I’m from? St-fucking-Louis. Possibly, the single point that is the furthest from any ocean as one can get. Oh, sure - plenty of Mississippi catfish, but that flavor of sushi does not appeal to me at all. I’m landlocked, where seafood is concerned. I gotta take what I can get.

To be honest, though, my affinity for Red Lobster has little or nothing to do with the seafood. There are two draws: the cheddar bay biscuits, of course, and the Alotta Colada. Yes, a giant, frozen Pina Colada with a side-car of rum and a little plastic sword of fruit riding the rim. Life is good.

My colleagues up here - the native New Yorkers - tease me about my love of Red Lobster. “Linda!” they say. “You’re in New York City! There are so many restaurants here that one could eat out three times per day for ten years and never go to the same place twice!” And yet I still patronize the Lobster. I’ve even taken some UK colleagues there once (they appreciated the genius of the biscuit).

I don’t always eat at chain restaurants. When I travel on leisure, I like trying to find places that are unique, that represent the local culture and tastes. My husband and I try to find out of the way, little-known places. But when I travel on business? Sometimes I just want to know that I can get a regular fucking garden salad without trying to decipher what the hell appears to be offered on a menu that struggles too hard to be unique. Sometimes, I just want to get exactly what I expect.

If you ask me (let’s pretend you did, shall we?), too damn many people are trying too damn hard to be hip and cool in their counter-culture eliteness. There is even a book out there called Red Lobster, White Trash, and the Blue Lagoon. All I know is that if you want to turn your nose up just so you can be elite, you’re missing out on the cheddar bay biscuits. Your loss (and more for me).

I don’t understand the contempt that some people have for any and every chain restaurant. I mean, if you like the place, then isn’t that enough of a reason to patronize it? Back home, there was a restaurant that was in business for 40 some odd years. It was an attraction - a local legend. A few years back, they branched out and opened a few other stores. Suddenly, it’s a chain. The menu is the same; the quality is the same. However, there are plenty of people who will suddenly turn their nose up at the place because it’s {shudder} a chain.

What’s up with that? I say, if you liked it before, why wouldn’t you still like it now that there are more of them and one possibly closer to your home? I choose where I eat and what I buy based upon what I like. If I like a chain, I’ll eat there. If I don’t, I will not. I don’t understand people who stand on principle - won’t eat there just because it’s a chain. Why not choose not to eat there because you don’t like it or some more legitimate reason?

I’ve been mocked for my love of the Lobster (Hi, Giggle! How are the girls? That last picture of them was just lovely!). I may make a convenient subject of ridicule, but I feel that I am, at the very least, intellectually honest with myself. I answer to my own tastes, pop culture or not.

Is this contempt because it’s something that the masses enjoy and so suddenly it’s not cool and hip and edgy anymore? Because if that was the case, then I’d imagine such a mentality would ruin many of the good things in life. For example, one of my favorite books is To Kill a Mockingbird. Great book - a bazillion-gazillion copies have been printed. Does this somehow dilute the quality? In general, when a lot of people love something, it’s a pretty safe bet that it’s worth checking out. Oh, sure, it’s tres’ cool to get in on the ground floor - to discover something new that is worth adoration by masses. I’m sure the first patron of Red Lobster probably feels that way.

I’m not very cool or hip. I’m ordinary. And I’m happy being ordinary. So there - now you know it. I love Red Lobster. I want to be buried in a coffin of cheddar bay biscuits. At my visitation, people can approach the coffin, grab a biscuit, and say “I’ll really miss Linda. She was a good egg. Damn, are these the best biscuits you’ve ever eaten or what?”

Biscuits for everyone!

PS: I’m typing this stupid post in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep. I’ve been laying here awake for an hour tossing and turning and thinking about tomorrow. Thought I’d get up and hang with you guys for a bit and watch some Law and Order SVU. Because, you know, I’m ordinary.

PSS: Speaking of pop culture, did you know that with cable TV, you can pretty much find any number of Law & Order episodes on at pretty much any time of day or night?

PSSS: How many Weight Watcher points would a dozen cheddar bay biscuits be?