Jan 24 2006
Are you a MILF? (Mother I’d Like to FORK!)
Ever since the original version of the American Pie movie, the word MILF, an acronym which stands for Mother I’d Like to F*ck (what? suddenly I’m prudish and shy? Fuck, fuck, fuck… see, I can say it!) has been floating around the US lexicon. In the vernacular from the movie, it was used by high school boys (ie: Finch) to refer to mothers of peers who were hot numbers (ie: Stifler’s Mother).
In the manner the acronym is used in the movie, it is accurate, albeit potentially offensive to some (those would be the same ones who didn’t like the above use of the f-bomb thrice). Like it or not, its use in the movie at least makes sense.
Fast forward to 2006 and MILF is perhaps a tired an overused acronym from a movie now over five years old. My issue isn’t, however, with the level of tiredness or the overusedness (I believe I just made up ANOTHER word… sheesh, if only I could get paid for this!) but with the freaking inaccurate use of it.
Even if one is a mother, one cannot use the term MILF to refer to oneself. To do so is the equivalent of saying “Ooooo, I’d like to diddle myself I’m so darn hot.” Masturbation-worthiness is no guarantee of one’s attractiveness. Ugly people can masturbate, too. The term MILF was meant to be an assessment from an interested observer of a female who happens to be a mother.
However, and listen carefully because I think I might make the righting of this horrible wrong one of my 2006 New Year’s Resolutions — a woman CANNOT refer to herself as a MILF. She cannot even refer, heterosexually, to another woman who happens to be a mother as a MILF. IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY. In the acronym MILF, the letter I stands in for a first person point of view. If you call yourself or a friend in whom you have no sexual interest a MILF, you are misusing the term and annoying the living daylights out of me.
Perhaps I can suggest some other acronyms that those of you tempted to use MILF improperly might consider instead:
MYLF: this is the simplest and most straight-forward revision. It means “mother you’d like to f*ck” (fuck, fuck, fuck) and it can be used by a woman about herself when addressing any heterosexual male or a lesbian female. It’s basically saying “Hey, I’m arrogant and assuming you’d like to f*ck me.” For example, I might confidently use this with my husband. “Oh, honey… I’m so MYLFy you can hardly keep your hands off me.”
MYMLF: when one is less certain, this might stand in as “mother you might like to f*ck”. Women who embrace the quality of humility or even just those with self-image issues might prefer this one.
WYLF: the more generic version of MYLF, it means “woman you’d like to f*ck” and this can also be used as WYMLF. The thing about this is that it can be used for f*ckable women who are NOT mothers as well as mothers. There are lots of women out there - they are all daughters, some are sisters, some are mothers, the lucky ones are friends, a majority will be neighbors. I mean, there are LOTS of labels for these chicks. “Women” is a nice, generic catch-all term. WYLF. It’s catchy. Think about it.
MHTBLF: this one is tough because it’s so hard to pronounce. It sounds something like Mhut-Bilf” and it means “Mother Horny Teenage Boys Like to F*ck”. If you are sought after by many hormone-ridden teenage boys, you can called yourself a MHTBLF, even if same said teenage boys call you a MILF (see how that works?).
And lastly…
MWSWLAHFAMAOTLWHKADWSIDOAHM: don’t ask me to pronounce this one, but it stands for “Mother Who Should Worry Less About Her F*ckability and More About Other Things Like What Her Kids Are Doing While She Is Droning On About Her Milfiness”.
I personally don’t care what anyone but my husband thinks of me. Horny teenage boys just don’t factor into it at all… not even on my radar (except maybe for Legolas because he looks like he’s about 17 and I wouldn’t mind it if he told those ladies on The View “Boy, that Linda sure is a MILF.” but only with his long hair and his pointy ears and his quiver of arrows and, yes, perhaps the quiver of arrows is somehow a sexual metaphor, but I digress).
Anyway, if this rambling hasn’t made the point yet, let me sum it up: it’s a pet peeve of mine when women refer to themselves as MILFs and I immediately think “Oh, look… there’s another one of those Mothers I’d Like to FORK.” as in sink a 3-pronged salad fork deep into her thigh or, if the woman was particular annoying, maybe even into the side of her neck. But, of course, I would never do such a thing because I’m a BPWTTBIGVNCAVATPV (big pussy who talks tough but is generally very non-confrontational and very adverse to physical violence).
Where in the world would we all be if not for American Pie? Probably stuck with that archaic term from the 70s of “Hot Mama”. Ah… in my old age, I find myself pining away for the good ol’ days when everything made sense.
