Jan 04 2006
Linda on the Loo (alternately titled “Potty Mouth”)
When I feel a rant coming on, there’s a good chance it has something to do with public restrooms. Perhaps I’m all alone here (am I? any other freaks like me out there?), but I seem to have lots and lots of complaints about public toilets.
First and foremost, this one is for all of you who use the damn restrooms. If you come into the ladies’ room and there is a whole row of stalls, and only ONE is occupied (by, say, for instance, ME) – why the fuck do you have to go in the stall right next door? There are unwritten RULES about these things. If at all possible, you should leave THREE stalls between you and me. That way, if another person comes in, she can pick that middle stall and we shall all still enjoy an empty stall between us. There is no reason on this earth that you should choose to do your business right next door to where I’m doing my business. That there is uncomfortable enough when it’s necessary. When it’s NOT necessary, it’s downright criminal.
That’s the main one. Take heed all readers – toilet stall spacing is important. Think before you stink (oh, that was baaaaad). For the record, I’m not certain about the unwritten rules of the male restroom are so you’ll have to check with someone who has dangly bits if you want to know.
My next three complaints are really aimed toward the engineers and designers who decide on what amenities the public restrooms should have.
Number One: I am perfectly capable of deciding how much water I need to wash my hands, thank you. These damn automatic-off systems are KILLING me. I WANT MORE FUCKING WATER and I don’t want to have to keep pressing or waving my hands around like a lunatic to get it. GIVE ME BACK THE CONTROL.
Number Two: Similar to number one, I really want to have full authority over toilet flushing. I hate your stupid toilets that flush four times while I’m trying to get my fat ass situated on the toilet and then refuse to flush at all when I’m all finished with my bidness so that I then have to go looking for the inconspicuous magic override button to make it flush the one time it actually should have flushed. Hey, you can save LOTS of water by eliminating all the extra flushing and then maybe let me use some of it to wash my hands for more than 30 seconds flat. Genius!
Number Three: In airports, the damn stall doors should open OUTWARD. How the fuck do you expect me to squeeze my fat butt into the stall with my rolling suitcase and my laptop case and then CLOSE the damn door (all the while making the toilet flush over and over)? Are you SERIOUS? And heaven forbid if I’m traveling with small children. Sheesh, even my three year old commented on how dumb that design was. How does that make you feel to know a three year old is smarter than all of you morons put together? Huh? Huh? (I’ll admit it, I think she’s BRILLIANT but I might be a teensy bit biased.)
The last official complaint I’d like to log here is a little bit sensitive. I mean, I know that bathroom maintenance people are rather low on the totem pole. They probably bring in minimum wage and it’s quite possible their jobs stink as much as mine (possible, not probable). For these reasons, I’d hate to offend them. But, truth be told, this message must be conveyed. Let me try to do so gently.
Dear Maintenance/Cleaning Persons,
I realize the lavatory cleaning/stocking part of your job probably really bites the weenie and you might well hate it. I truly feel for you and I wish I could hire you all to work for me at my house where bathroom maintenance is done far less often (I really could use two or three of you just to wipe baby drool – that’s a thankless job at my house). So I do understand WHY you do what you do – fewer trips into the restroom to clean and stock is a good thing, right? Yes, I get that.
BUT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY – QUIT SHOVING THE PAPER TOWEL HOLDER SO DAMN FULL THAT IN ORDER FOR ME TO HAVE ONE TOWEL, I END UP PULLING A STACK OF FIFTY OUT, please?
Warmest Regards,
JustLinda
So, if you haven’t fallen asleep yet, what did I miss? What are your bathroom complaints? Please share. And in case you’re one of the seven people on the planet who haven’t yet read THIS, take a moment. It’s the the definitive survival guide for taking a dump at work. If you’re brave enough, count up how many of the techniques on that list you have utilized and tell me. I’ll share this with you: I think the courtesy flush is WAY underutilized, and I’m a big CAMO-COUGH and ASTAIRE user myself. I really believe in the value of them.
