Jan 04 2006
Linda on the Loo (alternately titled “Potty Mouth”)
When I feel a rant coming on, there’s a good chance it has something to do with public restrooms. Perhaps I’m all alone here (am I? any other freaks like me out there?), but I seem to have lots and lots of complaints about public toilets.
First and foremost, this one is for all of you who use the damn restrooms. If you come into the ladies’ room and there is a whole row of stalls, and only ONE is occupied (by, say, for instance, ME) – why the fuck do you have to go in the stall right next door? There are unwritten RULES about these things. If at all possible, you should leave THREE stalls between you and me. That way, if another person comes in, she can pick that middle stall and we shall all still enjoy an empty stall between us. There is no reason on this earth that you should choose to do your business right next door to where I’m doing my business. That there is uncomfortable enough when it’s necessary. When it’s NOT necessary, it’s downright criminal.
That’s the main one. Take heed all readers – toilet stall spacing is important. Think before you stink (oh, that was baaaaad). For the record, I’m not certain about the unwritten rules of the male restroom are so you’ll have to check with someone who has dangly bits if you want to know.
My next three complaints are really aimed toward the engineers and designers who decide on what amenities the public restrooms should have.
Number One: I am perfectly capable of deciding how much water I need to wash my hands, thank you. These damn automatic-off systems are KILLING me. I WANT MORE FUCKING WATER and I don’t want to have to keep pressing or waving my hands around like a lunatic to get it. GIVE ME BACK THE CONTROL.
Number Two: Similar to number one, I really want to have full authority over toilet flushing. I hate your stupid toilets that flush four times while I’m trying to get my fat ass situated on the toilet and then refuse to flush at all when I’m all finished with my bidness so that I then have to go looking for the inconspicuous magic override button to make it flush the one time it actually should have flushed. Hey, you can save LOTS of water by eliminating all the extra flushing and then maybe let me use some of it to wash my hands for more than 30 seconds flat. Genius!
Number Three: In airports, the damn stall doors should open OUTWARD. How the fuck do you expect me to squeeze my fat butt into the stall with my rolling suitcase and my laptop case and then CLOSE the damn door (all the while making the toilet flush over and over)? Are you SERIOUS? And heaven forbid if I’m traveling with small children. Sheesh, even my three year old commented on how dumb that design was. How does that make you feel to know a three year old is smarter than all of you morons put together? Huh? Huh? (I’ll admit it, I think she’s BRILLIANT but I might be a teensy bit biased.)
The last official complaint I’d like to log here is a little bit sensitive. I mean, I know that bathroom maintenance people are rather low on the totem pole. They probably bring in minimum wage and it’s quite possible their jobs stink as much as mine (possible, not probable). For these reasons, I’d hate to offend them. But, truth be told, this message must be conveyed. Let me try to do so gently.
Dear Maintenance/Cleaning Persons,
I realize the lavatory cleaning/stocking part of your job probably really bites the weenie and you might well hate it. I truly feel for you and I wish I could hire you all to work for me at my house where bathroom maintenance is done far less often (I really could use two or three of you just to wipe baby drool – that’s a thankless job at my house). So I do understand WHY you do what you do – fewer trips into the restroom to clean and stock is a good thing, right? Yes, I get that.
BUT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY – QUIT SHOVING THE PAPER TOWEL HOLDER SO DAMN FULL THAT IN ORDER FOR ME TO HAVE ONE TOWEL, I END UP PULLING A STACK OF FIFTY OUT, please?
Warmest Regards,
JustLinda
So, if you haven’t fallen asleep yet, what did I miss? What are your bathroom complaints? Please share. And in case you’re one of the seven people on the planet who haven’t yet read THIS, take a moment. It’s the the definitive survival guide for taking a dump at work. If you’re brave enough, count up how many of the techniques on that list you have utilized and tell me. I’ll share this with you: I think the courtesy flush is WAY underutilized, and I’m a big CAMO-COUGH and ASTAIRE user myself. I really believe in the value of them.
I’m definitely with you on all of the points of contention, particularly the airport stalls. (Seriously, even skinny girls who have kids must have this problem, right?!!) The only thing that I have to add is my fury when there is no tp left in one stall and rolls lolling about everywhere in the other three - can’t the lucky user of the last piece go over and get one of the spare rolls?
Oooo, oooo - yes, toilet paper. Not only when it’s MISSING, but what about those huge rolls - big as the tire on a Mack truck, right? And the plastic holder which will snap your hand off just as easily as a snapping turtle. How scary is it to try to reach in their to find the damn END of the paper??? I swear, some evil people-hating person must have invented that device. I think I’ve spent less time giving BIRTH than I have trying to find the elusive end of the damn toilet paper.
I’m totally with ya. If we all know the ‘don’t go in the stall next to me if another is open’ rule, who are the freaks who don’t know? It’s common sense, people. I think those people are the close-talkers who have no concept of personal space. Total morons.
i hate when the tp is cheap…you try and roll it and get 2 or 3 squares and the tp breaks. you find the end and get another few squares and it breaks AGAIN! and again and again!
i must admit, i usually go for the handicapped stall if i’m with my daughter. unless there’s actually someone who looks more handicapped than i
one other complaint is touching the handle to the exit door after you’ve already washed your hands. i wish they all of them opened outward so you could use your shoulder to open them. that’s one reason i frequent the bathrooms at target.
AMEN, SISTAH!!
(and while we’re at it can we also mention that carrying on a conversation with someone once the stall has been entered is strictly verboten?? I have a friend at work that if we happen to enter the bathroom at the same time, she wants to talk the whole time we’re in there. Its just wrong!)
Linda, it’s like you were in my head today! Bathroom at Target, I’m the only one in there (and not even in the first stall) and some woman goes into the one next to me. Aaagh!
My own biggest potty peeve of late: Those nasty nasty people who will have a CELL PHONE conversation in the pot. How disgusting is that?? When someone does that while my friend is in there, she will repeatedly flush her toilet, just to make sure the person on the other end KNOWS they’re getting potty chatter.
How about those darn sanitary disposal metal box thingies that are conveniently placed to be right in your face when you sit down, or just where your elbow will smack into it every time you move?
I, too, do not like touching the door handle on the way out. I use a paper towel, or if they only have the blower dryers, I wait for somebody to come in, and catch the door with my elbow. Yeah, I’m kind of a freak.
Oh, yeah, never underestimate the power of a camo-cough!
And I also wish more people would use the courtesy flush. I try to do my part.
And I agree with you that the stall doors should swing out. Especially when they door barely misses hitting the toilet in passing. Where am I supposed to stand to open/close the door when I go in or out of the stall? Am I supposed to straddle the toilet until I get the door past the cammode and then proceed?
And please, for the sake of pete, have paper towels for me to dry my hands on. I hate taking 5 minutes to dry off my hands using a blow dryer! And judging from previous comments, most people hate doing that and as a result, less people wash their hands. They say “screw it, I don’t have that kind of time” and walk out unwashed. So now, I have to touch the same door handle that Filthy McPeehands just touched to leave since there are no paper towels around for me to use as a “glove”!
Ok, I feel better now. Great post!
Agree with all of the above. Add to the list: please make sure your business is flushed before leaving the stall!!! I HATE walking in a looking into a toilet full.
Or if you straddle, please wipe down the seat. I don’t want to sit down on your pee.
haha, your post cracked me up to end, and i have no idea how i even found it. here’s what i blogged about just last week:
today’s post is a rant about: public/communal toilets. i was talking to a guy yesterday and he was telling me this incredulous story he’d heard that women’s bathrooms were far worse than men’s. now, recently having to enter the men’s toilet at work to steal handsoap, i could see why this would seem strange…urinals are pretty gross, and there’s always a few drops of pee on the rim or worse, on the floor. but i shocked him by agreeing wholeheartedly. why? let me explain.
I’m not sure what diseases you can actually pick up on a toilet seat, but if the seat is free from any obvious biologicals, i have no problem going bare-ass. if it’s a bit sketchy, i do the whole toilet paper super disease barrier, or carry on to the next loo. but some women always insist, when the toilet seat is not theirs and theirs alone, on doing: the hover. now, it seems like a good idea in theory: your ass is suspended a couple of inches above the seat, no skin/plastic contact, and hey, most asian countries have the squat toilet. if executed well, the hover can be highly effective. *if*. 3 times out of 5, maybe, the hover works. but when it goes awry, it’s chaos. why just last night i saw a toilet surrounded by a sea of pee, a victim of a hover gone bad. many times i’ve had to hit 3-4 , sometimes 7-8 stalls to find one not marked by a sloppy hoverer. the worst though was this summer as i was driving home from holidays: part deux, and i stopped at some falls for an oil top up and a quick pee. i ran into the outhouse, did a quick recon in the dim light, noted nothing awry, and sat down. in pee. the reason the seat looked clean in the fibreglass filtered light was that it wasn’t a few drops; the seat was entirely awash in pee, creating that reflective “flat water” look that is so dangerous to low-level helicopter flying. i was so disgusted i did a dry heave or two and drove to the nearest service station with hot water, soap, and lots of paper towels. you may be thinking, “then tasha, why don’t you hover?” because my friend, i have been the person who has to CLEAN that bad-hover-disaster, and, i can admit it, i’ve had a bad hover or two. it took me almost a week in thailand to figure out how to not pee on my feet on the squat toilets. maybe i’m playing with fire, being a sitter, but it seems more hygenic in the big scheme of things, and i’ve learned to be a bit more careful during recon.
next week: stink spray. you are not fooling anyone when you drench the room in glade “fresh rain”, you’re just burning our lungs making our eyes water. we know why it now smells like chemical flowers. shut the door, turn on the fan.
I%5C%27m+love+this+great