Nothing to See Here…

I swear, I won’t make you wear a big, feathery, red hat or drive a long, pink Cadillac with personalized plates that say BLG-BTCH or anything like that (but if you WANT to do those things, hey, that’s fine by me - I’ll stand back and make fun of you like everyone else).

Here’s the deal… I’m new to this blogging game, relatively, and I just don’t know the ropes. I don’t want some trick to take advantage of me. I don’t want to get ripped off - like if someone, you know, steals my dumb jokes, I need someone who can go kick their butts. I need protection, ya know? Advice. I need some muscle.

Okay, maybe I’m going slightly askew here. I was being honest when I said I really don’t know the ropes, though. And, well, even that is difficult for me because in every other area I know everything about everything (go ahead - just ask me and I’ll tell you). But this blogging thing, well, I’m still not at the top of my game here.

Like, for example:

~ Does Blogger suck? It’s free and I’ve been able to feel my way around okay, but I have nothing to compare it to. I know that sometimes I want to take my sledgehammer to it when it gets finicky and I know that I don’t TRUST it completely so all my posts first get copied ot my clipboard (maybe just good sense, who knows). Should I be checking out some other blogging software? Would I be able to somehow move my archives and such over if I did move? Which ones should I consider?

~ What the hell is Technorati all about - is it mostly just a place people go to search for blog content? Am I missing something? What about Bloglines and Weblogs.com - what am I supposed to be doing on these sites? I feel like I should be doing something but I have no clue what.

~ And talk to me of RSS. I know what the acronym stands for but do I need it, do I want it (either sending or receiving feeds) and if so how, where, when, why?

~ What’s the best site-metering software? Don’t tell me not to concern myself with it, I’m hooked on the junk, I need the junk. Don’t take my junk away from me! Right now I’m using FreeStats. Before I buck up for a not-as-free account, should I consider Site Meter or other solutions? What software do all the COOL bloggers use?

~ Same deal with Blogrolling - I’m doing the free deal now. Is there value to paying up? What do I get for my blogrolling buck?

~ When I use Blogger and I add an image via the URL option, am I just linking (aka stealing bandwidth)? Would it be preferable for me to steal that picture outright, upload it to my own picture hosting service and then use it in my post? Evidently, I’m okay with stealing pictures but very uncomfortable with stealing bandwidth.

~ If I check my site stats 497 times per hour, does that make me creepy and obsessive? Are there blogs to help me recover for this unhealthy addiction? If so, do you think they’d add me to their blogrolls? ‘Cause I think that would totally help me improve my stats.

~ Has the blogsphere reached consensus on the comments format - would they prefer the comments to post in the main window or to spawn off a cute little baby window? I don’t want to do it wrong. I want to be like the other cool bloggers. You know, so they’ll sit next to me in the cafeteria and stuff.

Phew, well, now that I’ve stopped and taken a breath, maybe I’ll save the rest of my questions for later. You know, after I’ve scared all of you off except the creepy desperate-for-a-friend person who will stick by my side now for the rest of my ever-lovin’ life.

Ain’t the Internet grand?