Dec 16 2005
Can we all keep just a little perspective?
I don’t want to appear to be a Grinch. Really, I don’t. I love Christmas, mostly. Love the shopping, the lights, trees, cookies, fudge, Santa, all of it.
Well, almost all of it.
I really think that Santa should take a stand and STOP VISITING houses with really stupid decorations. I realize that ’stupid decorations’ is a subjective thing but I believe we can all agree on the big stuff:
1. If you have more than 4 dozen lit-up plastic characters sitting on your lawn, you don’t even deserve COAL!
2. Even if you only have 4 lit-up plastic things, you have a responsibility to make sure there is some amount of perspective. It drives me BATTY to see a hoaky lawn display where the plastic baby Jesus and the plastic Santa are the SAME-FUCKING-SIZE. Batty. Please give it some thought. And if your spiral lit up Christmas tree is right next to a set of huge plastic lit up CANDLES that are the same height, almost, as the tree, you have a problem. Think about it.
3. The blow-up things are cute. Well, they were a few years ago. Now? If you choose to put 7 of them on your lawn, you need therapy and another hobby and you get no presents. Even if you only put 1 on your lawn, if it is 50% as large as your home, you not only get no gifts, but Santa should buzz the tower and deflate that damn monstrosity with the runner of his sleigh.
4. Generally, I like lights… all sorts of lights. But for goodness sakes, have a sense of symmetry! If you run out of lights when you’re only three quarters across the front porch, bust out another 97 cents to buy an additional pack so you can make it all the way to the end. Please?
5. Lastly, if your lights are still up in April, I believe Santa should come (maybe on April 1st? now that would be a good April Fool’s gig) and take back all the gifts. No one wants to live next door to the perpetual light people. Seriously.
Rememer, Santa’s watching! And if you live in St. Louis, JustLinda is watching too.
