Nothing to See Here…

Resolution: I resolve not to put off going to the bathroom. When a girl has to pee, she should go pee. Right? How lazy am I to put off going pee until my bladder is so full it might burst. L-A-Z-Y. I think I can successfully pull this one off. It’d be helpful if all you people would quit posting the entertaining blog and message board entries that keep me distracted. Deal? OK, you all stop being entertaining and I shall empty my bladder more frequently.

Contribution: A big amount. A big-ass huge amount to the ADA (you could too, you know, even just a little). There is a cure for millions just around the corner. Diabetes isn’t the harmless disease many think it is. It’s life threatening and a daily battle to ensure ongoing quality of life. Help us (last night? watching a movie after eating Chinese food - I see him wigging out and make him test. His blood glucose was 39. Thirty-fucking-nine for no good reason at all. Ugh.) Okay, I’m off my soapbox now.

Substitution: I want to substitute good behaviors for bad. Like, knitting instead of eating. Or reading instead of eating. Or perhaps yoga instead of eating. I might take up origami and spend time doing that as a substitute for eating. Perhaps I’ll take up gardening to keep from eating. I was thinking housecleaning would be a fine substitute for eating. Did you pick up on the fact that I’m trying to substitute behaviors in for senseless eating? Yeah. That.

Restitution: This will be of the pay-it-forward type, giving all my baby items to a pregnant teenager who is in need, thus making good on the help I received back in 1983 when I myself was a pregnant teen. Besides, maybe she’ll name the baby Linda and build a shrine to me or something like that and pregnant teens from all over will come to pay homage and there will be a throne for me to sit on and I’ll be so busy smiling and nodding at pregnant teens that I won’t have any time for senseless eating.

Distribution: Well, I’d like to distribute some of the fat cells from elsewhere on my body to my boobage area, but I don’t think I get to have full control of that, non-surgically speaking. So, my distribution pledge is to take the excess from this home (toys, clothes, etc.) and distribute to organizations that help those in need. There is so much excess in this abode that I’m quite certain the gathering and organization and donation process will keep me much too busy to do any senseless eating.

Revolution: My body is where the revolution will occur, fully embracing exercise until I’m so addicted I’d rather engage in it than eat Krispy Kreme doughnuts (I’ll probably be too busy with origami to eat Krispy Kreme’s, right?). Next year on New Year’s Eve, you’ll be, like, “Where is JustLinda’s annual UTION post?” but I won’t be bothered because I’ll be on my 1000th mile on the treadmill and unwilling to step off. THAT’S how addicted I will be. Do you suppose it’s as easy to get addicted to exercise as it is, say, cheeseburgers??? God, I hope so.

Prostitution: I will eagerly trade sex acts for laundry acts (I meant that to be only with my husband, however if any of you are willing to do my laundry and are somewhat attractive, I might consider extending the offer outward). Notice how I carefully don’t mention senseless eating in this post (get your minds out of the gutter!).

There you have it. Happy New Year’s, blogworld, and my most sincere wish for the flawless execution of your own list of UTIONS.