Oct 13 2005
Grudge Match: JustLinda vs. Miss Manners
Gentle Readers,
JustLinda has some issues with etiquette that she would like to explore with you. Because, gentle readers, there are some common traditions of courtesy that JustLinda just doesn’t understand.
First and foremost, JustLinda would like to squash Miss Manners like a BUG for doing the extremely annoying 3rd person thing she has done for all these years. Eeeeeeeeeeek…. Who talks about themselves in 3rd person like that???
OK, enough of that. I couldn’t keep that up even if I was getting paid to do it (And, just checking - you’re not paying me, are you? No? I didn’t think so.)
So, Miss Manners - I have some questions for you:
- Why do you CARE what fucking fork I use? If they all look the same and function the same way, why does it matter whether I use the inside one or the outside one or the middle one or the horizontal one across the top? Let’s take it a step further - how freaking la-di-da are we that we cannot use the same freaking fork from salad through dessert? Obviously, Miss Manners doesn’t do dishes. Miss Linda DOES and the rule here is minimize, minimize, minimize. I prefer my kids to drink directly out of the milk jug rather than getting cups dirty. Eat standing at the refrigerator? A-OK with me. And not only do we use the same fork for every course, we use the same fork for the whole freaking family. Yeah, we just pass it around. At the end of the meal, one dirty fork. Genius.
- Are you a US Post Office STOCKHOLDER? Why is it that you INSIST that when I receive a gift from, say, a friend or relative, and I thank them and hug them and tell them they rock and that it’s the best present ever and how much I love them - why do I need to then drive home and write out a card mail it to them? Isn’t that redundant? Wasteful? I think telling someone thank you in person is AWESOME and replaces the need for a card. So Miss Prissy Britches? I suggest you never buy me a gift. Or, buy me a gift and mail it to me from far, far away and you’ll get a thank you note. If I thank you in person, I’m saving my thirty-seven cents.
- While I’m happy to embrace tradition when it makes sense or when it hurts no one, there are certain traditions that should be tossed out. And, Miss Manners, I say this as only the mother of five daughters can: I’M NOT PAYING FOR FIVE FUCKING WEDDINGS. There, I’ve said it. The reasons that existed when the traditional wedding payment plan was developed no longer exist. Also know that my girls will not have a trousseau and I will not pay a dowry. I have raised some awesome fucking kids and if any boy is able to snag one of them, THAT will be his prize- being part of my family, being able to call me MOM, being able to eat my baked ziti and my husband’s yummy chili and get a Christmas gift from me and maybe even go to Gulf Shores with me. Who could want more than that? I mean, what the fuck - how much did it cost a family to “get rid of” their daughters in the past? Really? I think that if I was getting someone to scrub my gussets (what the hell are gussets?) I should be paying HER and not vice-verse. Face it, Manners, the system is FLAWED, broke-down, and wrong, wrong, wrong. And if you have sons and your sons fall for my daughters? HA! Are you in trouble! ‘Cause MY daughters won’t put up with any of your hoity-toity fancy-schmancy etiquette snobbery. And when you come over to their homes for dinner? You will take THE FORK when it’s passed to you and you will stab a forkful of baked ziti (you’re welcome, yes, it’s a FABULOUS recipe, I know) and you will LIKE IT.
Now pass the fucking fork, it’s my turn and I’m hungry. And no, you don’t have to send me a thank you note for this fabulous advice!
WordPress database error: [Can't open file: 'wp_comments.MYI' (errno: 144)]
SELECT * FROM wp_comments WHERE comment_post_ID = '90' AND comment_approved = '1' ORDER BY comment_date
