Nothing to See Here…

I don’t change oil. I don’t do tire changes or spark plug changes or any sort of anything with my vehicle except pump gas into it (oh, and for the record — filling up the minivan was $54.00 this week!! I wonder if the sheer number of french fries is creating a drag that is running up my fuel bill.)

But those nice boys at Jiffy Lube do all of that for me. Isn’t that sweet of them? They’re swell guys. So very polite!

Tonight I thought I’d share with you JustLinda’s Automobile Maintenance Manifesto:

First, almost any strange and unwelcome noise emanating from your vehicle can be quelled simply by turning UP the radio. Yes, it’s that simple. I’ve used this for years and it never has failed me yet. You may not want to share this awesome technique with your mechanic - people in his trade don’t seem to have a full appreciation of the awesomeness of this trick - but other women far and wide might really embrace it and thank you for sharing.

Second, screeching is bad. But it’s nowhere NEAR as bad as grinding. And grinding, by virtue of being worse, is also way more expensive to fix. If you turn your radio up for too long of a period, you’ll definitely move from screeching to grinding. The goal would be to make sure your husband drives your vehicle sometime during the screeching and hope that he’s exasperated enough with your radio-turning-up technique that he just gets it taken care of for you. There is a very fine balance here, because if you move from screeching to grinding and THEN let your husband drive it, you could get yelled at and you might be expected to make amends by swallowing or something else heinous like that. If you’ve already moved into grinding territory (and you can hear it over the radio turned up), keep the husband away and get it taken care of yourself (those nice boys at Jiffy Lube can tell you where to go). It’s safer this way.

Third, let’s discuss oil changes. I have several thoughts here and I’ll try to organize them for you. The main one is this - 3000 miles? That’s really more of a suggestion than a rule. Here are my guidelines:

a) 3000 miles PLUS the floor needs to be vacuumed (Those nice boys at Jiffy Lube vacuum my vehicle as part of the 24-point service they provide! Plus? If I get there early? Doughnuts, too!)

b) 3000 miles PLUS windshield wipers that are all smeary (Those nice boys at Jiffy Lube will put on new smear-free wiper blades at the low, low cost of only 5X what I could buy them for at Auto Zone but then, of course, I’d have to put them on myself.)

c) 3000 miles PLUS the tires are looking a little low (Those nice boys at Jiffy Lube fill my tires and they are well-versed on all things gauge-like and all settings around pressure and such. They’re so smart and god-like when it comes to such things.)

d) 3000 miles PLUS the squirty windshield fluid is gone (Those nice boys at Jiffy Lube will fill up this as part of the normal service, too.)

There will be times when the nice boys at Jiffy Lube will bring you some foreign item from the inside of your car engine and tell you about how awful it is and how it must be replaced. Look interested and nod and just agree. For the love of Pete, for just 30 seconds, please stop looking at the doughnuts! Tell him, yes, please replace that. Sometimes they want to flush things too. Even if it seems to you flushing things should be free, they will charge you. It’s better to appear smart and just agree to whatever they suggest. After all, they will be vacuuming the french fries off the floor of your vehicle. That alone is worth the extra $59.95 right there.

At the end of the oil change, the nice boys at Jiffy Lube will put this little plastic cling-on label in the upper left corner of your windshield. It’s really best just to remove this right away and throw it deep into the trash. It will only mock you and make you feel bad for going so far beyond the date or mile target they have established for you. It’s better to use my guidelines above: wipers, tires, french fries, or squirty stuff. You’re just going to have to trust me on this.

Even if you are a wildly modern and independent woman, when it comes to automobile maintenance, it still behooves you to play dumb. Complete ignorance is your only salvation. If you learn some little thing, like “Oh, honey - I learned how to check the oil with that dipstick thing!” it can only haunt you later with greater expectations and more work. The same way your husband feigns ignorance about laundry (Really! Did you think he put that red sock in with the white stuff on ACCIDENT? And washing your delicates on hot? Yeah, the man is smart like a fucking FOX!) Two can play at that game. If he starts getting snippety or expecting too much in the area of automobile maintenance, well, put a red sock in it. “Honey, I thought the car would run better if I put 4 quarts of that Valvoline oil stuff in the gas tank when I filled up and I filled the tires to 60 pounds per square inch just so they won’t need to be filled up for awhile.”

After he regains consciousness, smile and thank him for letting enough air out to make the tires safe. And promise that from now on you’ll either let him do it or those nice boys at Jiffy Lube.

And while you unload the dirty casserole dish from the dishwasher (he says “Oh, wow - that didn’t get clean at ALL, did it? Man, I shouldn’t even be allowed to DO dishes!”), you can say back to him “Hey, can you pick up the kids from my mom’s house? Use my car - I accidentally parked behind you in the driveway. Oh, and I thought I heard a screeching sound. It’s probably nothing, though, just turn the radio up louder.”

See? And they say people no longer give a full 100 percent to their marriage!