Nothing to See Here…

If you’re going to read my blog, I think there may be a few things you should know about me.

First, because I’m not that bright, I cannot seem to grasp proper usage of the who and whom thing, nor do I fully understand the lay, lain, lie dealio. When I use those words, I simply do my best. When I use them wrong, feel free to ridicule me about it - I couldn’t possibly care less. Now, when I get some big fancy magazine knocking my door down to beg me to write for them (and if you’re reading this, big fancy magazine editor? it’s JustLindaD at GMail dot com) then I’ll be running to you all in a tizzy saying “Oh my God, is it whom or who and did he lay or lie? HELP!” I just wanted y’all to be prepared for that day, ’cause really it could happen any day now, right?

Punctuation is a little different. I think I’m pretty darn good at punctuation. I think I understand what is supposed to be done, punctuation-wise. The problem is that I often just DON’T AGREE. And when that happens, my way wins. For example, I really hate that when I end a sentence with a phrase in parentheses, it requires the period to be INSIDE the parens. That sucks. It upsets my sensibilities about aesthetics and all that. So, if I write such a sentence, you may well see the punctuation on the outside (kind of like I’m about to do right now).

Here’s my issue — if I were to put the phrase in parens in the MIDDLE of the sentence, it wouldn’t have that punctuation in it, right? So, in my estimation, I shouldn’t just change the rule because it’s placed at the end of the sentence.

I feel similarly about quote marks. If I’m literally quoting the words of another, I will punctuate within the quotes. As an example, when I trimmed Jadyn’s fingernails this weekend, she said “Mommy, if you cut them too short, how will I scratch my butt?” See? I like having the punctuation in there. But if I’m using quotes to stress a word, then the punctuation has NO BUSINESS inside the quotes. And, yes, thank you - I do realize that perhaps I use those casual quotes “too much”. Especially when I talk about “working from home”.

In fact, there are several elements of punctuation that I have totally adopted as my favorites and I use them to death. The in-sentence “quotes” being one. The accentuation of the word by using CAPITALS is another. Thirdly, I tend to gravitate toward the dot dot dot… And lastly, I like to add excitement by the vast overuse of exclamation marks!!!!

Did you know they “used” to be called exclamation POINTS but there must have been some big meeting somewhere to change it and now they are “marks” (as if it really matters)…

(See? That last sentence has a little bit of everything. What a great sentence!)

The truth is, I think I have a pretty good mastery of the language. But, damn, all you journalists and real writers out there give me a complex. Because I’m sure you have nothing better to do than to proofread my blog for punctuation misuse and grammatical errors, right? Regardless, it’s because of you that I want to qualify that previous sentence — I have pretty good mastery of the language for a person who got knocked up at seventeen and never went to college. Whew, there, I feel better. Except I lied — I did go back to college when I was 30 and did about 60 credit hours before my travel schedule caused me to quit. But really, I think I may have already adopted my personal rules of punctuation by then, so it was probably too late for me.

I do absolutely know the differences between two, too, and to as well as their, there, and they’re. I also know when it’s appropriate to use its as opposed to it’s. And I’m pretty good with commas and semicolons and apostrophes (for both possessive and plural-possessive). So when you see me misuse those, it’s not because I don’t KNOW, it’s only because I didn’t proofread well enough and missed it.

I wonder, though, do any of YOU have your own rules with regard to punctuation and grammar? Are there things commonly done by others that drive you MAD? What aspects do you struggle with, if any? Do you have easy ways to help you with the who and whom struggle or the lay and lie struggle? If so, share, dammit please!

And let me just leave you with these thoughts:

TRY THIS TEST (I got 8 out of 10 correct, and one of the wrong answers was to question #1 and, really, that shouldn’t even COUNT, right?)

And memorize all these rules (I’ll be TESTING you {on how many of them I’ve broken in just this one post}):

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Never use a preposition to end a sentence with. Winston Churchill, corrected on this error once, responded to the young man who corrected him by saying “Young man, that is the kind of impudence up with which I will not put!
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (And who is going to MAKE me?)
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.) (Telling me what to do? That’s par for the course!)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. (I implore individuals - incorporate it indiscriminately!)
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. (JustLinda loves her parentheses.)
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies endlessly over and over again.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren’t always necessary and shouldn’t be used to excess so don’t.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not always apropos. (Foreign words? Moi’?)
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous and can be excessive. (Oh, my JustLinda breaks this one all the time. JustLinda loves using lots of words!)
14. All generalizations are bad.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Avoid excessive use of ampersands & abbrevs., etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake (Unless they are as good as gold).
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when substituting a diminutive one would suffice. (Harumph! How does one show off one’s big vocabulary if one doesn’t dust off those big words from time to time?)
23. Don’t overuse exclamation points!!! (Um, yeah, JustLinda breaks this one all the time)
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed and use it correctly with words’ that show possession.
27. Don’t use too many quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a billion times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. Besides, hyperbole is always overdone, anyway.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers. (Oh, please - PUNish me. I dig a good pun.)
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions? However, what if there were no rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. (Exaggerate? Moi’?)
34. Avoid “buzz-words”; such integrated transitional scenarios complicate simplistic matters
35. People don’t spell “a lot” correctly alot of the time. (Oh, if you don’t like buzz words, then by all means avoid THIS post!)
36. Each person should use their possessive pronouns correctly.
37. All grammar and spelling rules have exceptions (with a few exceptions)….Morgan’s Law.
38. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. (When I’m rich and famous, I’ll hire someone to do this for me.)
39. The dash – a sometimes useful punctuation mark – can often be overused – even though it’s a helpful tool some of the time.
40. Proofread carefully to make sure you don’t repeat repeat any words.
41. In writing, it’s important to remember that dangling sentences.
41. When numbering in a written document, check your numbering system carefully.
42. It is important to use italics for emphasis sparingly.
43. In good writing, for good reasons, under normal circumstances, whenever you can, use prepositional phrases in limited numbers and with great caution.
44. Avoid going out on tangents unrelated to your subject — not the subject of a sentence — that’s another story (like the stories written by Ernest Hemingway, who by the way wrote the great fisherman story The Old Man and the Sea). (JustLinda seems to enjoy the view from tangents since she goes there so often.)
45. Complete sentences. Like rule 10.
46. Unless you’re a righteous expert don’t try to be too cool with slang to which you’re not hip. (Do you suppose they are accusing JustLinda of not being HIP??? The nerve…)
47. If you must use slang, avoid out-of-date slang. Right on!
48. You’ll look poorly if you misuse adverbs.
49. Use the ellipsis ( . . . ) to indicate missing . . .
50. Use brackets to indicate that you [ not Shakespeare, for example ] are giving people [ in your class ] information so that they [ the people in your class ] know about whom you are speaking. But do not use brackets when making these references [ to other authors ] excessively.
51. Note: People just can’t stomach too much use of the colon.
52. Between good grammar and bad grammar, good grammar is the best.
53. There are so many great grammar rules that I can’t decide between them.
54. In English, unlike German, the verb early in the sentence, not later, should be placed.
55. When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.

(no, silly, I didn’t make those up — I stole them from HERE)

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