Nothing to See Here…

I thought that title would draw you in. It did, didn’t it?

Let me sum it up for you:

The horniest man in the universe = MY HUSBAND (who is all things good and wonderful and really he DOES deserve a harem to cater to his every desire on a daily basis but somehow he got stuck with me, which leads me to my next point)

Pavlov’s dog = ME

Let me explain.

First you have to understand the back-story. My house is home to six full-time people and two sometimes/occasional people. The full time people include the horniest man in the universe and me along with our three young daughters and their insomniac paternal grandfather (it seemed much less icky to call him their paternal grandfather than to refer to him as the father of the horniest man in the universe). The part time occasional people include my grown daughters - one who lives in town and pops in occasionally (probably to steal toilet paper and q-tips when I’m not looking, thank god for Costco) and another one who lives two hours away at her college and occupies our house on occasional weekends (to do laundry) and all summer long (to sleep, evidently).

So, if you’re reading between the lines, you’ll know that there are people wandering in and through the house at any given time of any given day. No privacy. Not even after the little girls go to bed.

In other words, the dining room table hasn’t seen any action in AGES (and I’m not talking roasted turkey here, folks).

If you live in a house like this, you live with the reality that sex is a bedroom activity. OK, and maybe a master-bathroom activity but then when you’re 40 and your knees are starting to go, not so much.

Here’s where the Pavlov’s dog connection comes in: picture me, a 40 year old sleep-deprived woman, mother of 5, full time employee in the land of corporate dronedom. Picture a nice, big, soft, king-sized, pillow-top bed.

Now imagine what happens once I climb into said haven of much desired slumber.

Yeah, I fall asleep. Quickly. And loudly.

So the question is this:

Is my going to sleep RESPONSIBLE for him being the horniest man in the universe, or is his position as the horniest man in the universe responsible for me being unceasingly tired?

See the conundrum?

Maybe if I just suck it up (no pun intended) and SATISFY the man once and for all (as if!) then I could finally get caught up on sleep. Or, conversely, maybe if he would just quit grabbing my boobs, then I could get caught up on sleep and have enough energy to knock him down into the position of only 2nd horniest man in the universe (as if!).

See, I don’t think any of those are doable. Here’s what I think will work: I sleep and he does his thing TO me while I snooze. Then we BOTH get what we need. Only? He’s not all that hip on this plan. Go figure.

There is a 2nd idea we’ve discussed: hiring on a junior wife. Oh, the advantages to this plan are ENDLESS. While I’m at work, she could be the at-home wife, cleaning house and making Play-doh bunnies with my daughter and having dinner prepared for the end of the day. Then after the little ones are all tucked away, I could go to sleep on the dining room table (’cause really, I’m so tired I don’t think I’d notice that it’s not a pillow-top model) and the horniest man in the universe can boink the junior wife in the king-sized bed. And maybe every 6 months or so when the spirit moves me, I can give her a night off and take over (’cause surely after 6 months of that, he’d be demoted to maybe the 3rd horniest man in the universe, right?).

Who loses?

Oh, HER, you say? Because now SHE becomes tired and overextended and unmotivated and all that? Yes, I’m sure all that would be reflected on her annual review and, well, it’s rough in the job market out there so if she wants to keep her senior junior wife grade level, she really must push herself to deliver against the objectives we set in line with the JustLinda mission statement and the vision of how the JustLinda household should run. I mean, I’d hate to have to give her an “inferior” rating because really, the raise pool isn’t that DEEP this year, you know? Times are tough.

OK, then, I suppose THAT solution is out the window too.

I think this all goes back to being in Mommy Survivor mode. I think we just keep trudging forward and some nights, the horniest man in the universe is left to his own devices while I snore on and other nights he has the privilege of making love to the most tired woman in the universe (man, it doesn’t get more exciting than THAT, does it?) and we get through it.

Unless… you, you in the back — are you VOLUNTEERING, and if so - what size shoe do you wear? {wink}