Nothing to See Here…

I’ve mentioned I’m lazy, haven’t I? No? Well, come on - do you think an un-lazy person has 12 pounds of French fries in her minivan and only vacuums when it’s a presidential election year (and even then, only if a democrat is voted in)? OK, now you’re thinking.

So I see these blogs with the ‘100 things about me’ entries and I think that’s a great idea. But I don’t think I can commit to 100, so let’s just see how it goes and if I need to take a nap somewhere in here, well, then you’ll all just need to continue finding me a delightful mystery and wonder what those other 78 or 84 or 59 things might have been.

Here goes:

1. I once killed a baby bird. See, we were camping and my sister found a baby bird in a nest that was on the ground. She was digging up worms and feeding it those. I wasn’t much into worms so I fed it a piece of cheese popcorn. It didn’t go well. Cut me some slack, I was 6.

2. I once popped our water bed mattress. Yeah, I was wearing a pair of those CFM hooker heels that my husband adores and he was doing something naughty to me and, well, I wasn’t paying attention to my FEET and somehow I pushed that heel right through. And in case you were wondering, NO I didn’t get to, um, finish.

3. The first dream I can remember having as a child is that my ceiling was covered with Jolly Green Giants (you remember those commercials? Ho Ho Ho, Green Giant). It was very scary. I think maybe that might be the reason that I don’t like vegetables to this very day.

4. My favorite restaurant is Red Lobster and I’ve been laughed at and ridiculed over that. But PEOPLE - I live in St. Fucking Louis - there is no ocean anywhere near us! We take what we can get in seafood. Besides - Red Lobster has those yummy cheddar bay biscuits and, well, when I die, I want to be buried in those.

5. This year, 2005, I have finally grown up, I think. I have my very first non-waterbed mattress (my sleep number is 44, he says his is 69 but I think he’s just trying to make a point). I keep telling him that those gaudy heels can probably pop an airbed just like they popped a waterbed, so we’re hoping that the pillowtop thingie will be enough of a barrier.

6. I had birthed two children before ever having one orgasm.

7. I have some sort of OCD thing about TIME. I like everything to start and end on the hour, or maybe half-hour, or at least in some nice, neat little spot on the clock. When I’m driving home from work, if I get to my street at 5:59 I will drive FAST just to get into my driveway at exactly 6:00. If I get to my street at 5:57, I will drive sloooooow for the same reason.

8. When I eat certain candies (M&Ms, Skittles, etc.) there is a very EXACT SCIENCE to the whole order of colors. Don’t ever fuck with the order. And no matter what you hear elsewhere, RED ones are always the best and to be saved for last.

9. I secretly hope I get pregnant again even though I have too many kids and not enough time and I know that I would be mis-er-a-bull making it through another pregnancy and that my husband would probably leave me or perhaps just lose his mind. I think this makes me sort of, well, FUCKING NUTS.

10. When I’m in conference calls at work, I spend most of the time shopping online. If the focus of the call should come to me, I say “I’m sorry - I didn’t hear that - can you please repeat?” I think they’re on to me (to be honest, I only did this with my old boss who had the most boring and looooooong meetings in the history of corporate long and boring meetings, but thank god he’s gone because it really was costing me an incredible amount of money to attend his meetings).

11. Thank god for 401Ks because lord knows I have NO savings account, which is ridiculous given the amount of annual income we bring in.

12. My biggest fears is that if I die, my mom and sisters will be asked to help clean out my closets and drawers and finally learn what a slob I am (I’m very delusional in thinking they don’t already know).

Well, there you go - I got to twelve. Now we have to leave (Waffle House is calling our name). Maybe I’ll make this a regular Saturday morning pre-Waffle House blog series. That way, someday when I’m rich and famous, you all will be able to say “Oh, Linda? Yeah, I’ve known her since way back when she killed that baby bird with a piece of cheese popcorn.”