Sep 09 2005
I Am Linda, Sworn Defender of the Breasts
Does any woman LIKE the boob-grab? Really? Anyone? Hello? Hello? Bueller?Yeah, that’s what I thought.
What is the DEAL with husbands and boob-grabbing? I used to think it was something that happened in just my household, but I’ve since heard enough stories from the trenches to know that wives EVERYWHERE are defending against this phenomena.
Here’s the deal, bub:
These breasts started growing when I was 11 or 12 years old. It didn’t take me long to figure out that THESE were the female versions of testicles. They demanded protection. They didn’t want to be fucked with, grabbed, pinched, or squeezed.
Now, don’t get me wrong – there IS a time and a place for those things (at least some of them). But it is most definitely not in the kitchen while I load the dishwasher and my daughters are in viewing position. WTF? Do you think that I’ll respond with “Oh, honey, that feels soooo GOOD [puurrrrrrr]. Can we please drop to the floor and do it right here? The scent of Cascade turns me on and I’m sure the kids are so busy watching Dora that they won’t even notice their parents fornicating in plain sight. Good thing I’m wearing my black leather rhinestone g-string today.”
Sit down, honey. This might hurt. It may be disappointing. THAT SCENARIO WILL NEVER EVER PLAY OUT LIKE THAT. EVER.
And yet somehow you are committed to grabbing, pinching, squeezing them every chance you get. For THIRTEEN years you’ve been doing it and I’ve been defending against it. WHY WON’T YOU GIVE UP ALREADY? I can think of no other endeavor you’ve pursued so tirelessly. Keeping the lawn nice? No. Taking the trash out? No. Making sure I stay comfy and cozy in my Hanes Her Way underwear? No.
In fact, take Xena, Warrior Princess. Do you think she wears that armor to defend against enemy swords? Noooooooooo…. It was designed to help ward off the fucking boob-grab. I kid you not. The pointy Madonna bra? Yeah, designed to discourage any boob grabbing (other than, you know, her grabbing her OWN boobage). Even take the new popular bra designs that are formed padded push-in-push-up cups – those are really nothing more than modern day armor to deflect the boob grab. You didn’t know any of that, did you?
If you want to grab something, grab the toddler off the coffee table. Grab the phone when it rings. Grab the newspaper off the driveway instead of stepping over it. But, please please please stop grabbing my breasts.
In return, I promise to unlock and remove the chastity belt at least one night per week. I know, I know… I’m much too good to you, right?
THE HUSBAND’S RESPONSE:
(for the record, he doesn’t post here and he won’t even read here [yeah, right] but we’ve had this conversation sooooo many times, I feel supremely qualified to represent his side)
[whine, whine] You don’t love me. If you loved me, you’d give me unrestricted access to every part of your body. I gave up SIX BILLION other breasts and committed the rest of my life to JUST YOUR TWO and I will have them, dammit! [he reaches to grab a boob, my lightning fast kung-fu response intercepts his hand - HA!]
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