Nothing to See Here…

Where did I leave off? I think it was on number twenty-six. Don’t make me go back and look, OK? I’m just going to start with twenty-six and you all pretend that is correct even if you know differently. You’re probably wishing I would start with ninety-seven just so we can bring this snooze-fest to a quicker conclusion. Well, I’m sorry. This must not be your lucky day.

26. I’m a nail biter. I love biting my nails. Only? Not so professional looking. So I have them put the fake ones on there. And then I work reeeeeal hard to try and get to the real nail UNDER the fake ones. And sometimes I eye my toenails with a bit of a yearning look. But for now, they’re safe (’cause, really, they are soooo far away it’s just not worth it).

27. (which is really a follow up from a previous one) My girls’ names all fall into a pattern. Katie Amber Sarah Jadyn Raena. They are all 5 letters and 2 syllables. They all start with a unique letter and end with a unique letter. They all have an A in the first syllable and a unique middle-consonant sound. And I used to be able to say they all ended with an unique sound, but then after Raena that wasn’t true because, let’s face it, Sarah and Raena end with the same sound. If that bastard I married would have let me name her Hazel my pattern would be completely intact. But there is no denying that this little girl is a Rae-Rae and so I suppose it all worked out for the best.

28. I once lost my keys and couldn’t find them for, like, six months. Ends up they were in my purse the entire time (stupid little dumb zipper pocket that I never use! how the eff did they get in THERE?)

29. Once when I was 11 and at summer camp, after showering (which included shampoo and conditioner - see my Ted Nugent post - conditioner is a must!) my hair stayed, um, well-moisturized ALL DAY. Ends up I didn’t put conditioner on my hair, I put hand lotion on it. Which, of course, didn’t rinse out all that well. I was teased by the hot male counselor and not in a nice way and I wanted to cry. After that, I only went to girl scout camp where there WERE no hot male counselors.

30. My first husband was my “first” (you know, my FIRST) only when he was being my first he wasn’t yet my husband and I told him that no, he wasn’t my first just ’cause I didn’t want him to be too worried about being my first. But he really was my first.

31. I’ve had exactly ONE one-night-stand in my life.

32. I never once tried to buy alcohol before I was of legal age.

33. I’m very much obsessed with keeping my little girls’ ears clean. Fortunately, at some age, I DO stop chasing them with q-tips. The upside is that my big girls have very clean ears because evidently I’ve passed my neurotic obsession with clean ears to them (and let’s face it, the rest of the house can be in decay around us, but our EARS are clean).

34. I’ve never gone skiing (either snow or water) and I really have no desire to do so.

35. In my senior year of high school, I discovered this neat trick by which I could call the office and say “Hi, this is Mary Peterschmidt and my daughter JustLinda is home sick today.” It worked twice. The third time I tried it, the office lady said “Hold on.” and proceeded to transfer me (bitch!) to Mr. Frein who was big and mean and scary. And I hung up. I am pretty sure real mothers who are calling their daughters in sick don’t hang up on the Mr. Freins of the world. I had to do a Saturday detention. And, no, there was no Molly Ringwald or Judd Nelson there. But if there was? I would have totally pushed Molly out of the way and tongue kissed Judd. Totally.

36. Once I realized the ‘phone yourself in sick’ plan wasn’t going to work, I came up with a plan B. I would wait for my mom to leave for work and then I would approach my dad and say “Dad? I have really bad cramps.” at which point he’d get kind of embarrassed looking and practically shoo me from the room so he didn’t have to face the fact that I, his little girl, was bleeding from my vagina. Worked like a charm.

37. My older sister was a psycho bitch of a sister and I hated her all growing up. When I was seventeen, we were fighting over a guy (yeah, who I ended up marrying - can you say BOOBY PRIZE? I should have let her win) and she called my boss (at my very important career-making job at Kentucky Fried Chicken, mind you) and said “Don’t worry about Linda being crabby today. She had an ABORTION this morning.” Can you fucking believe it??? I’m still pissed.

38. Speaking of Kentucky Fried Chicken, I learned two very important things working there: one, how to tell the difference between a thigh and a breast (which, trust me, is very important to Kentucky Fried Chicken customers); and two, when you work at Kentucky Fried Chicken you SMELL like Kentucky Fried Chicken so the only social life you will ever have on work nights is one where you go out with the other people who work at and smell like Kentucky Fried Chicken. I had some really good Kentucky Fried Chicken friends and I miss them. Sometimes when the wind is blowing the right way, I’m almost certain I can smell them.

39. I love Robert Frost poetry. I love the rhyme and meter and the discipline in it. So much more than frou-frou unstructured poetry.

40. I went to my first strip club (girly strip club) a few years ago. I put a dollar into a dancer’s underpants and everything (although I’m pretty sure they don’t call them underpants when they look like that). And I scrutinized every one of those girls but good so that I could choose and buy a lap dance for my husband from JUST the right one (and I enjoyed watching it, too).

41. The last words my grandma said to me before she died (nearly 4 years ago) were “Gosh, Linda, you look FAT!” (OK, I was 8 months pregnant and she was kind of not very lucid or aware of what was going on and I was just tickled that she got my name right). Still, I know it’s kind of irreverent, but I love laughing at my grandma even though I know she wasn’t TRYING to be funny when she went to the doctor at age 80 for back problems and told him “I don’t know why I’m having all these problems - I used to be an ACROBAT!”

42. A few years ago, I embarrassed the hell out of my teenage daughters and I still laugh when I think about it. We were at a stop light and the car full of teenage boys next to us was making goo-goo eyes and come hither gestures (to my INNOCENT LITTLE GIRLS, can you believe it?) so I rolled down my window, pointed to myself as if to ask if they were talking to me, and then told them how flattered I was but, really, they were a little young for me and, darnit, couldn’t they see my CHILDREN were in the car? hahahah I thought my daughters would DIE right there on the spot. I love having kids.

43. I slept with my husband on our first date. And damn. That’s all I’m saying.

44. Since then, we’ve done it on a golf course, in a public restroom (the women’s, in case you were curious), in the mall parking garage, and many other places. Of course, that was waaay back in the day. Recently, it’s mostly in our bedroom and only when at least one of us can stay awake.

45. Myers-Briggs? I’m an INTJ. Which, evidently, is really important for the corporate types to know.

46. I have two tattoos (ankle, lower back) and I’ve had two inner labia pierces which were done by my husband. They’re probably closed up ’cause I took out the jewelry during my last pregnancy and never put it back in. My husband would poke holes in me like a friggin’ pin cushion if I would let him.

I think I might be running out of things to say on this score. I mean, really, maybe I’m not interesting enough to have a full hundred things. Maybe I’m more of a 46 thing kind of person. Hmmmm… We’ll have to wait and see.