Nothing to See Here…

Surely we all pretty much have something that makes us weird, right?

I think one of my main things is macaroni. Somehow, these weird issues come from my youth. I know that at least 2 of my siblings have similar rules as me, so I’m not all alone.

I love macaroni and cheese, but there are very specific rules. I think that the Macaroni Rules are enough to drive my husband INSANE. He has all but given up.

1. It must be Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (see picture). No other brand, no other flavor than the classic original and FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY no other shaped noodle than the original. Don’t mess with perfection. And I love my mother, but her homemade macaroni and cheese makes me want to barf. Kraft. Only.

2. Don’t mess with the recipe!! My husband has insisted on trying to “improve” it by putting extra cheese on (Dude! You can’t just toss a square of American on top while it’s hot and think ANYTHING good can come of that). Don’t add cut up hotdog pieces, don’t add ground beef. DON’T ADD ANYTHING. It’s one quarter cup of milk, and one half stick of margarine. Not butter, margarine. Now, I hear ya… generally butter beats the pants off margarine. But like I said, you cannot mess with the recipe - NO EXCEPTIONS!!!!

3. Do NOT overcook the noodles. Now, I know the box says 7 to 9 minutes and I know I just told you up there not to mess with the recipe. But I gotta tell ya — if the noodles are overcooked, well, just toss it down the disposal. It’s ruined. At my old house (gas stove) it was 7 minutes. We’ve been in the new house for about 3 years now (not so new anymore) and I’ve FINALLY perfected it… it’s now just over 5 minutes. My electric stove is a powerhouse. My husband thinks I’m INSANE - he says boiling water is boiling water and water boils at 212 degrees and then evaporates and that noodles cook at the same speed in the boiling water no matter how hot the stove burner is (there was more but I had tuned him out at that point). I listend to his factual science smart-guy mumbo jumbo and then went on about my bidness ’cause I know it went from 7 minutes to 5 and it’s because of the stove. Sometimes you gotta suffer the idiots (and the geniuses, like in my case) to achieve perfection.

4. And this is a big one, pay attention. EAT THAT SHIT HOT RIGHT OUT OF THE POT. Do not let it cool off where the cheese starts to congeal - that’s bad news. You got maybe 5 or 10 minutes to get the value from all your hard work. Eat it. Love it.

5. Lastly, there is no such thing as leftovers where this stuff is concerned. You do not save and reheat this. It’s like some major sacrilege… does the priest toss the leftover blood of Christ into the Frigedair? No. He drinks it down with gusto. If you want more later, you just gotta make a new box. That’s all there is to it.

The Macaroni Rules have been in existence here for a long time. Like I said, drives my husband insane. Today was the exchange about boiling water and 212 degrees and all that. He still hasn’t learned to just BUTT OUT of my macaroni business. Men….