Nothing to See Here…

(This was written when I first started the blog, back in 2005 and much of the content is out of date.) 

This is going to be a long one.  Kind of a place for me to lay it out there – tell my audience (of NOBODY hello-ello-ello) who I am.

I am Linda.

Wife of Bill.

Mother to Katie, Amber, Sarah, Jadyn, and Raena.

I belong to the electronic age.  In fact, I was in on the ground floor of it, back when there were 100 men to every 1 woman.  I started in the BBS world (think local, dial-up, machine to machine communications) back in the mid-80s.  I had an internet connection before there was a world wide web, back when it was just usenet (mostly it was my husband that used it back then).

I am Working Woman.  I’ve worked almost continuously since I was 15 years old.  In fact, I think the reason that I have so many kids is because I really just needed that 8 weeks off.  

I’m good at my job, however I feel very conspicuous in the professional world because I lack a degree.  Plenty of people tell me “ah, don’t sweat it – you saved lots of money and it’s the experience that counts”.  And yet in professional circles when alma maters and greek affiliations and campus life and what’s-your-degree-in comes up, I go from being 5’6” to feeling as if I’m about 2” tall.

Good segue into SIZE.  My biggest struggle, my NEMISIS, is my weight.  I’ve been up and down more often than the Viagra Spokespenis.  Right now I’m up.  My philosophy is to love myself for WHO I am regardless of my weight.  And I try to do that, but it’s a lot of work to not HATE myself.  A lot of work.  Fortunately, I feel very loved and very accepted by my husband and friends and family.  And I’ve made this vow that I won’t let the weight stop me… I won’t pass up a fun girls weekend away or a swim in the pool because of my weight.  I’ll just smile and do it, because in the end I would regret passing up life more than I’ll regret just being fat.

Another struggle is the smoking thing.  I haven’t smoked full time since the early 90s.  In fact, I quit altogether for most of the 90s and then I started social smoking and I’d have one occasionally here and there and then I’d let myself have some while I was traveling on business… And I’ve quit in long stretches since then, too.  I quit again in mid-July but I’ve had a few since.  Sigh.  Keep on keepin’ on, right?  Try try again.  Right?

I have the best husband in the world.  He is funny and smart and sensitive and caring.  He is romantic and willing to do whatever needs doing.  He’s a great father and my best friend.  My biggest complaint is that he drinks too loud.  I mean, how many people can say that’s their biggest spousal complaint?  At the same time, we have some ongoing issues that we’re always working on with regard to sex.  Mostly, any time of any day that he’s NOT having it, he wants it (including that minute right after he JUST had it).  I end up feeling quite inadequate in the area of satisfying him.  He also has a BIG THING for the slutty wife look and he buys me a never ending stream of lingerie and shoes and toys.  And sometimes it’s quite overwhelming.  And sometimes it’s downright irritating.  But there are times where it helps us connect on his terms and I’m ok with that.

I have five daughters.  No son.  This is a touchy spot for me, because while I’m done having children, I’m not done wanting a son.  I imagine that it will be one of those unfulfilled desires that I carry with me through life.  In fact while during any rational minute of my life, I know that I’m done having kids, there are these occasional irrational moments where I hope I get pregnant.  I stopped breastfeeding in early June 2005 and I still haven’t taken care of the birth control thing.  I could happen.  I need to get into the doctor and get it all settled because the SANE me is really REALLY done having children.

Two fifths of my children are grown.  Katie is 22 and should have a degree but she really didn’t take college serious and she took light loads and dropped classes and after 4 years didn’t have enough credits to graduate.  While her father (who is my ex) and I pressured her to finish, she went and QUIT and has since moved home.  Katie is smart and funny and witty and she is a party girl.  I have a tender spot for Kate, my first baby.    

The next of the two fifths of grown ones is 20 year old Amber.  Amber has just begun her junior year in college and was accepted in one of the top j-schools in the country.  Amber didn’t luck into anything – she works hard.  She worked her butt off in high school, she worked her butt off thus far in college.  She is gorgeous and determined and has a “plan”.  She was captain of the cheerleader squad and dated the basketball star and the whole American high school girl’s dream (at least for many).  She has been in an exclusive relationship with a very nice and very smart guy who is going to an ivy league school on full scholarship.  I like him quite a bit, but I worry about these two not having any other serious relationships.  I mean, high school sweetheart stories are, well, sweet but they don’t often end well, statistically speaking.

Sarah is 9 and I’m quite certain she has ADHD.  She is the most socially inept child I have ever seen and she’s quite unaware of it.  She gets along well with younger kids and many of her peers, well, they don’t choose her to be their friends.  It’s hard for a mom to watch.  While we did get a diagnosis of ADHD, we haven’t medicated and I don’t know if we will.  School just started and we’re watching the situation and considering counseling.  Right now, we’re doing our best to try some techniques at home to help her.  I worry.  A lot.  A dorky 9 year old isn’t a big deal, but when she’s 12 and 13 and older, there will be heartache.  We also have hygiene issues with this one and quite frankly I’m often so frustrated over it.  I’ve actually seen the child FAKE brushing her teeth (no tooth paste) and I have to wonder where her brain is.  It is the same amount of work to brush without paste as with it.  Oh, and to add to the dorkiness – Sarah just got an orthodontic appliance that makes her talk funny.  She’s doomed.

Jadyn is a toddler who from the moment of her birth was screaming for something and we still can’t figure out what she wants.  Oh, I exaggerate… she is a unique child in ways that I can’t find words to describe.  She’s stubborn and she gives the most impressive tantrums, but she makes me laugh and smile every single day as only a 3 year old can.  She is also incredibly tender inside and gets hurt easily. 

Raena is the baby.  Her personality is emerging.  What I know thus far is that she is such an easy baby.  At 15 months, she is mellow and sweet.  The only time her ire comes out is when Jadyn challenges her (that means: when Jadyn takes a toy from her) or when Jadyn claims my attention.  If Jadyn climbs on my lap, Rae gets jealous and tries to REMOVE the 47 pound toddler.  It’s quite comical.  

All three of the little ones share a room.  Sarah really should be moving to the other bedroom, set up and waiting for her.  But she wants to stay with her sisters who want her to stay.  What’s a mother to do (be a little proud of that, maybe).

So this is it- the “all about me” post to kick this thing off.

I’m in.  Me.  Just Linda.        

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